Hey, Armilite!
I read it all and I cannot tell you how similar this sounds to my own situation. No, I don't run a business and have people working for me, but I have other stuff that is similar, especially with regards to everything else you're saying.
Apologies in advance if my reply is a bit messy, I'm trying to reply to everything and incorporating my own thoughts, feeling and experiences, but I'm doing my best to word it right!
About 10 years ago I was probably the most unhappiest in my life. I found out a bit later exactly as to why.
(Talk for another time.)
Point is, I've gone through a lot of shizzle too, I guess I'm hoping to be able to reach out to you like so.
I was the best of my class (or at least I was one of the people with the highest grades, not sure as we don't really have an honours thing where I am, as far as I'm aware).
No matter how good I was at something, I had a few issues:
1) I have issues in certain areas that other 'normal' people don't have, therefor I need help/guidance sometimes in certain ways. Things sometimes need to be laid out to me. Once I get it, I usually don't need that specific help anymore, as I would have learned to do it by myself. It sounds maybe 'basic', but apparently it's not to most people.
This makes me sometimes feel I'm stupid, when I know I'm not. I used to think sometimes maybe I'm just way too smart for people. How can they help me if they should be smarted than me and are able to help, but can't? But then if I'm so smart, why can't I properly explain to these people where the problem is?
That's the trouble: I know where the problem is, I know often what can help me (which I sometimes need others for), but I have trouble with wording it. Even if I try it in different ways it doesn't seem to work.
2) You with your age? I have a similar problem, I look younger than I am, but nonstop I experience the following things:
I talk to people online (they don't know how I look like) and they say I sound mature and old (sometimes even wise). When I talk to people in real life (they see how I look like), then they seem to not be as interested into listening to me, find me young and even estimate me a few years younger!
I even experienced once (such a clear example) that I spoke to two people of a school, people who were in charge of accepting/declining new students, via the telephone and I think per e-mail too. Later, I of course had to go there for a meeting, so they could see me.
For some reason I already had a feeling as soon as the meeting was going to happen, I'd be declined, even though they mentioned I was practically already accepted per e-mail/phone.
Once there, the first thing I heard?
"Oh, we thought you were much older, you look so young."
Later on in the conversation they told me I was declined, because I was so young (I LOOKED YOUNG! You already know my age when we spoke via the telephone because the emails, you requested information on me (e.g. my age!) *rant over*).
I should try again a few years later if I couldn't find a school by then or whatever they said, point is, even though I was the right age for that school, because they thought I was older, then saw I
looked younger, I was declined.
So that was nice *sarcasm*.
I've never wished, however, to grow up and to be older. I never really understood why people would want that. I do now, but before I did not.
What I did wish for was that people would talk to me and treat me with the same respect they would anyone else who is 'grown-up'. Age shouldn't matter.
I hated the fact people talk to me like I was a small child (sometimes that still happens!), while you might need to explain certain things very bluntly and straight-out, I can comprehend more than they assume, but they don't realise that, because they see how young I am, and when I ask for help to explain a certain thing, they put two-and-two together in their minds and act and talk to me like I'm a small child.
Sometimes I just mentioned terms and phrases which make me sound like I'm indeed much smarter and older than they are assuming to shut them up when they act like that. It helps, but I wish I didn't have to do that. It's exhausting when people talk to me like that.
Ugh, ranting too much on this, anyways...
Doing so well and never feeling you're doing the best or such... I know it probably won't mean much coming from someone online saying this to you: But you are awesome for having your own company and doing so well!
Of course, you can always do better, grow and learn. I'm sure you're company will go through good and bad times in comparison to one another, you will go through bad and good times.
It's good to have that drive to keep on improving and to become better.
The only thing I would suggest is to slow down at home, take a moment to rest, reflect on yourself. I mean, you have here, but in another way. In the way of how much you have achieved, how you have grown. Reflect on the good things.
Don't ever stop with pressing on. Heck, I don't even think you can stop
But look at what you want, are you getting what you want right now? Or do you need to make a few changes?
Perhaps you already thought of this before, but regardless, I hope this helps.
As for being online, a furry character representing you.
I don't use Ventus as a mask to hide myself. I know some people use their characters to hide themselves, to appear how they want to be, or appear as someone/something else.
But for me? Ventus? She is me. It's why with all my other characters, I can never really replace her. Every 'sona I have is me, every character I make is me in a way. But Ventus is really me.
I never really grasped the concept earlier on in life to make a character to act as someone different online. I can't do that, that would be lying to me. I can't lie, not for and about myself.
If I don't want to talk about something, I'd just say that I don't want to talk about it.
I guess I'd never really have this 'stay connected with your inner-child', I recall one of my first thoughts when I was 6, I realised I understood a lot of things, a lot that many my age did not, yet I could not verbally speak out to say certain things.
I did have a slightly different vocabulary. E.g. I would say the polite-form of 'you' to older people, and the informal 'you' to friends and peers, whereas others my age would simply always use the informal way in whatever situation. Small differences, but in many places.
I felt much older than everyone else, and so I guess I always felt as if I'm an old soul trapped inside a too-young body
Eventually it'll catch up. I hope
Last time I went to a furry con, it was much more politically-loaded than any other time I went to a con, but I also noticed it's with who I am around.
And where I myself am in regards to that conversation. If I don't want to talk about it, I'd politely go away or try to talk about something else.
We all are in the fandom and 'use' the fandom in different ways. For me, I have used it and am still using it as a way to express my art. Finding the fandom actually helped me with where I wanted to go with my art.
I found many friends here as well, who I am still into contact with to this day (from the first day I joined to now).
Even my partner I found here.
I don't know where the latter will take me, but it's already very different from any other relationship I've been in. (While I'm of course biased, I try to look at things as objectively as possible.)
Back on track:
I don't think you necessarily are getting old for the fandom, I know quite a few who are in their 30's and 40's
Heck! I even met four people in their 50's at the last con!
It was amazing what sort of discussions you can have with them, they know a lot about the fandom, its history, and things that may play a part with how the fandom came to be (think of mythology), all things I have talked about as well, but never really been able to talk to others about.
I think it's moreso figuring out what the fandom means to you, and what do you want to 'use' the fandom for?
If it's to make friends or to simply socialise, then that should be a good enough reason as it is
No one has to ever get extremely deeply involved with the fandom, you do what you want and how you want to in your way, what feels best to you.
Hope this helps, sorry for the many side-tracks, but hope this helps...
Take care!
Topic: Realizing things and it's upsetting. (Read 1885 times)