psuedo-good psuedo-bad?

[Calun the Bat]

Boy, I seem to use this part of the forums a lot. >_>


Anyway, funny, since my thoughts were set off by Night in the Woods. Anyhow, I found the character Bea to be extremely relatable. For a number of reasons, even though some are quite different. I don't need to go into detail about which parts I can relate to.


Anyhoo, after finishing the game, while I adored all of it, it was the "real world" problems that I found intriguing. I could see myself in them, and it got me to thinking about a lot of things. My social anxiety (not regular anxiety, which while happens, isn't as bad as my social anxiety.), or even more-so, a chronic and extremely potent depression that I've been dealing with for many years now. Sometimes it stays at bay, and sometimes not so much. It's been very, VERY bad lately. Besides my beloved dog, the only thing that kept me grounded has stepped away from me for at least the time being, and I've found myself lost.


I've been extremely irritable, self-loathing far far more than normal, and becoming far less interested in my own well-being. I've always tried to put others first, and while I don't have any ill will, I found myself falling into a state of "I don't give a ****, for better or for worse." And I felt very little about it. When my depression receded for a bit, I felt horrible. And worse, it's hard for me to forgive myself for things I've done or said. I can never take back what's been done, and thus I can never forgive myself.


I've alienated and made the closest people/things to me hate me, and I find myself alone almost perpetually these days. It's mental and emotional torture to have nobody to speak to, barring my father if I see him before I call it a day, or my horrendously awful brother (whom I've addressed in previous rants, and so i won't detail him here and now) I find, with the exception of one (which has decided to detach from me, now), that I've always been to the one to speak to or message someone else first. I'm almost never, ever approached by others with the exception of the aforementioned person who's now detached for at least the time being. Again. Internal torture to be alone and unwanted.


Anyway, after thinking about relatable characters and situations, I got to thinking about the theoretical positive outcomes of decisions that can be made. And it re-inspired me to continue a couple projects that I'd been working on recently. I had made good progress, but this revelation made me feel even more motivated to keep working on it.


After all, anguish and other negative emotions felt in the extreme can paint as beautifully as joy, no?


So my current thoughts on the matter are such: Even the dimmest star flashes before it burns out, right? Maybe it's time I make my flash, and get those projects the full depth of my heart before time inevitably catches up.

[Armalite_]

I find myself using this part of the forum a lot too, but never make the threads. I like discussing things whether or not there's really any value in the opinions or advice I input or read but that's all part of communicating ideas. It's not a bad thing to have different perspective.

You focus a lot on your past and the people in it for your own reasons, I never personally felt the need to do this because if it's in the past, it's not something you can change. It may set you up for the future, but the choices you made have been made and all you can do is keep making choices you think would benefit you. It's difficult to have a positive outlook on people and things you made bad choices with before but you take it as a learning experience and change direction and hope for better results.

You speak about always having put others first, admirable as much as it is, you still have to look out for yourself. Having a poor attitude about your well being doesn't help any positive outcome you're seeking for the future. To have better confidence and better attitude, you have to take care of yourself physically, emotionally, financially, and even spiritually. You have to learn that you can surprise yourself with what you're capable of, doing things you wouldn't have bother trying or attempting even when failure is a likely outcome. You can't fear failure or negativity, you can only learn from it - and change direction again.

You are right about deeper feelings painting a brighter picture, a lot of successful artists felt the same way. But you have to always remember that nothing is guaranteed from your work. Whatever expectations you may have for the future may not come as you expect, be it for better or worse. Never forget that you are capable of doing whatever you put your time, energy, heart, and money into. Everything in life is an investment and should be treated as such. Look out for yourself and your investments and you will not be disappointed. Look at everything from every angle and plan for the worse possible outcomes. Success is even sweeter when you never planned for it.

I wish you best of luck with your project and hope you make peace with your past. It won't be until then that you can look to the future.

[Calun the Bat]

Yeah, that's true. I've been trying to work and focus on the future a lot more than normal lately, for whatever reason I've had the motivation and such. But you're also definitely right, because I just keep having trouble getting over everything in the past. I guess I've always been bad at leaving the past behind me. At least the negative parts. Which is a little sad, since I always try to convince other people that the past made us who we are, even the bad. So it's a little ironic that I can't follow my own advice.


I also think (again, along the lines of what you detailed about me thinking too much about the things I can't change) that a lot of what holds me back, is my fears about the past repeating itself. I'm sure we've all had our own troubles, whether big or small. I just always manage to find similarities that end up triggering memories or fears, and then I get worried that it will happen all over again.


Whatever the case I'll definitely keep to my work, so that ideally I can use it as an outlet to help vent and channel at least part of it into something productive.
There's also the easy answer, which is that I'm just too weak and emotionally fragile.    I feel like I've changed a lot since years ago, in a good way mind you, but I also feel like there's some detrimental traits that I don't know if I can fix up.


Is that stupid? Looking at what I wrote, I feel like I'm being dumb and self-centered again.

[MrRazot]

I used to be not scared of dying and I thought I wouldn't care if anyone else died around me. I think now that life is the most valuable thing you can have and shouldn't be wasted.


One of the biggest inspirations of my life was a dude called Joe Strummer.
He died before I really knew about him, but one of the most important things, that I think, he's ever said is
"The future is unwritten"


Yes, you could have been the most terrible person in the world, but tomorrow, if you REALLY made the effort and wanted to change, you will. I've actually recently decided to cut a few habits out of my life, and I don't miss these things.
I've thought a lot about what he's said though and I think I've set down a very good mindset that I try to get across to people every now and then.


The past has already happened, the future hasn't happened yet, so all there is is right now.
Learn from your past mistakes and ponder on the future, but there is still only right now.
If you focus too much on the past, you'll regret.
If you focus too much on the future, you'll neglect.
Now is your time. Take every single moment that you have and savour every last drop of it.


That's how you really live.
And then you can learn to love yourself and then also others.

[Ventus Fall]

Hey again, Calun

So, there is a lot for me to reply to here, but I can only focus on one point right now (among other things I'n scared internet will drop here any second, so constantly saving my post ^^; ).
You mentioned you seem to be overall the one who starts the conversation/communication with someone, and if you wait and see if others reply, they seem to never do.

I instantly felt related to that, because I too have experienced that.
And still do.
But over time I've become less bothered by that. True friends I have I'll stay in touch with in some shape or form. I notice over time they would start up conversation again, give me a call, etc. albeit that I have to wait a lot longer for them to do this than I would, but they still do.
The people who never stay in touch or don't even reply to me... Welll... Their choice. I'd rather have it they tell me if something's up, but you cna't force people, so I simply give up. If they out-of-the-blue ever want random contact, I'll see how to deal with that then, depending on the situation and from person to person.

It's moreso learning how to deal with such people differently or find other people/friends who indeed contact you more by themselves.
I wouldn;t have contact with most of my family I deem close/important to me if I didn't call them every now and again. They won't call me, but not because they don't want to or such.
They simply don't. Yet they are very happy every time I call and are curious what has been going on, etc.
I can either be bothered by this (and fix that by not calling them anymore ) or just keep going as I have been going and call them whenever I want to, not worrying/thinking about why they're not calling me.

Sorry if my wording is off, but I hope I get the message across ^^;
Don't beat yourself up over it, in other words. They're not staying in touch because of you. It's purely their side.

(Btw: I have messaged you randomly out of the blue, though, don't forget that if you ever feel down again ;D )

[Calun the Bat]

Raah. Sorry, I'd leave a longer reply, but I'm weirdly tired because of allergies from some winds that came through yesterday and today. 


Anyway, thanks. I appreciate your perspectives, both. It can just be hard to work on for some people, you know?
(and yes, I did appreciate that. :O )

[Armalite_]

Yeah, that's true. I've been trying to work and focus on the future a lot more than normal lately, for whatever reason I've had the motivation and such. But you're also definitely right, because I just keep having trouble getting over everything in the past. I guess I've always been bad at leaving the past behind me. At least the negative parts. Which is a little sad, since I always try to convince other people that the past made us who we are, even the bad. So it's a little ironic that I can't follow my own advice.

I also think (again, along the lines of what you detailed about me thinking too much about the things I can't change) that a lot of what holds me back, is my fears about the past repeating itself. I'm sure we've all had our own troubles, whether big or small. I just always manage to find similarities that end up triggering memories or fears, and then I get worried that it will happen all over again.

Whatever the case I'll definitely keep to my work, so that ideally I can use it as an outlet to help vent and channel at least part of it into something productive.
There's also the easy answer, which is that I'm just too weak and emotionally fragile.    I feel like I've changed a lot since years ago, in a good way mind you, but I also feel like there's some detrimental traits that I don't know if I can fix up.


Is that stupid? Looking at what I wrote, I feel like I'm being dumb and self-centered again.

No it's not stupid, an no, you aren't being dumb or self centered. Nobody is perfect as you know, and we all experience the ups (and downs especially) that will make us nervous about the future. We all change with age and time and we never stop changing but we also have old habits that we think we could do without but just cant seem to shake. It's the human condition.

Who doesn't have problems? We all have our stress and our fears and insecurities that make us anxious, but if we focus on one thing at a time, one day at a time, we amaze ourselves with what progress you can see in a span of a few months.


Working on things shouldn't always be for other people. You should be working on things for yourself. If it's hard for you to do things because your motivation is drawn from the approval or the satisfaction of others, you will never feel adequate. You need to be self-fulfilling to make you accept yourself, even if that means changing to be the person you want to be.