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Author Topic: Personal Volatility  (Read 289 times)

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Offline Twilight Rose

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Personal Volatility
« on: February 18, 2015, 01:01:18 AM »
"Volatile" is the best way to describe me these days... I rarely hear from my mate, to the point where we might as well not even have a relationship, though I know it isn't his fault. I don't necessarily trust him, but I have faith in him, which is weird. But without him nearby, I'm deteriorating at a ridiculous rate. I can't sleep (please don't recommend anything to help here, nothing over the counter works and insurance won't cover a sleep study), lack of sleep spikes my anxiety and depression, and all of them feed each other in a horrible cycle of comorbidity.
My self esteem is insanely sensitive when it comes to people close to me. Though few and far between, those people can really get to me, even if it's on accident. My intelligence and looks above the neck are really the only things I feel good about. Insulting my intelligence is a good way to get a broken nose, because I KNOW I'm damn smart and no one is gonna tell me otherwise. But when it comes to my looks, I'm both extremely self-conscious and uncaring of what most people think.


Last night I told my mom and grandma I was thinking about taking my hair really light again. They had told me before that black made me look too pale (ignoring the fact that I AM pale, and like it that way), but both told me light looked bad on me. Neither of them said a word when it was light, and I heard nothing but compliments from others. But they insisted it looked bad, and now my mom's borderline coercing me into dyeing it some random color, like I just got sick of black and wanted to try something new. Something SHE thinks would look good on me.


I have NEVER given a damn what was popular or in. I only cared what I liked, how I liked it, what made ME feel good in my own skin. I'm in yet another downward spiral because my family's too freaking dense to pay any attention to who I am and have always been. I'm not comfortable here... I want to leave. I'm being torn in every direction and I can't choose anything. I'm going to college in my town, but I don't work nearly enough to afford any living arrangements on my own. I live near a military base, so a shitty apartment can cost 700$ a month, in a town of less than 30k people. My anxiety issues limit where I can work without having a panic attack every shift, so finding a job I can actually work at, and work around my college schedule, will be hard. I want to go to a college in Ithaca NY after I finish up here, but it'll be the first time in memory I've lived anywhere but where I am, In addition to being either in a dorm or on my own. I don't know how I'll afford it, and I know I'll be endlessly worried about my grandma up here.


All that aside, I have very little internal motivation for anything. I'm so stressed that instant gratification is the only thing that gets me through the days more often than not. He made me want to get better... But without him, I'm left with what motivation I started with: none.
"I am a servant of the world. And if I am a servant, then you should consider yourself a tool, at best."
~DiZ, Kingdom Hearts II

 

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