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Author Topic: Can't seem to make friends anymore  (Read 599 times)

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Can't seem to make friends anymore
« on: July 29, 2013, 07:17:23 AM »
I used to have tons of friends in high school until I graduated almost two years ago. I would constantly be hanging out with people and getting calls. Then came college, which is supposed to be the time of your life when you meet tons of new friends. I did not. I made a few friends and partied mostly with people I didn't know, but I would never have other people asking me to hang out or even being interested enough to talk to me. I lived with a bunch of guys who either hated me/wanted nothing to do with me. My friend base shrank greatly to just a few local furries who were mostly older than me. People stopped listening to me or respecting me. I would talk to someone and then they would either interrupt me or just walk away.
Now I've moved off campus into a new apartment and it's going to be even harder to make friends. I've spent most of the summer at home without anyone even bothering to call me. It's like nobody even wants to be my friend anymore. Even online this happens, most people just tend to ignore me or never even talk to me. It's like I give off an "ignore" vibe to most people. Then I look through my facebook and I see all of my old friends who have moved on to new relationships with tons of new friends and they're just having the best time while I sit home alone in my sweats refreshing facebook. This is really frustrating.
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Offline Ventus Fall

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Re: Can't seem to make friends anymore
« Reply #1 on: July 29, 2013, 10:45:40 AM »
You're not the only one with this problem. Even though I don't mind this situation myself that much (I rather be alone than around others anyways x3) I do often find myself thinking: "Why won't my friends call me?"
Or: "Why are they always busy?"

I must say when I compare myself to others, and how I see relationships with my friends and acquintances, I seem to have a rather 'small' mental list of friends when I compare it with others. But it's also because I know of myself I have 'high standards'. Someone I call a friend I need to know longer than a day. I also have a mental list of friends in real life and online. It takes longer the time for me to see someone online as a real friend than if I would hang out with someone in real life. But I also need to have a certain 'connection' with people in roder for them to 'obtain' the ''friendship-status''.
I had a long period in my life in which I only had one or two friends. For a long time I didn't mind, or should say, I liked it like so. I could then focus my attention solely on that person, so to speak. And it felt the same likewise the other way around (to me at least).
Even now, I still feel I only have one true friend. I have other friends, but if I could rely on them, I don't really know.

It's difficult for me to perhaps explain in one post how my mental lists work. It works for me. And I want to elaborate further, and would like to try and help you out. Because I know the feeling.
However, I am not sure how much time I have left for now to reply to you post ^^;
But just so you know: If you need anyone to talk to, I'm always available :)
I'm always up for a talk, and always try to reply or talk to you too if you want.

(PS: Just so you know, I often wonder why people don't talk to me on Skype. Sometimes the conversations just don't 'start' or 'continue'. I've noticed I have a pretty 'basic' list of people who've stayed on my Contacts list since... 'forever'. While I delete a few contacts after a few months if there hasn't been any contact between us, even after me trying to converse with them.)
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Re: Can't seem to make friends anymore
« Reply #2 on: July 29, 2013, 12:14:48 PM »
Although it's really nice to have someone reach out to you in friendship, sometimes you have to take the initiative yourself in order to find friends. For all you know, someone you've met before could be sitting at home wondering why YOU never call. Put effort into it, make your own plans with friends, and if they say they're busy, ask them when they WILL be available instead of just backing off and saying "oh, okay." The people at parties who you don't know could always become people you DO know. Try to introduce yourself to a couple new people every time you're in that situation. Eventually one might stick. If that doesn't work, look for friends in other places. Join a club that interests you, or talk to people in your classes. Common interests can bring people together.

The transition from high school to college is often not an easy one because of all the changes that occur. But change is inevitable, and change can be a good thing if you learn to embrace it. It takes some time to develop good friendships, but you never know... You might end up with closer friends than you ever had in high school.
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Re: Can't seem to make friends anymore
« Reply #3 on: July 29, 2013, 03:18:14 PM »
Sometimes although we do try hard and make effort to keep in contact with our friends, they just seem to have another agenda, so this is why I did a 180 and joined a martial arts club in my area. And its worked - I have made some really good friends, and learning a martial art, namely Taekwondo, is helping me keep fit and being more confident. The camaraderie has become really great, and best of all I made this decision myself to find new and lasting friends. :)
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Re: Can't seem to make friends anymore
« Reply #4 on: July 29, 2013, 07:21:29 PM »
Although it's really nice to have someone reach out to you in friendship, sometimes you have to take the initiative yourself in order to find friends. For all you know, someone you've met before could be sitting at home wondering why YOU never call. Put effort into it, make your own plans with friends, and if they say they're busy, ask them when they WILL be available instead of just backing off and saying "oh, okay." The people at parties who you don't know could always become people you DO know. Try to introduce yourself to a couple new people every time you're in that situation. Eventually one might stick. If that doesn't work, look for friends in other places. Join a club that interests you, or talk to people in your classes. Common interests can bring people together.

The transition from high school to college is often not an easy one because of all the changes that occur. But change is inevitable, and change can be a good thing if you learn to embrace it. It takes some time to develop good friendships, but you never know... You might end up with closer friends than you ever had in high school.
The thing is that I do make the effort to call people up as much as I can, but they never really return the favor. I'm hoping that it's easier to make friends in my sophmore year of college because everyone's grown up a tiny bit. I totally understand what you're saying though.

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Re: Can't seem to make friends anymore
« Reply #5 on: July 31, 2013, 09:04:09 AM »
So, this seems a bit obvious, but have you attempted to join any clubs/societies/groups? Maybe a video game group? Local furry group or something like that. The more you open yourself to new opportunities the more likely you will find new friends
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Re: Can't seem to make friends anymore
« Reply #6 on: July 31, 2013, 09:25:31 AM »
If its any help, I experienced the same problem when at college doing my AS studies. People didn't want to know and my little sis, a year younger, had the same prob. Instead we burrowed into our studies more. Me? I treated study as a hobby, and loved it. But there was a cooking club there, so I pushed the door and joined. ... Since I left college for a job, the cooking club peeps contacted me and now I have a couple of real life friends living not far away from my home.

Internet friendships can be difficult, but since joining TFF here, made a really nice and cool friend and I hope you will experience the same. I "pushed the door" here, and made friendship. All you need is do the same, and keep pushing. :)

Friends, sometimes they meet us and then leave. They are with us for when we need them before they move on. Much is like this in life, I find. People we meet, especially those who approach us, do so for a reason. Try and see that the "Book" that is your life at present, is only temporarily closed. be patient, for in time you'll be able to open it again, next time on Chapter 3.


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Re: Can't seem to make friends anymore
« Reply #7 on: July 31, 2013, 08:21:36 PM »
If its any help, I experienced the same problem when at college doing my AS studies. People didn't want to know and my little sis, a year younger, had the same prob. Instead we burrowed into our studies more. Me? I treated study as a hobby, and loved it. But there was a cooking club there, so I pushed the door and joined. ... Since I left college for a job, the cooking club peeps contacted me and now I have a couple of real life friends living not far away from my home.

Internet friendships can be difficult, but since joining TFF here, made a really nice and cool friend and I hope you will experience the same. I "pushed the door" here, and made friendship. All you need is do the same, and keep pushing. :)

Friends, sometimes they meet us and then leave. They are with us for when we need them before they move on. Much is like this in life, I find. People we meet, especially those who approach us, do so for a reason. Try and see that the "Book" that is your life at present, is only temporarily closed. be patient, for in time you'll be able to open it again, next time on Chapter 3.



Yeah I wish they would care more about keeping me as a friend. It just seems like I'm a temporary placeholder until they can find somebody much more worthwhile. My "book" needs a different writer because this current writer sucks at character development.
One of my best friends is getting married and she didn't even mention the wedding to me until a week before invitations are being sent out which leads me to believe that she probably forgot all about me until I talked to her. If my friends can't even remember to invite me to their own damn weddings then how much am I really worth to them? T_T
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Re: Can't seem to make friends anymore
« Reply #8 on: July 31, 2013, 10:24:35 PM »
If its any help, I experienced the same problem when at college doing my AS studies. People didn't want to know and my little sis, a year younger, had the same prob. Instead we burrowed into our studies more. Me? I treated study as a hobby, and loved it. But there was a cooking club there, so I pushed the door and joined. ... Since I left college for a job, the cooking club peeps contacted me and now I have a couple of real life friends living not far away from my home.

Internet friendships can be difficult, but since joining TFF here, made a really nice and cool friend and I hope you will experience the same. I "pushed the door" here, and made friendship. All you need is do the same, and keep pushing. :)

Friends, sometimes they meet us and then leave. They are with us for when we need them before they move on. Much is like this in life, I find. People we meet, especially those who approach us, do so for a reason. Try and see that the "Book" that is your life at present, is only temporarily closed. be patient, for in time you'll be able to open it again, next time on Chapter 3.


Yeah I wish they would care more about keeping me as a friend. It just seems like I'm a temporary placeholder until they can find somebody much more worthwhile. My "book" needs a different writer because this current writer sucks at character development.
One of my best friends is getting married and she didn't even mention the wedding to me until a week before invitations are being sent out which leads me to believe that she probably forgot all about me until I talked to her. If my friends can't even remember to invite me to their own damn weddings then how much am I really worth to them? T_T

The maybe it is time to take a long hard look at your present real life friends - and begin searching for ones who who really do care. New friends. And taking Winged Zephyr's advice would be good.

In real life I only have 2 friends and both are relatively new. You will remember if having read "somewhere else" of my taking a brave step in contacting Annabelle and Jenni from my college and they befriending me. That took enormous effort on my part to do that, because I am unused to having real life friends after being done down in the past. Those two girls are very kind, caring and above all, honest and trustworthy. You need to find people who are just that, and not look back at your circumstances but step out of your stomping ground and making effort, strike out to pastures new. Thats what I did, risking being ridiculed by a family whose lifestyles orbit in a totally different social scene. I took a big step with Anna and Jenni because most people I meet, once they know who my family really are - become social climbers. You have no idea how difficult its been my having been adopted into this family. But, you Drake, you have far better odds going in your favour, so go and do something about it, mate. Join a club as said by others inc myself, do what what many have already suggested. Because, its all up to you. And, good luck. I mean it. :)

Alex


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Offline Fox_720B

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Re: Can't seem to make friends anymore
« Reply #9 on: August 12, 2013, 04:47:54 AM »
I'm going to very..very gently play devil's advocate here...and ask if it might be a possibility that you're trying too hard with people?

Think about my post in the everyday rant thread...perhaps you might be seeking validation from people subconsciously...and as you try harder to be a friend or make friends...maybe it comes through and makes you give off an undesirable vibe.

Then, as more people drift away...you try harder...making more people avoid you. A self fulfilling prophecy.

So...since things aren't working currently...how about try the opposite approach of validating yourself, being your own best friend, doing something nice for yourself from time to time...and build your confidence so that you don't need external validation to feel like you're valuable.

Once you do this...people will notice. Remain a good person and good friend...but don't measure your worth by what other people who barely know you think and do.

Good luck my friend. I had the same problem.
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Re: Can't seem to make friends anymore
« Reply #10 on: August 12, 2013, 09:36:29 AM »
i've been thinking long and hard about a reply here, and i'm going to attempt it.


i'm not sure if i quite agree with the person above me when he says to "do something nice for yourself". it can depend on what your "something nice" is on whether that's a good idea or not. about a year ago my something nice was going to the pub and reading. when i was particularly enjoying the book i could put back a lot of drink in that time which really didn't help in any way, because once you get home and realise why you left, the depressants you've been guzzling into your body have started to haunt you with fears of isolation and insecurity.


so yes... doing something nice can have it's downsides.


however i do somewhat agree with the other thing fox_720b says, in that you may well be trying too hard about it. i would prefer personally to reword it and say that you're thinking too much about it, and of course when we think about something we're going to star to self-depricate because our brain never fails to seize an opportunity to make us pay for it. i think this is especially true when you say in your first post;
People stopped listening to me or respecting me. I would talk to someone and then they would either interrupt me or just walk away.


but then what you said before it sticks out at me too;
My friend base shrank greatly to just a few local furries who were mostly older than me.


my friend base has been that for years. my last boyfriend who was much more immersed in the furry realm than myself could probably echo that too.




to conclude, i would suggest to try not to think about it too much. i know how difficult that is, but the human mind is a very good and resourceful thing. i'm on skype if you want to chat, although being in the uk i don't think i can offer any kind of interpersonal contact.


but good luck man... i feel you.
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Re: Can't seem to make friends anymore
« Reply #11 on: August 12, 2013, 03:13:49 PM »
Just to clarify, by doing something nice for yourself I dont mean doing anything that could be self destructive. Rather, I'm refering to restoring balance to your life.

Right now you may be spending too much time worrying about and thinking about other people and their opinions and your shrinking friendbase. My theory is that the more energy you spend focused on this, the more it will perpetuate if the problem truly is the vibe you give off.

So you fix the vibe by instead taking that energy and putting it towards self maintenance. Learn to like yourself again, support your own interests, do nice things for people and have your own good feelings from that be your reward. Like I said earlier, dont go so far as to become self centered...just learn to like yourself enough that you dont necessarily "need" external valididation to be happy. In other words...craft your life so that your own care and respect for yourself keeps you from falling into depression and dismay when you're misjudged...and instead offers constructive reflection on how you could fix the problem. Give yourself enough credit to know when you're being misjudged...rather than allowing that negative emotion to take control of you.

By doing this you become more confident, level headed, and most importantly...changes your vibe from draining to refreshing.

Most people wish they were more confident. You can be nervous as hell inside...but if you still go for what makes you happy...in time...you'll be happier...and the number of people who respect or look up to you will climb. :)

I agree that you may be thinking to much about it...and those thoughts are leading to either actions or vibes that come across as something to avoid to other people.

There is a saying that to find true love you must first love yourself. I used to think that saying was bullcrap but now I understand it. People can love you and will love you even if you don't love yourself...but every relationship...whether it's friends or partners...requires a certain balance in order to succeed long term.

Take my ex for example....she was a big hearted person who met depressed me and wanted to bring happiness into my life. And for four years she kept trying. Problem was...she kept validating me but I'd still tear myself apart when other people disliked me. In time...it became emotionally taxing on her to lift me up when others knocked me down...and our relationship slowly died.

It was only after she was gone that I finally realized what had happened. And that my own depression and lack of self value had cost me most of my friendships and relationships...and even my very life goals and dreams for the last ten years. Without equal parts external and internal validation, I'd grown dependent on other people's approval for my own approval. That's a negative place to be and sets you up for massive disappointment over small setbacks.

I decided I'd had enough. That she was right...everyone was right...that I had to give myself credit...balance my emotions...and learn to be more independent in my self validation. You have to fix yourself before you can invest in other people long term.

I truly hope that helps clarify things.
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