Ah Macid.
First I can tell you that I do know where your coming from on those daydreams and nightmares.
When my first son was born, the only bad dream I had was me dropping him and his head exploding into fireworks and confetti.
It was an awkward dream, but I never thought anything of it, and didnt have a bad dream until my daughter was born.
She was only a couple of months old, still nursing (yes im an advocate for breast feeding, sorry if it grosses any of you out, but ive heard all the insults so just gtfo)... and I happened to put her down one night and just stare at her and had that moment of thinking, what if she... <insert horrible thing here>.
I went to bed, and had the most horrible nightmare possible for any parent.
All in all, a man broke into the house, shot my husband, shot my two boys, and proceeding to brutalize myself and my infant daughter.
I woke my husband up, thrashing, screaming and crying in the bed next to him, and have had this reoccurring nightmare, for years now since my daughter is now 2 years old.
With that, I also have acquired several other dreams that ive dubbed "apocalyptic family nightmares", since they all end with horrible things done to mostly my children.
I was diagnosed this year (2010 if you dont read it soon enough lol), as being a severe manic depressive. Which means, i am bipolar, but I can have more "down time" than "up time", than a normal bipolar person.
I can tell you a few things that might end up making you feel better, or worse, depending on what your stand point is in all of this.
1. The feelings of being inadequate and not wanting to love because you feel like you will hurt them or yourself, these feelings will pass. Ive been there and done that after some horrible experiences, and have realized that, if I want to feel good and do things to make my body and those endorphines rise up, then I am going to do it.
With that attitude, i found the man ive been with for over 6 years.
He was attractive, available, and I wanted him. The relationship just lasted longer and grew into something a whole lot more than what it was in the beginning.
2. Those nightmares and dreams... have you ever tried lucid dreaming? Its where you can change the outcome and the situation in your dream. Ive tried it and its helped. Instead of watching the man shoot me and my family, I end up having tremendous amounts of psychic powers and turn the bullets on the bad guys... so much so I wake my husband up cackling like a maniac lol.
If you talk to someone about these dreams, someone that can help you with them, you will be able to push them away, never think about them again and youll be able to do what you want in your day and night dreams.
3. As for the psychologist/counselor angle. They do help. I grew up with a father that was a diagnosed Multiple Personality Disorder / Dissociative Identity Disorder crazy person, with Post traumatic stress disorder (or mpd, did and ptsd). Those combinations of mental illness wreaked havoc on my family as a child. What my father did to me and my siblings, our heads, not our bodies, has screwed two of us almost into oblivion to where one of us cannot function in normal society, and the other, she resides behind this keyboard. I have gotten help with a lot of the problems ive faced in my life through a counselor, and if you find the RIGHT one, one you can trust and feel comfortable talking with, then you will get help whether you believe it or not.
Whether its talking to someone that has NO interest in your personal life (such as a friend or family member might look at things different or say the wrong things), then you get help from that third party that has had training to help people in your predicament.
And I dont only talk about just the stuff about ME.. I get help with my children, how to deal with my family members (such as my SIL and MIL and the stuff they pull), including my controlling mother who thinks that everything has to go her way, on her schedule ONLY.
They do help in the long run. Im here, happy and not having nightmares that put me into what I call my "psycho mode" anymore, and im actually a better mother for it all.
4. As for you thinking you dont deserve a lot of things for you.. dont worry I suffer that as well. Especially around the holidays. I always put off opening my gifts out of sight of everyone else, and by myself, because.. my children should come first and I dont deserve anything unless they get something.
But I just grit my teeth together and bear it until its over, and push the gifts into the corner until I actually need them.
Just understand that when you can finally say "i am good enough for this $5 book, everyone else can kiss my ***".. then you know that youve reached a point where you feel better about yourself, because you DO deserve something that YOU want every once in a while. Thats why a lot of the parenting magazines that I used to get in the mail read:
Always put yourself first before anything else, including housework and husband, when you get up in the morning. Everything is not always about the children.. its about YOU to!
But.. good luck overall, hoped what I said made some sense and helped you somewhat during the holidays.
Have a good one dude, see you on IRC sometime.
Happy Christmas and Merry New Years!
Topic: I gotta tell someone (Read 2200 times)