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Author Topic: My work  (Read 6210 times)

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Offline Asia Kali Yusufzai

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My work
« on: January 28, 2010, 10:30:27 AM »
I'll just post the stuff I do up here. Saves me making a new thread for each one. :)

So first off:


The Haunting of Bradgate Park

“Right Darky-boy,” said Kieran. “You go from here to the stream and back, then I stop calling you Darky.” Avi, a young asian kid, nodded assured, before grabbing hold of the fence to Bradgate Park. He set his feet into its gaps, pushing himself up and over, landing trainers on tarmac with a clump. The boy looked around the place illuminated by the full moon. To the left, a shadowed building with a tiled roof stood solitary in the darkness, surrounded by hard, flat tarmac. Ahead of him, the road snaked away, slowly merging with the ground, covered in the dark as trees began to dot the area around the path. “Well go on then!” shouted Kieran. Avi jumped, then set off towards that path, by the trees. He felt the dull tarmac merge into a dusty, stone covered dirt path. Plants huddled closer and closer, crowding around the boy like curious onlookers, ogling. As he continued onwards, the smell of life began to build. Wet leaves and growing moss floating over the forest that sprouted either side of him. The path he was on appeared as though it were splitting up the trees, like a scar on a head of hair. Among the trunks, animals trod, silhouetted by the moon or smeared into the dark.  Deer strolled by, antlers mixing with the branches. The cold, calm sounds of natural movement accompanying. Water could be heard, babbling not too far away and Avi looked into the forest to its direction. The moonlight shimmered on the dark stream’s surface, gleaming like a trophy among the broken twigs and over grown grass.

He stepped off the path, in among the trees; the deer watched him, as dark figures hidden in the forest. Avi moved deeper, the stream so close, its noise flowing and undulating along its way. Avi needed proof he had been there, so he stepped into the water, dunking his trainers. The moon disappeared. Every thing was black. The young boy turned to run back, but a sudden impact, and his feet left the ground. As his back hit a tree root, he yelped in pain, looking back his attacker. He could see a face, emanating its own glow and yet it lit nothing. The face of a young girl, twisted in righteous anger and pity at Avi, lying in pain at her feet. She moved closer, and the boy heard the clack of hooves against wood.
“Animal killer,” she growled, as he scrambled to his feet and burst out of the trees, pelting down the path back to Kieran. The hooves chased just behind him and as he reached the tarmac, it floated off to silence. Avi reached the fence and clambered over. Looking back at the forest, a deer looked back.
« Last Edit: January 28, 2010, 11:01:05 AM by AsiaBunny »
"Parents always think kids are wasting their youth, and always have done [so] down through the millennia," says Tom Forsyth of RAD Game Tools. "'That Ug, always holding things. His front paws will develop in funny ways. Why can't he walk on all fours like normal proto-hominids?' And so, whatever the kids spend the most time doing, that's always what parents think is a waste of time, and what is corrupting their lives. It doesn't matter what that is. If all they did was homework, parents would be worrying that their kids aren't becoming well-rounded people. And, in fact, parents do this - enrolling math nerds in karate classes and the like. There is no way to win - parental paranoia ensures that kids are always doing the wrong thing."


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Offline Asia Kali Yusufzai

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Re: My work
« Reply #1 on: February 01, 2010, 12:20:46 PM »
A little something i wrote for Gabag. If anyone else wants  something written or drawn, just ask. It's free after all.

The Ascension

The sun floated through the window, shining off the angles and curves of the gunmetal power armour encasing Gabag like a turtle’s shell. He stared through a wide visor, lit up blue like a torch, and leaned against his locker in the lino tiled hallway of Osbourne High school; a beacon school for the local area. Fellow students moved on past, as though caught in a wave, pulled towards the classrooms. Gabag moved beside them, people swerving around him, staring at the armour compared to their own jeans and t-shirts. They arrived at their class and all found their seats; Gabag entering with them and sitting in the centre of the room; his chair bent beneath him. Those around began to budge their desks further to the edges. There was a wait, and everyone whispered and pointed at the bizarre form in the centre. Eventually the teacher walked in, a sharp, angular, prim and proper woman in pastel colours and librarian glasses, looking to Gabag and smirking. She stood at her desk; hands clasped in front of her and spoke clear and concise.
   
“Good morning class, I expect your holidays were productive. Perhaps we could share what we’ve done over the past few weeks,” she cocked her head, staring straight through Gabag’s visor. “Why don’t you start, dear,” she said. The student cleared his throat, making sure the microphone in his armour was on, transmitting it to the class and the teacher. He stood to his feet, the chair creaking in relief and with a pause, soaking in the stares, he began his tale.
   “Oh I did plenty, miss. I travelled the world, fought a netherwurm, killed Julio Fernandez of the Memphis Mayors basketball team, trained in the Himalayas and went to Disneyland to meet Mickey Mouse.” The class were silent; those who wanted to laugh couldn’t produce, silenced by fear. “What did you do, Miss?” he added. The teacher stood, smiling ever broader with each word.

   “I prepared,” she said, pressing a button at her desk. Under Gabag, the floor gave way, but quick reflexes grabbed the edge and assisted by his powered suit, pulled himself up, pushing off the ground to leap into the air. In mid-flight, his thigh opened up, revealing a small assault rifle. He pulled it out and let loose a hail of bullets. By this point, the class was screaming and racing to the exit, bottlenecking at the door before bursting out into the corridors like ants from a hive. The shots tore through the walls and the teacher’s desk, but the woman was fast, dodging to the left and running down the side of the class as wooden desks, plastic chairs and the glass from windows shattered all around. Gabag landed, planting the rifle on his back as the teacher whipped out an RPG. She took aim and fired a shot, watching the rocket spiral towards her target. He ducked onto all fours, as his armour morphed, accommodating a tail and two pointed ears from the top of his head. He ran beneath the rocket trail, before leaping at his teacher. The pounce hit her and smashed through the wall behind, bursting into another class, sending them running and screaming for their lives. Plaster filling the air like a blizzard. Gabag pinned his teacher to the ground.

   “Oh and did I mention? I became a cat!” he said. The teacher winced in pain, before grinning wide, a spread of vicious teeth. Her eyes began to glow, brighter and brighter, blinding like the sun burning in her head. Gabag pushed off her, but too late as the room exploded in a ball of flesh and fire. The cat was sent hurtling up, crashing through the floors as a section of it collapsed over him. Eventually he found himself in the history corridor, knee deep in rubble, his armour crippled and blood running from his back to his tail. Climbing out of the concrete, he looked around. The principle was there, standing solitary, covered in navy blue, staring at nothing. His arm lifted a gun in his hand. He fired, Gabag ducked, then leapt through a door, peering through the window at his assailant. The principle put the gun into his mouth, moving his tongue against the handle. Wires shot out from it, stabbing into his flesh, combining with his mouth. His body twisted, curling backwards, his hands gripping the floor, allowing him to crawl to the wall, climbing up it and onto the ceiling at lightning speed.

Gabag moved back into the room, and examined his guns. His assault rifle was smashed, his pistols crushed. All that was left was his energy blaster that fired a spread of high velocity energy globes that exploded on contact. Gun ready, he leant round the wall into the corridor, but found nothing. The principal was gone. Gabag looked around listened, catching the sound of something crawling in the ceiling. He aimed up, took his shot, and down fell a leg, along with a squeezed screech that clawed at the ears. Gabag looked down at the leg, it had turned a deep black, with something crusting over the top, like a beetle’s shell. Above him, the ceiling gave way, and down fell the writhing form of what was once a man. Arms had turned to legs, his face was layered, screaming over an insect’s head. He kicked and bit in his navy blue suit. Gabag pointed his gun to the creature and fired.

The screams stopped, but were replaced by deep immense booms. He felt the building shudder beneath his feet, before everything fell. Gabag lifted into the air, his organs pushing upwards as the entire building began to fall into the earth. Glass shattered, and screams of thousands of students clawed at the growls and groans of tons of concrete collapsing. The world went dark, as Osbourne High School fell into an immense hole dug into the ground. Gabag was buried. The screams became wails of pain. He pushed the rubble up off his body, and sat up, finding a himself on an enormous grave. Through the chaos, he heard the sound of a slow clap, and turned to face a small Japanese man in a tracksuit. He was called Takeshi Kitano.
“Master,” Gabag said, as he climbed to his feet. “What’s going on?” His master gave a smile.
“Your final test, chika,” Kitano replied, his eyes were soft as he looked to his student. “Your feline ascension.” Before Gabag could move, Kitano was at his side, a gun to his head and the trigger was pulled. Gabag didn’t make a sound as he fell against the rock. His master stepped back slowly.

A light appeared, a readout on Gabag’s helmet, and began to blur, spreading like blood in water, flowing out onto the metal, covering more and more, soaking into his entire body, covering him blue. It soaked past the armour, connecting with his flesh, fusing the armour to himself. Fur began reaching out from between the armoured plates and from his gauntlets sprouted claws. His tail stretched out further, along with his feet, growing pads under his toes. He felt no pain, even from the previous wounds, as he climbed to his feet and felt strength in him. He turned to Takeshi Kitano.
“Master, this is incredible.” He reached out a paw and from his gauntlet, a pistol flicked out, shooting his master dead. “But is not worth the lives of innocents.” Gabag looked up. People lined the top edge of the hole that the building had fallen into, and were calling down to him, offering help. Gabag looked up and laughed.
"Parents always think kids are wasting their youth, and always have done [so] down through the millennia," says Tom Forsyth of RAD Game Tools. "'That Ug, always holding things. His front paws will develop in funny ways. Why can't he walk on all fours like normal proto-hominids?' And so, whatever the kids spend the most time doing, that's always what parents think is a waste of time, and what is corrupting their lives. It doesn't matter what that is. If all they did was homework, parents would be worrying that their kids aren't becoming well-rounded people. And, in fact, parents do this - enrolling math nerds in karate classes and the like. There is no way to win - parental paranoia ensures that kids are always doing the wrong thing."


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Offline Gabag

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Re: My work
« Reply #2 on: February 02, 2010, 02:48:07 AM »
I likeda Gabag story
 as I told you before

it's spooky and mysterious

but why is he the animal killer?


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Re: My work
« Reply #3 on: February 02, 2010, 11:13:58 AM »
Enjoyed both stories, as usual. Vivid descriptions, interesting stories. Like most of them, very creepy. You seem to have a knack for creepy and descriptive stories...

Also, if it wouldn't trouble you...I'd love to see you draw my Fursona's face. That'd be grand, I absolutely love yours, I enjoy it as much as I enjoy iKero-Chu's. And if you decide to try it, maybe you can show me what it would look like if it were White furred rather than blue furred, still with the black heart over the left eye.
« Last Edit: February 02, 2010, 11:17:22 AM by Srgntcuddles »
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Offline Asia Kali Yusufzai

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Re: My work
« Reply #4 on: February 02, 2010, 03:53:29 PM »
but why is he the animal killer?
animal killer?

Quote
Also, if it wouldn't trouble you...I'd love to see you draw my Fursona's face. That'd be grand, I absolutely love yours, I enjoy it as much as I enjoy iKero-Chu's. And if you decide to try it, maybe you can show me what it would look like if it were White furred rather than blue furred, still with the black heart over the left eye.
just to verify, you're not talking about my avatar are you? cus that's not mine. You can see my stuff on my art thread.
http://www.thefurryforum.com/forums/index.php?topic=9580.60
"Parents always think kids are wasting their youth, and always have done [so] down through the millennia," says Tom Forsyth of RAD Game Tools. "'That Ug, always holding things. His front paws will develop in funny ways. Why can't he walk on all fours like normal proto-hominids?' And so, whatever the kids spend the most time doing, that's always what parents think is a waste of time, and what is corrupting their lives. It doesn't matter what that is. If all they did was homework, parents would be worrying that their kids aren't becoming well-rounded people. And, in fact, parents do this - enrolling math nerds in karate classes and the like. There is no way to win - parental paranoia ensures that kids are always doing the wrong thing."


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Offline x

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Re: My work
« Reply #5 on: February 02, 2010, 04:37:10 PM »
You did a really good job. There is a high level of tension from the start of each of these stories, and they are certainly curious, entertaining and a bit...dark.

Your descriptions are, for the most part, useful. They add to the atmosphere and help me visualize what's going on.

I have just a few tiny issues with these, though. You have an overload of commas. I used to do that too, even very recently, but some of these sentences don't make any sense when they are bundled up so much.

For Example:

Quote
He stood to his feet, the chair creaking in relief and with a pause, soaking in the stares, he began his tale.

Could Be:

He stood to his feet. The chair creaked with relief. With a breif pause, soaking in the stares, he began his tale.


A good rule of thumb is to keep only related things in a sentence. The chair and standing are actions that do not add to his starting to speak. They can be in a seperate sentence. Other than this sentence variety thing, the only thing else I noticed was that you could have postponed things a bit more. I understand they are short peices, but if you dragged things out just a little bit more, they would be more emotional.

But overall excellent work!  :*
x

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Re: My work
« Reply #6 on: February 02, 2010, 04:53:07 PM »
Quote
You have an overload of commas.
yeah, I know. It's my biggest problem that always sits behind me like a hungry dog. Though since these are both just second drafts, I'm happy with how they sit.

Quote
He stood to his feet. The chair creaked with relief. With a breif pause, soaking in the stares, he began his tale.
good point.

Quote
Other than this sentence variety thing, the only thing else I noticed was that you could have postponed things a bit more. I understand they are short peices, but if you dragged things out just a little bit more, they would be more emotional.
normally I do have an extended beginning and in fact I had one for the first story, but it doesnt fit with these particular stories. I should put up some of my other stories to show how I normally build things up. The first story lost its beginning because it was an assignment on urban legends. the focus was on what happens in the park and the kid has to be quite vapid in terms of personality. The second one was always gonna have very light characterisation. it was purely about silly action so I paid no mind to emotional impact. I have written a story that focuses on ridiculous action while also having those characters and I might post that if I'm bothered to rewrite them.


Anyway, thanks for the comments, you're one of the few people actually picking holes in my stuff. Thanks.
"Parents always think kids are wasting their youth, and always have done [so] down through the millennia," says Tom Forsyth of RAD Game Tools. "'That Ug, always holding things. His front paws will develop in funny ways. Why can't he walk on all fours like normal proto-hominids?' And so, whatever the kids spend the most time doing, that's always what parents think is a waste of time, and what is corrupting their lives. It doesn't matter what that is. If all they did was homework, parents would be worrying that their kids aren't becoming well-rounded people. And, in fact, parents do this - enrolling math nerds in karate classes and the like. There is no way to win - parental paranoia ensures that kids are always doing the wrong thing."


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Re: My work
« Reply #7 on: February 02, 2010, 07:02:57 PM »
Welcome.  ^_^ Honestly, I hate crit-ing other people's work because I'm scared of offending them or otherwise tainting things. I normally just say the things I like about stories, but you seem open to the few crits I have.

They are good as is, so you should be fine leaving them be.  B)
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Re: My work
« Reply #8 on: February 02, 2010, 10:02:07 PM »


“Animal killer,” she growled, as he scrambled to his feet and burst out of the trees, pelting down the path back to Kieran. The hooves chased just behind him and as he reached the tarmac, it floated off to silence. Avi reached the fence and clambered over. Looking back at the forest, a deer looked back.

in your haunting the mysterious lady calls the child an Animal Killer

Offline Asia Kali Yusufzai

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Re: My work
« Reply #9 on: February 03, 2010, 07:07:00 PM »


“Animal killer,” she growled, as he scrambled to his feet and burst out of the trees, pelting down the path back to Kieran. The hooves chased just behind him and as he reached the tarmac, it floated off to silence. Avi reached the fence and clambered over. Looking back at the forest, a deer looked back.

in your haunting the mysterious lady calls the child an Animal Killer

yeah that got picked up on in my writing workshop. It's really just me not being able to think of anything for her to say. it's clumsy but oh well :P
"Parents always think kids are wasting their youth, and always have done [so] down through the millennia," says Tom Forsyth of RAD Game Tools. "'That Ug, always holding things. His front paws will develop in funny ways. Why can't he walk on all fours like normal proto-hominids?' And so, whatever the kids spend the most time doing, that's always what parents think is a waste of time, and what is corrupting their lives. It doesn't matter what that is. If all they did was homework, parents would be worrying that their kids aren't becoming well-rounded people. And, in fact, parents do this - enrolling math nerds in karate classes and the like. There is no way to win - parental paranoia ensures that kids are always doing the wrong thing."


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Offline Asia Kali Yusufzai

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Re: My work
« Reply #10 on: February 14, 2010, 07:36:13 PM »
Something a bit more metaphorical

Nw

Time had withered his arms, scratching little ploughed rows down his skin. His face and hair draining to the colour and texture of dust; a breath of wind would cause his flesh to float away.
“Age is kind to me,” he would say. “I’ve had just enough time,” then would pull the tape from the bottom of his shoe and give it away. A death bed covered in sand, cleaned out the next day, replaced by others. One replaced the other and another follows on. Families come and gone, some screaming through on red and fiery flying clouds others strolling into minefields. There was one who lived in the ice, covering his bed. They said he was loud, a barrel of fun; but pills from a box, knives from the cupboard, he walked on fire in a frozen wasteland; sleepwalking. He grew over the dead and living. He watched achievements and became fireproof, inhabiting the cold, finding his home. Age had given him extra time, enough time. The tape under his shoe flapped behind him, got caught on a rock and was torn away.



Post Merge: February 14, 2010, 07:44:11 PM
Something slightly more solid, yet still very soft


Pastimes

She sat cross legged and pushed the cardboard puzzle pieces around on the wooden floor, finding two garish sections of pink and yellow to snap together, inching towards a complete picture. There was a tap on her shoulder.

“I’m not finished yet, just give me a little while and I’ll be done.” She continued working, forming the image. A rat ran past her, disturbing the dust that had collected. The figure that tapped her, hooded and cloaked, sat beside, surveying the visual conundrum. She looked to the figure and smiled. “You wanna help?” she asked. It shook its head. “How long you gonna keep that up, eh?” she asked. There was a sigh from both of them. The girl scratched through her hair and a spider crawled over her finger. She snapped two more pieces together then looked again over the collection, sifting through them on the floor. Plaster from the crumbling ceiling sprinkled onto the puzzle. She found the piece connecting two large sections together. The figure put an arm round her as she smiled at her accomplishment, though there were still many sections left floating on their own.

The girl sneezed, and the figure flinched before leaning forward to look at her face. She looked back and waved away the concern. “I’m fine,” she said, before finding  more pieces to connect. The figure reached back into its pocket, pulling out a set of keys, presenting them to her. “Not yet,” she said, “Let me just finish this last bit and we can be on our way.” A door behind them was rotted, and fell to the ground, blowing dust, thick, through the room. The figure sat back, putting his hands behind to support him.

The girl continued to piece the image together. There was very little left to the puzzle, and her eyes stared, enraptured by the excitement of near completion. Slowly, one by one, she pressed each piece down into the picture, filling the gaps. She realised, one piece was missing. Looking around her, pushing away the cobwebs and clumps of fur from feral cats, she gasped in fear. The figure pulled back its hood, reached in and revealed the final piece. The girl held her breath as the picture was completed. She leaned against his shoulder and exhaled. They stood up, hand in hand, and left the house. It turned to dust and blew away with the wind.
« Last Edit: February 14, 2010, 07:44:11 PM by AsiaBunny »
"Parents always think kids are wasting their youth, and always have done [so] down through the millennia," says Tom Forsyth of RAD Game Tools. "'That Ug, always holding things. His front paws will develop in funny ways. Why can't he walk on all fours like normal proto-hominids?' And so, whatever the kids spend the most time doing, that's always what parents think is a waste of time, and what is corrupting their lives. It doesn't matter what that is. If all they did was homework, parents would be worrying that their kids aren't becoming well-rounded people. And, in fact, parents do this - enrolling math nerds in karate classes and the like. There is no way to win - parental paranoia ensures that kids are always doing the wrong thing."


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Offline Asia Kali Yusufzai

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Re: My work
« Reply #11 on: February 24, 2010, 05:09:18 AM »
Something a lot more furry than previous tales, though this is only a first draft and unfinished, will post second part later... also I would like to know if anyone is actually reading this stuff... probably not.


------------------------------



He stared up at the ceiling, a rabbit stared back. It was grey and white. Under his head, rabbits frolicked on his pillow, sprawling like ants. His quilt had rabbits. His wallpaper had rabbits. A rabbit ate a carrot in his clock on the bedside table. This sat on a rabbit patterned sketchbook. The boy hated rabbits; they made him ill; an allergy started as a child. The boy loved rabbits; they made him smile, and hated all them more for it. Rabbits on the carpet ran and jumped. The bag in the corner was covered in bunny badges, a swarm of bucktooth smiles. The boy frowned.
   There was a knock at the door, which was covered by a bunny in a basketball jersey complimented by sweatbands. It held a ball at its side.
   “Scott?” said a voice beyond the door. It was his mother.
   “Come in,” he replied, staying as he was, lying on his back. The door opened and his small stout mother leaned into the room.
   “Morning!” she chirped.
   “Is this some kind of sick joke?” said Scott, waving his hand across the room.
   “It was Josie’s idea. We thought you’d like it,” she replied as she stepped into the room and looked around. Scott stayed quiet, thinking, his eyes flicking across his brain, searching for something to say. “It’s good to have you back,” his mum continued. “How was the trip?”
   “I don’t want it, mum.” He sat up, and moved off the bed and onto his feet, walking over to the bag and sitting down to pull off its badges.
   “Nonsense,” said his mother. “You love rabbits.” Scott paused. The badges in his hand were dropped to the floor, and he sat there, staring at them. He let out a sigh.
   “You ruined my room, mum.” His mother looked at him, silent for a while.
   “I’m sorry Scott. Maybe it is a bit extreme. If you really want it all thrown away, just say so, but we honestly thought you’d like it.” She walked back, out of the room. “Dinner will be ready soon,” she said, before closing the door behind her. The basketball bunny stared at him. He reached to tear it down, but paused, stopped. His hand fell to his side and he turned away, back to the bed.
   “Well that wasn’t very nice,” said a voice at the door, it was male. Scott only had his mother and two sisters. He looked back, the bunny had moved, spoke. “You don’t like us no more?” he said. Scott back away towards the wall, sat upon his bed.
   “What the hell’s going on?” he asked.
   “You tell me,” the rabbit replied, “You used to scream and beg for anything bunny related.” He ran his paw along the shelves in the room, finding copies of Peter Rabbit, Watership Down and Little Grey Rabbit’s Storybook. He sniffed a laugh. “You used to love this stuff.”
   “I still do,” Scott said. His voice tinged in defensive glue.
   “Then why you hiding it? You never used to. You ashamed of us?” replied the rabbit. Scott tried to speak. He couldn’t say a thing. He sat back against the wall, head hung low.
   “What the hell is going insane… I’m going insane,” he said.
   “That would explain it,” said the bunny. Scott looked up, taking in the idea, chewing it in his head.
   “Who are you?” he asked.
   “Shashi Hopper, but most just call me Hopper. I already know your name,” he replied.
"Parents always think kids are wasting their youth, and always have done [so] down through the millennia," says Tom Forsyth of RAD Game Tools. "'That Ug, always holding things. His front paws will develop in funny ways. Why can't he walk on all fours like normal proto-hominids?' And so, whatever the kids spend the most time doing, that's always what parents think is a waste of time, and what is corrupting their lives. It doesn't matter what that is. If all they did was homework, parents would be worrying that their kids aren't becoming well-rounded people. And, in fact, parents do this - enrolling math nerds in karate classes and the like. There is no way to win - parental paranoia ensures that kids are always doing the wrong thing."


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Offline Asia Kali Yusufzai

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Re: My work
« Reply #12 on: March 09, 2010, 03:09:17 PM »
Different story, based partly on Serial Experiment Lain (except far more simplistic and far more inviting), but mostly based on Kimmie66 (a comic book of excellent quality, both in art and story)

Here is:

Feralkat

I once knew a girl called Feralkat. Well, I didn’t know her real name, I never thought to ask; we were internet friends, we got along well enough, even having webcam chats every now and then. She had auburn hair, pale skin, and pale eyes. She killed herself about a month ago; I talked to her a week ago.  I was playing RO (Ragnarok Online, a big Korean MMO. It’s where we first met and killed Chocos together.) I was trudging through the dungeons, dressed up like a toony pirate with ridiculous pink hair, grinding XP like everyone else. I watched my XP rise in the chat window, but also, I saw that Feralkat had said hello.
“DarkKnight24: Hi, who’s this?” I replied.
“Feralkat: watch the screen.” So I looked at the muddy brown walls of the deep cavern I stood in. There was a vomiting Ghoul, but that was about it, until she appeared, walking down the screen towards me. It wasn’t a user-created avatar, not a normal one anyway. Normally they’re an animé exaggeration, but instead of that, there was realism. It used every pixel to convey a real face. It looked like her. The monitor flickered. There was a sound; it came from the game, a sound I’d never heard before, like a tortured dial-up connection. She opened her mouth, and the game crashed. My computer restarted.
   I logged back into the game, and searched around. She wasn’t there so I just sat there back, sighing, and scratching my head.  Normality had returned. I watched my little avatar with his pirate headband and boots, standing in the middle of a grubby dungeon and I didn’t want to move. It felt wrong, I didn’t know why; I just knew that standing still, feet bolted to the floor, was a good idea. I stood there for three hours. I don’t remember those hours; I don’t know why I did it. I just know that afterwards, I felt satisfied, and logged off.
   Now normally, when the game closes, I see my Ragnarok Online desktop wallpaper of a battle Feralkat and I were in; but instead of that, I saw her face. She was staring at me; I could see her hair flutter in a breeze. Her face was serious, sullen. She blinked and that noise returned; that sound.  A scratching, screaming sound of dial tones through ripped lips. She opened her mouth. The monitor flickered. Now, at her forehead was a file, an executable.  She crossed her eyes, looking at it. The title was Feralkat. She smiled. I moved the cursor over it; she grinned. I double clicked and the computer crashed.
   Reaching down to the computer, my hand hovered over the power button. I hesitated, quivered, and in my head, there was still that noise, an echo. I turned the computer on again, hearing that reassuring beep, to show everything was okay, everything will turn on just fine. Windows booted up, but she wasn’t there anymore.  The background was empty. There were no icons, no image, just black. In the right hand corner was a little MS DOS window.
“I’m ok,” it said.
“Press Enter.” That little white block flashed beside the words. I pressed enter. A flood of code poured down the window, with reams and reams of text. Numbers, letters and tons of file directories, opened, manipulated, created and deleted. It rushed through like a gust of wind, and then all at once, the code ended, the window closed.  The computer shut down and restarted.
   My original RO desktop was back, the image of a hundred little Ragnarok avatars, with me and Feralkat at the centre. I searched for our characters and I found mine, but hers had changed. The character that I had met before, the one with realistic face, realistic clothes, was in her place. The monitor flickered and for a moment, in the blink of an eye, I swear her face filled the screen. She was smiling at me.

   My monitor has flickered occasionally ever since then and I see her every time, but other people don’t. They see something, but it’s too quick, gone before they can notice, and swiftly disregarded. But I see it. I know I do.
"Parents always think kids are wasting their youth, and always have done [so] down through the millennia," says Tom Forsyth of RAD Game Tools. "'That Ug, always holding things. His front paws will develop in funny ways. Why can't he walk on all fours like normal proto-hominids?' And so, whatever the kids spend the most time doing, that's always what parents think is a waste of time, and what is corrupting their lives. It doesn't matter what that is. If all they did was homework, parents would be worrying that their kids aren't becoming well-rounded people. And, in fact, parents do this - enrolling math nerds in karate classes and the like. There is no way to win - parental paranoia ensures that kids are always doing the wrong thing."


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Offline Self-sain

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Re: My work
« Reply #13 on: March 17, 2010, 02:57:28 AM »
maybe I would understand more if I knew what the comic book was about but yea

You said she killed her self a month ago, and you talked to her a week ago so ill assume that the events you start with are those events. The level of need to see her (sorry couldn't think of a word) seems quite high for you to stay so calm and not freak out but to just sit there for three hours but I liked it over all I thought it was nice and easy enough to visualize but I'm not to sure why it resatred all the time must have something to do to what it was a reference to right?
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Offline Asia Kali Yusufzai

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Re: My work
« Reply #14 on: March 17, 2010, 11:38:15 AM »
Actually, it didnt reference these comics at all, it just took their premise. It's meant to be a kind of ghost story, hence the whole "killed herself a month ago, talked to her a week ago." The computer crashes and restarts because that's her effect on it, overloading the system with info or something like that. And he doesn;t know why he stood there for three hours. It's meant to be a kind of almost semi-possession. She is persuading him on a subconscious, ghostlike level. I can see why you wouldn't understand that or even half of the stuff here, maybe I should elaborate the story a bit more.
"Parents always think kids are wasting their youth, and always have done [so] down through the millennia," says Tom Forsyth of RAD Game Tools. "'That Ug, always holding things. His front paws will develop in funny ways. Why can't he walk on all fours like normal proto-hominids?' And so, whatever the kids spend the most time doing, that's always what parents think is a waste of time, and what is corrupting their lives. It doesn't matter what that is. If all they did was homework, parents would be worrying that their kids aren't becoming well-rounded people. And, in fact, parents do this - enrolling math nerds in karate classes and the like. There is no way to win - parental paranoia ensures that kids are always doing the wrong thing."


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