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Author Topic: My work  (Read 5017 times)

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Offline Self-sain

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Re: My work
« Reply #15 on: March 17, 2010, 12:50:50 PM »
It was a good story and the other stuff wasn't big enough to make you go back and change it because you don't want to over inform the reader and bore them
if you ever want to see Lil Johny again...
YOU WILL LOOK D:<

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Re: My work
« Reply #16 on: March 22, 2010, 07:15:22 PM »
Great build up of tension Asia, definitely fits the genre of 'ghost story' very well. I love how you switched from an average scene of playing a game and chatting to some online friend, and twisted it all in one instant with the line " She killed herself about a month ago; I talked to her a week ago. " which is also where you first start to instigate tension and a general surreal feel to the piece which contrasts so well to the first couple of lines.

As per usual, great literary work  :3
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Offline Asia Kali Yusufzai

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Re: My work
« Reply #17 on: March 22, 2010, 08:44:00 PM »
thanks kitt. I've updated it recently so it's much better, and i've written a more horror centric one for the same class. It was good.

But yeah thanks for the feedback. It means a lot.
"Parents always think kids are wasting their youth, and always have done [so] down through the millennia," says Tom Forsyth of RAD Game Tools. "'That Ug, always holding things. His front paws will develop in funny ways. Why can't he walk on all fours like normal proto-hominids?' And so, whatever the kids spend the most time doing, that's always what parents think is a waste of time, and what is corrupting their lives. It doesn't matter what that is. If all they did was homework, parents would be worrying that their kids aren't becoming well-rounded people. And, in fact, parents do this - enrolling math nerds in karate classes and the like. There is no way to win - parental paranoia ensures that kids are always doing the wrong thing."


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Re: My work
« Reply #18 on: March 31, 2010, 03:09:04 AM »
I was lost at first with your rabbit one. I thought the rabbits in the room were real, but it donned on me as I read through. That time your descriptiveness flew right over me, haha. As for Feralkat, it creeped me out. Though I was comfortable as it was in a virtual realm, in which I enjoy being a gamer. I also thought something at the end...."White Noise" Or what ever that movie was...

Good job, enjoyed them.
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Offline Asia Kali Yusufzai

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Re: My work
« Reply #19 on: March 31, 2010, 02:37:47 PM »
thankyou very much indeed.

I wonder why this thread hasn't been deleted, I'm sure i sent vince a link to this one along with all the others for cremation, oh well, I'll just have this open just in case I change my mind and hope beyond hope that someone will read my stuff within a week of it being posted.
"Parents always think kids are wasting their youth, and always have done [so] down through the millennia," says Tom Forsyth of RAD Game Tools. "'That Ug, always holding things. His front paws will develop in funny ways. Why can't he walk on all fours like normal proto-hominids?' And so, whatever the kids spend the most time doing, that's always what parents think is a waste of time, and what is corrupting their lives. It doesn't matter what that is. If all they did was homework, parents would be worrying that their kids aren't becoming well-rounded people. And, in fact, parents do this - enrolling math nerds in karate classes and the like. There is no way to win - parental paranoia ensures that kids are always doing the wrong thing."


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Offline KittKat chunky~

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Re: My work
« Reply #20 on: March 31, 2010, 04:17:03 PM »
whenever i get the chance, between doing coursework and other stuff, i try to check out your literary works and rp's Asia  :P
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Offline Asia Kali Yusufzai

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Re: My work
« Reply #21 on: March 31, 2010, 11:04:11 PM »
hmm, i guess I should only post stuff if i want feedback over the long term. I should have like a space of a month or two between stories
"Parents always think kids are wasting their youth, and always have done [so] down through the millennia," says Tom Forsyth of RAD Game Tools. "'That Ug, always holding things. His front paws will develop in funny ways. Why can't he walk on all fours like normal proto-hominids?' And so, whatever the kids spend the most time doing, that's always what parents think is a waste of time, and what is corrupting their lives. It doesn't matter what that is. If all they did was homework, parents would be worrying that their kids aren't becoming well-rounded people. And, in fact, parents do this - enrolling math nerds in karate classes and the like. There is no way to win - parental paranoia ensures that kids are always doing the wrong thing."


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Offline Asia Kali Yusufzai

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Re: My work
« Reply #22 on: April 11, 2010, 01:57:57 AM »
writing a new little thing purely improvised out of a need to do something.





Driving in the country, twenty miles per hour, in a sleek little XK8 Convertible, and its raining like the devil. Heavy beating on my head. My suit jacket flooded and my dark jeans darkened. My paws are wet on the wheel, steering me and my Jag down the rough little road, passing blind dogs and badgers with human faces, snarling, gnashing. I blow them kisses as I pass. Turn on the radio. Bop the head, flick the ears. The road goes on, grey tongue in a grassy mouth, chunky and covered in bumps. A hill rises, watching the sky, clouds racing and sweating onto my big brown eyes. The peak leads to fall, and I hurtle past hedge, horse and tree. The trees have got no leaves, and dance naked in the rain. There's gate up ahead, by the road side, Landrover tracks tearing the turf. Three guys, leaning against the posts; pheasants in tie-dye T-shirts and skinny jeans. Ruffled up feathers in the rain. I slow down, stopping beside them, my music and the rain shouting each other down, forcing each to go louder. I bop my head, leaning back, look at the sky and taste the rain. Ears stroke the back seats, everything's wet. The pheasants look to each other.
"Are you alright, there?" One says to me. He's a big one. A big one with a bent beak and dull feathers.
"Are you alright here?" I reply, still staring at dark and darker grey sky.
"For now," he says. The others smile, sweet smiles. A facial pat on the back for the big boy. But he was looking at me.
"What you doing here?" I ask.
"Waiting for the tent to arrive," he replies.
"What tent?" I ask.
"Our tent," says one of the others. Smaller, average size and bright as a blast in the highlighter warehouse. The last pheasant wont speak. Small, bleak, shadow dweller, likes to listen, rides the wave of his friends.
"What for?" I ask. I sit up, looking at them now, eyes blinking away the water.
"Don't know," says the big one. I look at the sky, then look at the birds, and myself, and my car. I turn off the engine, get out and stand beside them. They look at me, unsure, especially the little one, shying away, back of the line.
"Guess I'll join you then," I say.
"Why?" they ask.
"Why not?" I reply, and as i stand by them, seven points around us, stretching up, an orange tent growing like a tree, stretching over us. The rain is blocked, and we're stood inside, surrounded by applause.
"Parents always think kids are wasting their youth, and always have done [so] down through the millennia," says Tom Forsyth of RAD Game Tools. "'That Ug, always holding things. His front paws will develop in funny ways. Why can't he walk on all fours like normal proto-hominids?' And so, whatever the kids spend the most time doing, that's always what parents think is a waste of time, and what is corrupting their lives. It doesn't matter what that is. If all they did was homework, parents would be worrying that their kids aren't becoming well-rounded people. And, in fact, parents do this - enrolling math nerds in karate classes and the like. There is no way to win - parental paranoia ensures that kids are always doing the wrong thing."


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Offline KittKat chunky~

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Re: My work
« Reply #23 on: April 13, 2010, 02:42:37 PM »
 o.O

I like it  :3

Really good imagery and metaphors as usual Asia  :P
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Re: My work
« Reply #24 on: April 13, 2010, 03:57:58 PM »
reading it back, god that's a strange one. It's got real flow to it. I was listening to the Gorillaz at the time... curse you Damon Albarn :P
"Parents always think kids are wasting their youth, and always have done [so] down through the millennia," says Tom Forsyth of RAD Game Tools. "'That Ug, always holding things. His front paws will develop in funny ways. Why can't he walk on all fours like normal proto-hominids?' And so, whatever the kids spend the most time doing, that's always what parents think is a waste of time, and what is corrupting their lives. It doesn't matter what that is. If all they did was homework, parents would be worrying that their kids aren't becoming well-rounded people. And, in fact, parents do this - enrolling math nerds in karate classes and the like. There is no way to win - parental paranoia ensures that kids are always doing the wrong thing."


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Offline Asia Kali Yusufzai

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Re: My work
« Reply #25 on: May 25, 2010, 01:54:21 AM »
Just wrote this. First draft, but it took a while to write, written as it was during the commentary of Once Upon A Time in the West. It is slightly imbued by its atmosphere as well, hopefully. I thought maybe somebody would enjoy this:


Something scuttled over thick dark cables, in dark crevices embedded in the ceiling. It looked down to a factory filled with steam, dripping down steel walls.
Through the mist, standing on a steel grate floor, was a humanoid with a hammer instead of the right hand. Its body was silver curves and musculature shining as this arm raised and fell. A clang against an anvil bent a cold sheet of aluminium.
Cables hung low from the ceiling, and something scuttled along to its lowest point; grasping hands with two thumbs, on all six arms, heading down the cable, moist with steam. It stared down with chameleonic eyes, twitching up and down the figure, then to the hammer, fused to the right arm.
Swinging down again, clanging, and bending the sheet of metal. The figure stopped, and picked up its work with a thick left hand formed of wires and elastic modules, surrounded in a cold shell, dripping. It walked. Metal feet against a metal floor, lumbering across the room with its shaped aluminium in its hand.
The creature, above, following the humanoid with its eyes, twitching. One eye flicked to a door, deep in a corner, thick with mist. A large handle sprouted from its edge, like a claw.
The hammer hooked around the handle, pushing it down, pulling the door open. It stepped through, disappearing as the door closed shut.
"Parents always think kids are wasting their youth, and always have done [so] down through the millennia," says Tom Forsyth of RAD Game Tools. "'That Ug, always holding things. His front paws will develop in funny ways. Why can't he walk on all fours like normal proto-hominids?' And so, whatever the kids spend the most time doing, that's always what parents think is a waste of time, and what is corrupting their lives. It doesn't matter what that is. If all they did was homework, parents would be worrying that their kids aren't becoming well-rounded people. And, in fact, parents do this - enrolling math nerds in karate classes and the like. There is no way to win - parental paranoia ensures that kids are always doing the wrong thing."


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Offline KittKat chunky~

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Re: My work
« Reply #26 on: May 25, 2010, 07:53:31 PM »
Interesting... as always your descriptive imagery is brilliant, I can really see it, interesting ideas as well.... Yeah, I enjoyed reading that  :P
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Re: My work
« Reply #27 on: May 25, 2010, 08:54:20 PM »
reading it back? oh dear god it's a mess, but there's some good stuff in there. Such is the way with first drafts.
"Parents always think kids are wasting their youth, and always have done [so] down through the millennia," says Tom Forsyth of RAD Game Tools. "'That Ug, always holding things. His front paws will develop in funny ways. Why can't he walk on all fours like normal proto-hominids?' And so, whatever the kids spend the most time doing, that's always what parents think is a waste of time, and what is corrupting their lives. It doesn't matter what that is. If all they did was homework, parents would be worrying that their kids aren't becoming well-rounded people. And, in fact, parents do this - enrolling math nerds in karate classes and the like. There is no way to win - parental paranoia ensures that kids are always doing the wrong thing."


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Offline KittKat chunky~

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Re: My work
« Reply #28 on: May 25, 2010, 10:16:15 PM »
Yup, but each time you refine and hone it down to the best it can be... until hopefully you finally get somthing your satisfied with  :P
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Re: My work
« Reply #29 on: June 26, 2010, 10:53:46 PM »
I've just written the latest part of the novel I'm working on. Here's a little section that I thought might be enjoyed. It's good because it doesn't reference anything previously in the book, so it's rather self contained and I can post it without people getting confused and without spoiling my story.

It's a first draft so will be filled to the brim with errors.


A metal hemisphere, stood upright and gargantuan in the centre of a room that was covered in paintings of the real and the unreal. Abstract battles of raging colours burst from the wall, next to exaggerated cartoons of biological creatures, including some humans. Everything stood out; everything grabbed the eyes of those who dared to look. One painting had cameras surrounding a dark swarm that swirled in the centre. Below the pictures, around the room on shelves, sculptures surrounded the hemisphere. Large and small; they stood, crouched, lay prone and even hovered in various forms and expressions. Wild robots screaming out spikes through human mouths, and others just danced and played. The cold, metal hemisphere reflected everything off her round body. A small chrome beetle stood at her peak, twitching and crawling over her. Something clicked inside the hemisphere. Motors began to move, electronics warmed up along with the heat sinks. A split rain straight from one end of the hemisphere, over to the opposite side, right beneath the beetles legs. The motors hummed, and this crack spread, like opening eyelids. The beetle jumped onto one side, riding the reflective casing as it slid away. He looked down into the chasm, and was greeted by the most enormous of cameras, staring back up at him.
"Parents always think kids are wasting their youth, and always have done [so] down through the millennia," says Tom Forsyth of RAD Game Tools. "'That Ug, always holding things. His front paws will develop in funny ways. Why can't he walk on all fours like normal proto-hominids?' And so, whatever the kids spend the most time doing, that's always what parents think is a waste of time, and what is corrupting their lives. It doesn't matter what that is. If all they did was homework, parents would be worrying that their kids aren't becoming well-rounded people. And, in fact, parents do this - enrolling math nerds in karate classes and the like. There is no way to win - parental paranoia ensures that kids are always doing the wrong thing."


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