Can't trust my significant other

[Ori]

Has anyone ever found difficulty truly trusting someone? And you really do try to trust them, and it's not like you have anything against them either. X.x


 I think I have trust issues. I really didn't notice it until recently. Me and this person we're officially a couple. And so as a show of trust I thought if I told them my darkest thing I would subconsciously submit and trust them. Because I really do love them and I want to trust them. X.x but internally I keep thinking. It won't last a year. I half expect them to be cheating on me. And I know. They're not like that. And part of me says they only act like they love me [size=78%]because they're pitying me [cause they kinda know I'm just insecure I think the term is].But I can't shake that feeling despite how much I want to get rid of it. So my question is do you guys fully absolutely trust the person you love and almost never have these thoughts. If so. Did you ever have these thoughts about them and managed to get rid of them? As much as I do love them I don't want to say something like this either. Especially one month in. That would be... awkward. And please don't get me wrong. She has done absolutely nothing to ever betray my trust. [And internally I'm adding on, 'yet']. [/size]

[Michen_S]

Since I have very little experince with romantic relationships, I'll just answer this with close friendships in mind. I hope that's close enough for you, because I have little clue about your exact situation here.

Yes, it takes quite some time before I fully trust another person. I have two good friends I entrust a lot of my crazy stuff to. But before I got to that point, we were well over a half year further. And before I reached that point, I did find myself thinking "should I say x" or "what would they think if I did y" numerous times. There were even times that I feared they would tell it to others or didn't want to be my friend anymore if I said x or did y.
The best advice I can give you from my position is give it some time if you think it's not time yet. And take your time, as much as you need.

[Brigand]

It's a good thing to keep some safe distance. Suspecting someone of cheating after one month of relationship is, usually, a bit too much. But not trusting someone 100% is completely normal. You can trust someone 100% after years of relationship and going through some shit together.

Trust is something that people must earn. And no, I don't fully trust my girlfriend either. It has nothing to do with insecurities, it's just normal.

[Ventus Fall]

Not fully trusting someone is not odd at all. Especially if you are close to someone. You want to be fully open and honest, so any worries/fears you might have are natural, as you're making yourself vunerable to them.

That aside, I can tell you my gut feeling has always been right. There are some people who are paranoid and aren't often right. It is hard to tell whether you might simply be trusting her for 'a reason' or you might not have a 'good reason' for that.
I never had a reason to distrust my previous partner. Or so I thought (but I felt differently about it, I felt he wasn't being open to me about a few important things). He never would talk openly about any issues he might have, letting stuff build up and get to him. Mentioning on multiple occassions he should talk to me, he would say "nothing's wrong". I started to more-and-more distrust him when he would say that. Sure enough, I could start to predict when he would get upset, as I could see when he wasn't open to me.
We wouldn't have even had a relationship if he was honest with me from the beginning. So 3,5 years together with someone who never wanted to be with me in the first place, as it turned out.

Anyways, you can always get a feeling to not trust someone, but you don't have any 'logical' reason to distrust them. The mind picks up body language you might not be consciously aware of. It is possible they might not be honest to you, but to what degree would be hard to tell.

[Armalite_]

I'm agreeing with Ventus on this one.

My ex cheated on my with one of my best friends even after dating me for close to 4 years (then manipulated the situation to make the decision to break up my "choice"). I fully trusted her and narrowly escaped getting arrested for my buddy before and it was the worst feelings to ever experience. Betrayal. It changes people.

My point is that you should be cautious but not paranoid. Even if you do trust a person there's still no telling how far they're willing to go to throw you under the bus until it happens. Unless there's the red-flags you can subtly point out, there's no reason to suspect otherwise. No healthy relationship can work without trust. If trust is unobtainable, so are they.

[Ventus Fall]

My point is that you should be cautious but not paranoid.

Yes, that was what I meant! Armalite_ wrote it so much clearer than I did.  (I was tired and stressed when I wrote my previous post ^^; )
Find a healthy balance between trust and caution, adjust acoordingly if needed

But indeed, if you see red flags, do take them seriously. Even if you think it might not be a big deal, red flags are often a hint that it might be just the 'tip of the iceberg'.

(Also, sorry to hear about what happened, Armalite_ )

[Ori]

Okay Thanks for the advice everyone!

And I'm sorry to hear what happened to you two, Amarlite_ and Ventus.

[Ventus Fall]

For me: what happened, happened. I can't change it, I sometimes wish I had spent my time differently, that I didn't spend so much time and effort into a relationship that wouldn't have existed in the first place if the other person spoke up.
But, at the same time, I hope my experience can help others (and myself) to become a better person.

So it's ok Thank you.

[Armalite_]

Okay Thanks for the advice everyone!

And I'm sorry to hear what happened to you two, Amarlite_ and Ventus.

Don't be sorry, it was a turning point in my life that I desperately needed. Sometimes blessings come disguised as a curse.

[flurry]

I trust people who don't act suspicious and tell me about what they are doing etc. I don't trust those who spend time elsewhere a lot then don't tell me what they were doing/why.

[Armalite_]

I trust people who don't act suspicious and tell me about what they are doing etc. I don't trust those who spend time elsewhere a lot then don't tell me what they were doing/why.

Trust nobody until you can see through them inside and out based upon references, past incidents, and first hand experience with them. There's a lot more to lies and deception that you could possibly know.

Sometimes the most trustworthy people are the one's who keep to themselves. The ones with a big mouth are the one's you should steer clear of.

[Ventus Fall]

(...)
Trust nobody until you can see through them inside and out based upon references, past incidents, and first hand experience with them. There's a lot more to lies and deception that you could possibly know.
(...)

In fact, what I hold by is: From the start you have my respect, but you got to earn trust.
If you do something wrong (and not a small mistake, but really wrong things) you will lose respect. Without respect you can't get my trust. Simple as that.

Anyways, that was my last thing I wanted to add there x3