The Mask I Wear and it's Value

[Tina]

Just a quick disclaimer before I get into this that I am not really looking for advice or help. This rant is just something for people to read through if want a little more insight about me as person but if you feel the need to talk to me go ahead and post here if you wish or pm me. Anyway let's get into this and I hope that any one who reads this word for word can maybe can take something away to maybe help or inspire them. Words have no power, but its the emotions behind them that can make them an unstoppable force.


So first for those who don't k ow or have forgotten I joined this forum a few years when was first starting to become a furry. It was the first forum that caught my eye and at first I was scared to talk to too many people. I used to call myself Overlord0822 and my fursona was an Eevee named Lennox Garrison...did I mention I am a guy IRL. A transgender guy who has no money to go through the surgery right now but that's not relevant.

So I was not that open about myself back then but one member on the forum was able to help with that. Fennox Higarri (hope I spelled that right.) was one of the first people on this forum I ever roleplayed with and he helped me figure out who I wanted to be. From then on out I started to be more open, really showing off how crazy and fun I was.

I owe Fennox a lot...but unfortunately he had issues of his own. I won't tell a lot of the problems he had told me he was having because its his life not mine, but I will say he was really struggling IRL. I tried to cheer him up and show him that I have some similar problems, but his were worse. I don't know what happened to him or if he still alright because left the forums for good I think.

Now while I can't share what had been happening to Fennox, I will share what has been going on with me. The past couple of years have been the most challenging I have ever faced, what with transitioning into the adult world, my college work and even the job I got just a couple weeks ago. I have been handling so much stress and depression and have kicked myself around so many times to the point I can't help but consider killing myself or going off to die alone somewhere. Just a few weeks ago I came really close to doing just that as I held a knife in my hands. I don't want to go into detail not just because of forum rules but because I don't want to scare you guys with them.

My depression is often what drags me into these such places, but I always manage to pull myself back out either through shear force of will or with the help of friends and family. I have been pulled from the edge of the abyss more times then I can count and it feels like I am getting closer to jumping in each time I do.

However like I said at the start of this, I am not asking for help or advice. This is not your guys fight to hop into but you can always cheer me on, that is all I ask you all to do for me. I have always found a way to fight my battles including the battle against life, so don't worry.

Now that all the depressing stuff is out of the way, I thought you guys should know what I do everytime I come on this forum. I put on a mask, not a furry mask or anything that you would physically put on your face. The mask is actually the most valuable kind of mask in the world for a person to wear, a smile. I wear a smile everytime I go on this forum because if I came on this forum in any other way I know someone is going to get hurt. Maybe not physically but most certainly mentally and for all this forum has done for me if came in here and did something like that I might as well betray every single person on the forum.

So I smile, not because I have to but because if I come in here and smile I feel like I make everyone else happy. No one wants to see another person being sad or getting angry with everyone else, so even when I am at my worst I will smile so no one else feels sad. I will make jokes, I will try to be random, I will be a clown for you guys even if inside I am dying. Over the years I have seen many people leave this forum in tears because of something that happened in their life and sometimes even explode on everyone they can get in the blast radius.

I would never do this, so instead I wear the mask of a smile.

I made this post because of what has been happening in my life and how close I have come to losing the battle against depression. If anything ever happens to me and you guys never see me ever again for one reason or another, I just wanted one post to tell what I always try to do for you guys and how I want you to remeber me.

I want you to remember me as the crazy furry who roleplays and tries to make everyone smile.

If you have managed to read far, I wanted to also thank you for listening.

[Shoon]

People say my tips are too extreme, stupid, weird, horrible, impossible and more.
My tip is that you just drop the mask, nothing to hide, let people see you and help you.
But that's just a possibly stupid horrible tip from a guy that might be mentally challenged.

[Tina]

No its not a bad one, no advice is bad cause it shows you care.

[Armalite_]

Everyone wears masks and everyone has different reasons. We've all experienced a time in our lives where we've felt alone or didn't fit in but I feel like its also a part of growing up. Growing up is never easy like you said with your new college experience and transition into adult life, but at the end of the day, its about the choices we make and the paths we take.

I think that if you have the courage to come and tell us how you really feel, then we owe you thanks. Courage is not about having the strength to go on, it is about going on when you don't have the strength. I think if you really didn't feel like you had a purpose, you would have used that knife a long time ago. You didn't and there's a reason as to why that only you can answer.

You know that your depression does not define you, and that you can't let it control you even when it might seem impossible. But with each passing day that you live you get closer to the day you find your purpose and your true happiness and content in being yourself. You don't need to wear a mask here, not in this community. Sure, we can be negative sometimes but it's when you surround yourself with positive people that you attract their energy.

I truly believe you know what you want and how you can obtain it. If your wheels are spinning and you feel like you're not making any progress, choose a different path. If you feel school is too much at the moment then consider taking some time off school to work part time and explore your identity and what you want to do. Save some money and then resume your program (or try a different one) with some cash in the pocket so it's not as stressful and you can put more effort into focusing on what you need to get done in school and on your own time.

Life is far too short and precious to waste it dwelling on things that you'll only be looking back on. Look forward and explore the many paths you feel are the right ones at your own pace. You will make peace one day, its only a matter of time and how you choose to get there. I wish you luck!

[Tina]

Thank you, you have no idea how right you are.

[Captain Degenerate]

Thats big font

[Trixsie Vixen]

I don't want to give you advice as such because I think there is no once size fits all answer.  But I will say you are not alone.  You might be surprised at the different masks people wear and how much people can struggle even though they appear like they are doing great.


I have struggled with the same issue of not wanting to come online when I'm depressed and drag people down, so I either don't come on or I fake it (badly).  And people always say, done worry about us, we're your friends, if you're down we want to help.  Yet I know they sometimes if I have been down and have achieved a fragile happiness that I don't want that shattered either.


So, with any situation that has to competing opposites (not exposing your depression vs being really depressing) the solution is in finding the balance.  I can't tell you what the right balance is for you and your friends but not letting them help can hurt them as much as "being a downer" so just being totally selfless doesn't solve it either.  So I guess don't settle for one or the other.  Keep fighting depression and chose when to let your friends fight by your side and when to go it alone.


Something I have found is that when I am really down but don't want to spread it around but I need my friends is that I come online and just PM.  It helps me more than I expect, my friends know they have helped me and I haven't impacted others' fun.


I guess I lied, that does sound like advice after all

[Tina]

I know I am not alone and while I am always friendly to all of you...in the roleplay section I kind of can be a bit depressing. I let my emotions out onto the characters I make and roleplay as. That is how I balance this as I make some pretty depressing backstories and sometimes have horrible things happen to my characters.


I may occasionally go to far but this is my balancing technique on the forum as it is suttle and not always in other peoples faces.

[Trixsie Vixen]

I think that is a really mature and emotionally intelligent approach.  I take my hat off to you!

[Tina]

Yeah thanks, I may plan on writing out a more detailed backstory for some of my personal favorites.