furries den all welcome

[HellEye]

Second one is much easier for me.

[Garmy]

murrs and smiles,and wags tail,sits with back against wall

[Pegu]

Second one - Much more broken up. 

[Proto Triose]

I just hope it doesn't sound pretentious of me. I'm hoping it helps with the writing process, more than annoys anyone. X.x Just some tips I've learned from writing my stories, feedback I've received, those kinds of things. Another bad habit that I learned to break - "Trust your readers." I'm pretty sure I don't need to spend an entire paragraph describing a striped tie. Telling you he was wearing a blue tie with green stripes should be enough - your readers aren't idiots. They know what a striped tie looks like.

[Makias]

Thanks proto, appreciate the help. Have to go to work now, ill be on tonight

[Proto Triose]

Do your best to have fun at work Maki! We have to make money, might as well not be miserable doing it.

[HellEye]

See you Makias!

[Pegu]

Hm, well I wonder - Is there anything in that short I put that could be improved, Proto?

[Dexter Dare]

board and donno what to do 

[HellEye]

Me2 Spurius, did some gamez but Internet is bad...

[Proto Triose]

Nothing that I saw, really. I liked the "running, running" part a lot. Sentence fragments are extremely useful in relaying haste and urgency. The only real thing you notice when analyzing it is stylistic, and I will never alter someone's personal voice, even with a critique. Your voice is unique to you; it's the reason we can say that we like Sanderson's style but don't like Brooks' style, or vice versa.

So the only real question when you re-read it is your own personal opinion. Are the sentences a good length? Should they be shortened, made longer? Is there something you can add to get the desperate flight across more powerfully; or is there something in it that makes it seem more desperate than you intended? Any grammatical mistakes (and trust me, we -all- make them) can be corrected when the story is finished being told.

Personally, I liked it - I could hear your voice telling the story, and that makes it more personal and intriguing.

[Pegu]

Oh my 




(And yes, before anyone else says it, I did think Takei just there too)

[HellEye]

I read it too today, it is quite good
It has a great feeling to it, could feel being in there, the tension the spirit felt. You did amazing job with it.

[Firox]

Garmy! I missed you again

Haven't done much progress with story since I'm not home

[Cecilia Peromi]

Proto! Heyo!