A desperate ask for help...

[Timmy Fox]

Okay, I have no idea what to do or what to feel... I don't really have any friends other than our pets, my plushies and those friends I have online.
And I don't know where else I can ask for any help...

I've always kinda looked down on myself and I've also had a rather hard time growing up; my dad was very often at work, which means that I didn't get to see him very often as a child. Both my dad and me are quite stubborn and neither of us weren't very good at anger management, which means that when he actually was home, we did quite often get into a fight with each other. I can't recall him ever actually hitting me or something, but we still could fight over nearly anything.
It was always mom that had to separate us and defend me, because I was just a more or less innocent child whilst it was dad that couldn't hold his anger and stop being stubborn.

My first 5 years of school I spent in a normal school, luckily, I got a diagnosis showing "Aspergers Syndrome" as well as "ADHD" at early age, which means that I could get an assistant and as well quite some help to keep up with school. But I was still somewhat bullied and rather outcast.. I had only one really close friend back then...
Halfway through 5th grade they had to put me in a special school because of my anger management issues and such misbehaviour. The special school was for kids having trouble behaving in normal schools. I have to admit that, despite it being hard to go there because of the demands they put on your behaviour and such, it did help me gain quite some discipline and become a much nicer guy in general.
I went there until' 7th grade, where I started at this normal school, but in a special class for people with aspergers and autism. I don't think I've ever been happier before before I started there; my teachers are awesome, the classmates aren't very bad at all, and I really get all support I'll need! I am now going my last year there, in 9th grade.

Well, 3 years ago as well, dad got this '40 yo crisis' and left mom for a guy because he realized he was gay.
a year and some months ago, I accepted myself as a furry and came out as gay as well.

Now, just a week ago, my mate left me after probably the best 4½ months of my life. I still keep thinking of him, and I've dreamt about us falling back in love with each other 2 nights in a row... I still have feeling for him, but I try to let it go. We promised each other we'll stay friends, but I'm not sure if I can keep that promise, as least not for now... I told him just yesterday that maybe we shouldn't even talk to each other for a little while since whatever we talk about, it's either about me, him or the relationship we had...

Now I have barely any friends I can consider being close ones, and not a single rl friend other than, of course, pets and plushies.
I feel like an outcast, doomed to be a misunderstood nothing. I don't know what my dreams are anymore, nor what I have to live for. The thought of suicide has slipped my mind, but I've always came to the conclusion that I'm to cowardly to even attempt it. I don't know what I have to live for, but by some reason, there's something stopping me from ending my life as well.

I've always felt different from everyone else, and I even feel different for myself. I don't know who I am anymore, I feel like I'm a spirit of a fox, stuck in the body of a human. I don't find humans very interesting, I'm alot more interested in animals, especially canines. To be honest, I believe that I'd even prefer a cub or puppy over a human baby!

So this is kinda where I am... I'm confused over my identity and don't know what to feel anymore... I'm afraid of how the future holds, and I really hope so hard it's something good...

I am a bit spoiled and I have hard to ever get enough of something. I've never been on any medication, instead I've been raised rather completely by my mother.

I also believe that if it ain't practice, it has to be done right the first time because you might not get a second chance. And with my life, I feel like I've failed my life, and therefore there's not much use in continuing to try... my self esteem is quite low, and my hopes for the future just seems to get more and more impossible for every day that passes...

I've been quite depressed now lately and I just keep thinking of how miserable my life is... it's been going up and down, but it's getting harder and harder to cope with each time I get back down...

I'm just asking for help and advise... please... I don't know what else I can do....

Thanks...

[Puncia]

You're still extremely young, you just ended a relationship that meant a lot to you. I really wouldn't get worried about anything, trust me.
Maybe you'll be able to be friends with your ex in a few months time. Who knows? Just take it easy, wait and see.

[Timmy Fox]

This isn't just about my recent break up... the break up sure has had an impact on it, but I was thinking more about the fact that I have had it quite hard growing up and always have been looking down on myself... as well that I have very few friends I can consider close ones.. and the only ones I have is people I don't even know more than on the internet.

[Puncia]

Then what is it that you are looking for here? What do you want to change?

[Kaprika]

loosing someone you love can hurt...whether its 4 months or four years.

not having anyone to turn to is hard..but i feel your pain, as i only have friends online myself..its hard not having actual arms to fall into when your in need
but he is not the only person you will ever love..nor will it be the last. when a breakup is fresh, its good to take time apart..as the wounds are still fresh and need time to heal. if your alwase around them you wont recover like you should. don't call see or talk to him for a while...you will know when your ready to be friends again. i myself broke up with a boyfriend i had of 2 years and we didnt talk for months. almost a year, it was just too awquard and complicated things.

take solace with those you love..thats really important, whether its your dogs, your plushes or TFF...when down, its important to focus on what you have, not what you dont..

[CormacCoyotecraft]

Try looking at all the things you've succeeded at or overcome instead of at your supposed failures.

You've been through a lot - a lot more than most people have - and appear to be no worse for the wear. You conquered anger problems and improved yourself as a person as well as acclimating well into a new school. There's not a lot of people who can go through all that and adjust well to a new school setting.
You've triumphed over the extremely unfortunate absence of a parent, as well as accepting your sexuality, something a lot of people still struggle with.
And even though you may be confused now, look back at your original post here and how you describe yourself there, as a self-comfortable furry, gay man, someone of a concrete spiritual identity and as someone with a strong connection to animals. You have a lot of the pieces to the puzzle; you just have to keep slugging it out until you've got the others needed to form the whole thing.

And like Puncia said, you're still young. These ups and downs, these paralyzing heartbreaks, are all a part of life, and it can only get better from here. And as KaprikaAZ says, give the wounds time to heal. Hang in there. It'll get better.

[Timmy Fox]

Yeah.. I guess that's true Kaprika... I'm sure I'll get over him sooner or later...

Then again, I don't feel like it's my only problem... most of my depression isn't related to the relationship at all, it's just about myself; I've always been a loner with nearly no real close friends, and I feel it's beginning to get to me... I feel quite lonely and outcast.. I've always felt quite outcast and different from everyone else, both when I was together with my mate and even far before I even met him.
I am unsure of who I am and what my dreams are; I've been as well for as long as I can remember. When I finally accepted myself as being a furry, that was a big step forward for me and made me feel alot better at the time. But now I feel like I'm back to those feelings again, unsure about my identity, who I am and who to be.. this started again about a month ago or so, when I still was together with my ex...

Most of the feelings at least started with species confusion, thoughts of what I am: A fox-obsessed human or a fox that happened to be born as a human. I've been trying to be acceptant with myself, but there's still something in my head saying that I'm so wrong and different from other people.. As well I just wish I had been born as a fox, rather than human. I feel that my life would be so much easier if I could just be a fox and only have to follow my instincts without having a care in the world.

What I seek help and help with is that, what I should do and how I should feel. Because I feel all of the confusion and such is slowly tearing me apart.

EDIT: @Cormac, I guess that's very true... as well, I still however feel like I need support with all of this..

[armagre]

I also believe that if it ain't practice, it has to be done right the first time because you might not get a second chance. And with my life, I feel like I've failed my life, and therefore there's not much use in continuing to try... my self esteem is quite low, and my hopes for the future just seems to get more and more impossible for every day that passes...

this might sound strange but, have you ever thought of meditation?
I personally dont do this for my own reasons, but my friends do, and i know a online fur that i think can help do this.
I heard its really good for calming your self *and if you get really good, can give your self the feeling of transormaton*

what the meditation should do at lease, is calm you down. Then eventually progress into knowing your self.


maybe the reason why you dont have friends is not cause you dont understand people, but they dont understand you.
theres a girl i know at school and shes really ADHD and slightly retarded (not to be mean, thats what they say about her) but everyone i talk to about her, hates her or makes fun of her... i dont know why other than they dont understand. I personally have fun talking to her, she has anger moments but, they normally pass.

Also... dont worry about not having real life friends. If you want ones bad enough just try and watch people, see how they move and talk. Then once you know them maybe try at lunch, sit with them and listen and add a few words in there conversation. Not much just a few. Maybe get them to laugh, that always breaks the ice.
This of coarse works with kids that dont really know you much im afraid. Try not to do this with kids that hate you for some reason, or might not like you.
I would look for other outcasts if there are any. *just ideas that have worked for me*

hmm....this is all coming from a kid whos from a small town school, if your in a city school, I have no idea if this will  really help you. I have seen some city kids and they are mean for no reason, so good luck

personally I think its best to wait until you finish high school. There you will have lots of people to bump into!

[Timmy Fox]

this might sound strange but, have you ever thought of meditation?
I personally dont do this for my own reasons, but my friends do, and i know a online fur that i think can help do this.
I heard its really good for calming your self *and if you get really good, can give your self the feeling of transormaton*

what the meditation should do at lease, is calm you down. Then eventually progress into knowing your self.

Well, actually I haven't.. but I suppose it can be worth a try.

maybe the reason why you dont have friends is not cause you dont understand people, but they dont understand you.

I believe you can say that, I am a bit afraid to try get any friends because I'm quite afraid of being misunderstood..

Thanks for the tips and advice...

[icy wolf]

i know how you feel timmy.

your probably having a life crisis. take some time to look at the positive events in your life. as 4 your mate, you still young dont worry about being alone you will find another male who loves you. as for your friends, maybe they dont understand who you are, try to find friends some friends and let them know slowly who you are.

Post Merge: May 24, 2011, 05:36:59 AMdid some spell checking on my post

[Armalite_]

Tim, don't worry about the things you fear or are uncertain of. I know things like not knowing where to go, where to belong, or if you should  "belong" within a group can be frustrating and often depressing. Although it's ignorant of me to say I know how you feel or how you and your family and peers behave around you, I feel as though my experience with my own father is that of a misguided and depressing one as well.

I've talked to you before Timmy, and you seem like a very decent person capable of being like and sharing interests with others who may or may not be like you. I'll tell you now, Timmy, making friends can be somewhat frustrating and intimidating but we all start somewhere and it's a lot easier than you think. Just because things in your life now seem awful and depressing, that doesn't mean your life is over and that it's going to continue for the rest of it. Wake up. Be happy to be alive and go outside and explore your world beyond school and the internet. You can't depend on small places like your house or school to be the only places for a social circle. I've got friends (whom I know in real life and regularly talk to) all over Canada, United States, Germany, and in France. Where did I meet them? Bus stations, concerts, friends of friends, hotels, the workplace, restaurants, bars, and house parties. Social gatherings in public (and private) areas such as these make great places to make spontanious friends and aqquaintances. You'd be surprised that a very miniscule number of my friends came from high school and college. School, I find, has a specific mind setting within people when they're there. You ever find that some people from your school behave, talk, and do things that they normally, NEVER would within school? It's because of the social groups people feel the NEED to be catagorized in. To me, that's all a load of ****. I can find a way to get along with nealy anyone I like and it's not hard, Timmy, it's really not you just need to have an interest in talking and being social.

It's way too early in your life to be saying it's the end and that there's no hope. You're 15. I don't even need to tell you that you haven't lived your life yet and you know it. Only you know what you're good for and what you need to do. You're not at the lowest of the low and if you truly believe that you have nothing to live for, you'd be dead by now. Go out and enjoy your life, bro, while you're still young. As for your mate, all I can tell you is to look towards the future and put the past behind you. Bullies are nothing. Don't let people drag you down especially the douchebags. That's their job and your job is to be the better man. You don't need others to determine who you are because that's for you to decide. Everyday is a new beginning, not a repetition of the day before. Live each day differently and happily and I'll guarantee that things will be looking up for you in no time.

[Kyriin]

Timmy, you're an awesome guy and in my opinion you have a great opportunity for the future. You seem to be GREAT with computers and I'm sure that can lead you somewhere. To be honest, I really don't know how you don't have any friends; you're pretty cool to me. I still wanna go to Sweden to visit you as well. You haven't failed your life, there are still many things you can do. I'd say the day you're on the street with no money is the day you can safely say that. You've got a lot to live for, Timmy. You're only fifteen, there are a million doors ahead of you. I'm not real good with advice and all that but, I do believe in you and that you can get somewhere. You even speak two languages, which will get you even FURTHER, both Swedish and English fluently.