Okay, I have no idea what to do or what to feel... I don't really have any friends other than our pets, my plushies and those friends I have online.
And I don't know where else I can ask for any help...
I've always kinda looked down on myself and I've also had a rather hard time growing up; my dad was very often at work, which means that I didn't get to see him very often as a child. Both my dad and me are quite stubborn and neither of us weren't very good at anger management, which means that when he actually was home, we did quite often get into a fight with each other. I can't recall him ever actually hitting me or something, but we still could fight over nearly anything.
It was always mom that had to separate us and defend me, because I was just a more or less innocent child whilst it was dad that couldn't hold his anger and stop being stubborn.
My first 5 years of school I spent in a normal school, luckily, I got a diagnosis showing "Aspergers Syndrome" as well as "ADHD" at early age, which means that I could get an assistant and as well quite some help to keep up with school. But I was still somewhat bullied and rather outcast.. I had only one really close friend back then...
Halfway through 5th grade they had to put me in a special school because of my anger management issues and such misbehaviour. The special school was for kids having trouble behaving in normal schools. I have to admit that, despite it being hard to go there because of the demands they put on your behaviour and such, it did help me gain quite some discipline and become a much nicer guy in general.
I went there until' 7th grade, where I started at this normal school, but in a special class for people with aspergers and autism. I don't think I've ever been happier before before I started there; my teachers are awesome, the classmates aren't very bad at all, and I really get all support I'll need! I am now going my last year there, in 9th grade.
Well, 3 years ago as well, dad got this '40 yo crisis' and left mom for a guy because he realized he was gay.
a year and some months ago, I accepted myself as a furry and came out as gay as well.
Now, just a week ago, my mate left me after probably the best 4½ months of my life. I still keep thinking of him, and I've dreamt about us falling back in love with each other 2 nights in a row... I still have feeling for him, but I try to let it go. We promised each other we'll stay friends, but I'm not sure if I can keep that promise, as least not for now... I told him just yesterday that maybe we shouldn't even talk to each other for a little while since whatever we talk about, it's either about me, him or the relationship we had...
Now I have barely any friends I can consider being close ones, and not a single rl friend other than, of course, pets and plushies.
I feel like an outcast, doomed to be a misunderstood nothing. I don't know what my dreams are anymore, nor what I have to live for. The thought of suicide has slipped my mind, but I've always came to the conclusion that I'm to cowardly to even attempt it. I don't know what I have to live for, but by some reason, there's something stopping me from ending my life as well.
I've always felt different from everyone else, and I even feel different for myself. I don't know who I am anymore, I feel like I'm a spirit of a fox, stuck in the body of a human. I don't find humans very interesting, I'm alot more interested in animals, especially canines. To be honest, I believe that I'd even prefer a cub or puppy over a human baby!
So this is kinda where I am... I'm confused over my identity and don't know what to feel anymore... I'm afraid of how the future holds, and I really hope so hard it's something good...
I am a bit spoiled and I have hard to ever get enough of something. I've never been on any medication, instead I've been raised rather completely by my mother.
I also believe that if it ain't practice, it has to be done right the first time because you might not get a second chance. And with my life, I feel like I've failed my life, and therefore there's not much use in continuing to try... my self esteem is quite low, and my hopes for the future just seems to get more and more impossible for every day that passes...
I've been quite depressed now lately and I just keep thinking of how miserable my life is... it's been going up and down, but it's getting harder and harder to cope with each time I get back down...
I'm just asking for help and advise... please... I don't know what else I can do....
Thanks...