Attention, look at me!

[x]

So....I'll just come out of the bag, or, um, the closet? No. Not the closet. The bag.

I'll start by saying that this doesn't apply to you guys here, because if it did I would have left ages ago. This forum is the only one I've really felt comfy being myself in.

BUT let's start at the beggining with this little story!

I knew from when I was a child that society didn't want any part me, friends, parents, teachers...it was better if they just ignored me, and, well, they did. So I spent my childhood almost totally alone minus the family get togethers. My imagination was my only friend and it became my friend to the point that living in my head is now daily. I haven't left the fantasy of living in my head all this time, I STILL haven't come back to reality....I like the inside of my head better. It's more fun to think of the adventures I could have and pretending I'm some amazing persona instead of behaving like a normal human. As some of you know, I went through some abuse as a child, starting with a druggie, no good but adorably pathetic mother who left me and my father because she didn't get enough money for drugs, leading into daily bullying by my classmates which made me not want to try and make friends at all anymore, then into sexual abuse, then into emotional abuse by a step mother at an older age...just a lot of bad stuff. This all inspired me to retreat to my head even more, reality is a real pain.

That's not what I'd like to talk about though. What I'd like to talk about is myself, online. It may or may not be obvious, but I am a real online attention whore. I started having…erm… ‘relationships’ with older men online by the time I was thirteen, really putting myself out there as ‘available’ [removed]. For the past four years, I’ve gone through about three or four “serious relationships” with men who thought I actually cared about them…I mean they were really down with me, but I was just using them because they told me they loved me and would pay attention to me, which made me feel so happy! My current relationship is the only real one I’ve ever had, and I still sometimes feel guilty cause I like to corner him into saying I’m cute and things.

I’m also a pro at making people like me…I walk into a chat room or a forum or a club on SL, and I can start talking to people and getting them to go to some private place with me in a snap of my fingers.

Why am I like this?

[Ares the Ram]

Reality sucks, it really does. In order to get better at real life socialization, you have to go out and find them. A fur meet would be a good place to start. *hugs Katie*

[serpington]

what's there to correct? you just need to controle your need for attention and find a way to translate your natural talent for real world aplications. i'm sort of like you in a way. i have what i call an adaptive personality meaning that if i try i can craft a tempuary emotional mask alowing me to fit in. i can use it when ever i want for as long as i need to. the trick is learning to controle yourself and this talent you have.

well i hope i've been of help and i'll see you around.

[x]

Thank both of you...See, in real life I am very shy. I worry about embarassment and rejection in real life A LOT more than I do online, and would love to get past being so shy and be able to....talk to people like a normal human! If I could have the same confidence and speaking abililty as I do on the internet and real life, I think I'd go places, but sadly.................

[WhiteTiger89]

While my life story is significantly milder than yours Katie, I can still empathize in a way. Deep down, I have a powerful craving for comfort and validation from girls/women. It's gotten to the point that I have to be very careful with what I let myself say in conversation so I don't put anyone off.

I've never felt like I truly belong in this world, and I still don't when you get right down to it. That said, the one thing that's really helped me is writing. I've managed to turn my dreams and fantasies into stories that I write out, and it's proven to be a nice way to not only help me keep myself grounded, but it's also provided a nice cover for the world so I can go through life appearing far more normal than I actually am.

Creative outlets can work wonders for self confidence if you have one or can find one.

[HyperKat]

I also felt very much when I was a child that my family and society didn't want any part of me...I was the 4th child and youngest (2 boys, 1 girl older than me) and I always felt very alienated. I was never going to be as clever as my family or fit in with them properly but at the same time, because of the way I was brought up, I was never going to be able to follow the crowd like a sheep sufficiently enough to fit in at school. I myself also spent most of my childhood in fantasyland, I loved my imagination and had many games and friends in my head. Roleplay today is very appealing to me because of the fantasyland that takes me away from who I really am.

I was verbally abused a little but it was nothing compared to what you have gone through. I can only say I'm sorry people treated you like this, it was extremely wrong of them and I hope they never will again because not everyone is like they were.

When I was younger and on the internet, I also used to be a BIG attention whore ; I also had online relationships with older guys...but it started when I was about 10 for me...I had no webcam at the time thank god....but.....it was still very bad. I've had two or three 'serious' online relationships too...and some of them...I also relaised I was using them big time because I was apparentally quite attractive in personality and pictures. Would wouldn't like the attention? I've currently got my first real relationship too and I think...I don't force him to say it...but I do like him to tell me I'm beautiful...I think most girls like this though...

If I go into any chat room for a certain ammount of time, I can also make people like me quite easily...but that's only when I'm pretending...and not being myself...once I'd started trying to act much more like myself (I'm very shy IRL) I found it quite hard to manipulate people though.
I'm not as shy on the internet as I am IRL but IRL when I feel relaxed with people...that's the same as how I act on the internet.

I personally think you're like this because you just want to know someone cares SOMEONE and I think eventually you'll stop doing that to people once you find a good friend who you can talk to...just about anything...one who will care about you...because that's definitely what helped me through.

I found some friends only this year who are now my world and I can tell them anything and I know they care about me so much...and I changed...one of these friends is IRL but the other is online and I care about them equally. =)