failing at life

[x]

Lately I've been feeling like I'm....idk, slipping through the cracks. I'm becoming less and less like a real person and more and more of....something! I honestly think, that at the rate I'm going, I'm going to die sooner rather than later. It's just this feeling I have, that my clock is winding down on me and the road is ending just ahead in the greyness of my future. This isn't a metaphor for anything. I literally feel like I'm going to die soon, and I literally feel like my road is coming to an end. I sometimes try to think about the future, and what I will be doing in the years ahead....but those thoughts end up blocked! I close my eyes, and I can think of little but empty greyness and the void.

I feel left behind...or maybe left ahead.

I don't know. A part of me doesn't want to die, but the vast majority of me sees sense in it. After all, what can I do? Sure I may fulfill my dreams of being a novelist or artist. Sure I may get married to my love. But what is this when I can't feel anything? What is this when I lack the ability to feel happy, sad, angry? I feel nothing anymore! Just empty. Acting like I always act. A robot.

I'm starting to accept that maybe it is my destiny to die before I mature, and these feelings I have are real. My road is going thinner and thinner...

I've started to loose motivation to do...almost anything. I no longer see a point in putting on make-up or perfume. I see no point in doing anything more than letting the water run over my head while I'm in the shower...I no longer shampoo or use soap, as I don't have the energy to do anything more but stand there under the water. Even opening the drawers to get my clothes out and put them on is painful. I see no point in being with family as I lack the emotion to emphasize with their feelings and do little more than a fake laugh or fake conversation. My room is a mess....I don't feel like cleaning it up. My hair is tangled, ratty....I lack the energy to brush it. I go to bed late....typing my feelings onto a forum like this is better than putting my energy into trying to sleep...besides, there are the nightmares, and the hauntings.....not to mention if I had my way I would choose to lie in bed forever.

I feel so tired even though I sleep so much....no matter how long I rest, I wake up tired and stay tired, unable to run, hating to fix food or drink for myself, wanting to get the day over with as I go about like a drone. When I close my eyes, not only do I see the grey, but I quickly start to fall asleep and have to wake myself up.   

The small part of me that doesn't want to die early reaches out for advice.

[WingedZephyr]

It could just be depression making you feel so lethargic and tired. Have you tried or thought about speaking to a therapist?

[Entaru]

Don't let it get to you Sasha...you have no idea how often I've felt the same.  That feeling of "Why am I even trying...I can see Death's hiding around the corner...he's having some trouble getting that scythe hidden but he's right there."  Let me tell you, curling up and letting it happen is the worst thing you can do.  I should know...and you know that I know.  As vast as that expanse of gray may be....just focus on your feet and the person holding your hand through it.

[x]

I went to one before....it was like therapists you see on tv....the patient does all the talking. It hurt me so much to have her sit there and nod then prescribe medication (not try to offer advice or help at all!) after I spilled all my secrets to her.

I don't like therapists. They're not in it to be your friend. They're in it to hurry up your appointments as fast as they can and recognize emotions in your stories that tie in medication.

[Ares the Ram]

*hugs Sasha* I know what its like to lack emotions. They are there Sasha. They just need someone or something to help them out. Adopt a kitty or a puppy!    We're here for you Sasha. No matter what you may think, we are here for you.

[x]

*hugs back* thank you lots Macid. Always wonderful to be assured I have friends. Others can't say they have friends but I do. I have a dog and a cat...they don't like me though they're more my parents pets

[Drago Strega]

:huggles: Don't let the depression get to you. You're just tired. Take sometime to rest your head and let go of your worries, there will always be a tomorrow to go crazy over cleaning and getting yourself back on track. And take your time, rushing is bad for your heart and you'll just end up forgetting to do things which will only add to your present frustrations. You got tons of people on this site looking forward to your smile, so don't be down. Have you've been eating right, it could be you're not getting enough vitamins in your food. Eat lots of good fruit, like oranges which are my favorite. And try not to drink too much caffinated stuff cuz that stuff can burn you out and make you more depressed. Also take a nice shower everyday to clean away all the bad stuff. And when your energy returns and you feel better, try to keep death away a bit longer, cuz there are still good things to look forward to in this world and you can't live them through if you're dead, so hold on a bit more. Life is short enough as it is already don't push yourself over the edge before you've even gotten your fair share of this gift of life we've been given.
:huggles:  Take care of yourself and feel better. Mow!

[Alexei]

Wow, that's scary how accurately you just described how I felt a couple months ago, I would've suggested going to a therapist as I did since it helped me a lot but you've already stated that you dislike therapists. What I tried to do when I felt depressed was attempt to pinpoint why I felt that way, and when I did I could then face that source of depression and find a way to resolve it. If you feel like you're going through the motions then try doing something new, maybe pick up a new hobby or just do something that isn't part of your normal day, improvising will bring new life to your daily routine. And lastly,  you just have to believe deep down in your heart that things will get better, say it over and over until it's burned into your head because it's true, things WILL get better, you have so much to live for and giving up hope now will only confirm your fears of amounting to nothing.

”Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars.”
 -Brian Littrell
(I know it's cheesy but it's true)

[x]

Thank you, both of you, very much for taking time to try and help....

It has always been my dream to shoot for the moon, and I will try to follow your advice, as a better diet will surely make the day more clear as will pursuing my hobbies....

There IS always something to live for. Keeps me going.

[Alexei]

That's the spirt! Now you win at life! 
*Super hugs*

[x]

ooof! *is super hugged* thank you, but me no win at life till I cross ze finish line *hugs back*

[✡]

are you sure this isn't depersonalization disorder? I had a bout with that one and that's exactly how I felt

[icy wolf]

sasha it sounds like depression, try to get some sun light that might help. has any one told you any thing hurt full lately?

[Mathais]

Sasha I know exactly how you feel. I have the same feeling all the time, Ive found there to be (so far) no cure... Im sorry but I am always here as a companion so pm or whatever anytime and we can maybe work through this together!