Wanting to be nothing...

[Gelidus]

Honestly I don't care if anyone reads this. I just want to express my ideas in a way that other people can read them if they want.

So when I was in High School I was the most self-conscious guy in the world. I mean, no self-confidence whatsoever. Now I feel like I could take on the world. And I hate it. I hate being self-confident. I just want curl up in a ball and not care. I just can't do that anymore. I have things to take care of and feeling like I need to do all these things. But I just don't want to give an F. I want to go back to when there was nothing important going on, I could come home, no one would care, go to my room, and do nothing for 5 hours.

But the weird part is, the thing I miss the most, is the looking at myself and hating myself. I just want to be nothing. Now I have to look toward my future, work, live, go to college, volunteer, and I have a mate. I like doing all those things. But I don't want to do any of them.

Thats the end of my rant. From a someone who wants to be a no-one.

[x]

this is actually a normal feeling that should pass once the things you are working towards reach their goal and you have more time off. you would regret being a nothing now if you really went back to it, no money flow, no mate, no future.....it may sound like what you want but if you want to be nothing you may as well give up on life entirely. There are good things waiting for you. You don't have to do anything you don't want to but a little work is required to slide by.

[Gelidus]

I know I can't do it anymore. And I know I shouldn't. The main thing I'm wondering is WHY do I crave these feeling where I hate myself. WHY do I want to curl up in a ball and cry? why do I want to be single again? And is there anyway to satisfy these feelings so that I don't have to worry about craving them anymore?

[x]

we all secretly hate ourselves....self-sabotage is a normal desire.

the only thing i can suggest is to abandon everything you "don't want", mate and all, cry for a few days, and see what it's like. then you can satisfy the lust and decide once and for all which life you liked better. besides, why have something you don't want? i don't like to keep things around I don't want...

but this is a very radical move, so it may be better if you just smile and wait for the good to come.  

[Gelidus]

whoa...thats way extreme 

I never said I didn't want her. I love her. I want the FEELING of not having her every once in a while...I guess that doesn't really make sense...but I know I want her.

[x]

yes, i know you want her. this is why even having the feeling of not having her would be devestating. while you do wish to torture yourself with these feeling of not wanting things, of wanting to hate yourself, usually people come around and realize being happy is more fun than being sad.

i think you should tell this mate what you are feeling right now. she can help you more than anyone if you are so close. i think im only making you feel worse so Im sorry...

[Gelidus]

No your not making me feel worse trust me. I've always been able to talk about my feelings with...no feelings    I'm just an extremely rational person.

I've already talked with her about it a little bit. But Its hard to discuss it because I don't want her worrying about me, and she has alot going on right now.

[MinxKitty]

I dont know if you are feeling sort of the same as I get but..  I have quite bad depression, and when everything starts going well, and im happy.. I dont really know what to do with myself.. I think a lot of us spend so much time feeling down and hating ourselves, that when we are happy and self-confidence, we're not too sure what to do with that, or how we're meant to act..  It is quite easy to be the depressive one when around people, just sit in the corner and talk to people when you feel like it, theres no expectations because you are 'the depressed one'.. When you become happy and self-confident, people start asking you whats wrong when you're not as talkative one day, there is a lot of expectations for you to keep up, and you cant really have a down day without it being noticed..
Just my thoughts and feelings, dont know if it  helps
Love
MK
xox

[Gelidus]

Hit the nail on the head Minx...

I don't want people to care. Thats exactly what I want. I HATE when people care about me. Don't know why, but that what I people to just leave me alone and go about their lives.

As always, thank you Minx

[MinxKitty]

Because people caring aslo comes with expectation... I had this guy who really really cared about me, and with his help he expected me to get happier and better... When i didnt he got pissed off and now doesnt care at all .. I never want anyone to care about me again, i just dont want the hassle of it really..   i guess it shows people love us, its meant to be a good thing to be loved and cared about, but ive never really been loved in the right way, so the whole thing scares me "/... 
Hope you can get it sorted soon hun
Love
MK
xox