So I'm well aware that many people are diagnosed with this in one form or another every year. Especially where I live, it's very common for teenagers to "have it" or lie about it for the attention and the need to feel special. Especially around "those people" that pierce themselves or wear dark clothing... anime freaks and emos, you know the kind. I think about 1/5 of people within this very large group has claimed to have it. I've met a lot of them even though they're not the crowd I enjoy spending time with, because I have friends that are friends of them and so on. Impossible not to cross paths in town or when shopping.
I need your help, I need to know if anyone can give me answers, if any of you have experiences with this. Prepare for a
long read.
It's about ADHD, or rather ADD (ADHD-PI). I think I may have it. I don't want to have it. But I'd rather be on meds I don't want to take than not be on meds I need. Better safe than sorry... And if you're not interested, turn around now. It's a waste of your time.
I guess I should "Begin at the beginning, and go on till I come to the end: then stop.”
I have my entire life had difficulties concentrating. Every child has this, but in kindergarten I would get into arguments (not violent) with other kids, and when we were getting dressed for being outside, I would be shut in the bathroom (not locked, mind you, just told I couldn't come out before I had my outside clothes on, and I never cried about it because I knew they were doing the right thing) because I was always distracting myself and the other kids. I remember I would sit there for minutes, trying to teach myself to whistle or studying the wallpaper in there.
And the same thing happened at school, I would dawdle and often do things on my own both because I felt like it and also because I was the most unpopular kid at school next to the ones that were mentally challenged. Not that I minded it, I would enjoy just sitting on something and think. I was about 5-10 years old then.
During the years to come I went to a few shrinks and got tested, diagnosed with low self-esteem and social angst. Not a big surprise since I was an, no the outcast for over 10 years. They never asked me any questions other than how I felt about people and others, so anything close to any ADD symptoms never came up.
I didn't go well in school, I got C's and some B's in American terms. Here we have a number system where 6 is perfect, better than what the teacher expects and you need to prove you know more than the curriculum to achieve it. 5 is near perfect, all the way to 1 which is the lowest score. I was a 4-5 student.
The shrinks told me that my brain as I grew up got used to hearing that I was nothing and thus, shut itself down and that I will never be able to do my best because of it. I am forever programmed to believe that I cannot do my best. I accepted it and tried to work around it. I think I was 14 at this time.
After changing school again (think of it as moving up to High School etc., only our system does this at other ages), I came to a new class and I began to obtain real friends and develop myself freely. As the subjects and classes grew harder, requiring me to remember dates, names and historic facts, numbers and science, periods and learning languages, my grades went down to a 3-4. Of course, I didn't blame my past, I knew it was my own fault by being lazy. When we had tests I would read all day beforehand, taking notes, looking up facts online, anything I could to remember. And I would still fail. I blamed it on the fact that I wasn't paying attention on class and only doing my homework when I had to.
I did, however, do a good job and got 5's when doing oral presentations. At least before the last half of my last year. Then even that got too hard to remember.
I got out of school with a 4 on my main exam. I got history, oral. I was almost failing the class so I was very happy. I was 19.
Ok, so that's school. Now on to my private life.
When I was 17, I had a boyfriend with classic ADHD. He told me I was showing some symptoms and after I proved that I had read the entire information note that comes with his meds, about side effects and what might happen if you take them and don't have ADHD, he let me have a pill. Basically it's supposed to make you hyper if you don't have ADHD and he was surprised to see that I was more calm that day than any other. I would sit the entire day just watching TV and such. I didn't even have restless feet (one of the first things people notice about me). Might be the sugar pill effect, me wanting it to happen. But I genuinely felt calm even when I tried to forget and ignore the meds. I didn't take the result too seriously though. And I never tried it again.
I have since I was a teenager, been obsessed with things over a period of time. Like when I first learned about steampunk. My computer theme (wallpapers, firefox theme, MSN theme and picture, sound themes, cursor, everything you can modify), cellphone, music, movies, all I could think of was steampunk. Same with draenei once I started playing WoW. Computer, phone, music... right now it's snow leopards. I even have a cursor and log in screen on my Windows 7 to fit it. I think about my obsession all the time during this period. Daydream about it, look it up online, google it... They usually last a few weeks to a few months at the most. I hyper-focus on random things and to me, it's a way of life and it feels 100% natural. Same with games. Last month I was obsessed with playing point-and-click/hidden object games and I played it for hours, every day for weeks on end. Now I have a few unfinished games on my computer and I am TIRED of them even though the storylines are mildly exciting and curious. I obsessed with Queen before Christmas. And last autumn I was really REALLY into Daft Punk.
I always find it hard concentrating when the subject doesn't interest me. Music might help some but it's more my own mind that is distracting rather than the outside world. Moreover, what I do by my own free will is always at a better quality and with much better results even though it's things I'm not used to doing.
I also tire, even with things I like, if I can't finish quickly enough. Knitting is a good example, for if I can't finish what I'm doing with a few hours of work, I don't want to finish it at all. I'm not a person that enjoys tasks when I finish them, I enjoy them when I start them. I mean, I would rather sit and stare into a wall than finishing something I've grown tired of. It's beyond torture.
I am currently at a type of school you can attend at any age (most of them require you to be 18 years old or more though), you pay for it yourself and they will not give you a degree. It will rather just let you add to your resume that you attended the class. It has no grade systems and the list of different schools and classes are endless. Anything from sports to photography and arts, drama and singing, silverwork, hairdressing, animal care, sailing, mountain climbing, travel, circus, language and psychology. You name it, and I love it. This school is perfect for me, I've never done a better job at my assignments, I've never learned so much and been able to use my skills like I have here. My school's motto is "Life is the best tutor, but one year at [school] takes less time". And I agree fully.
Though I constantly run into the same obstacles I've always had, and I notice them now that I'm not constantly exposed to it. I opened a random book at the library here and the word was "gammalt" which means old, and I read "gråmalt", which means painted gray. It was written under an old black and white photo, so you can imagine I found this very amusing and showed this to a friend. He pointed out my mistake and I felt kinda silly. But this happens all the time to me. I have dyslectic symptoms. Especially when reading out loud.
Plus, after I started playing Pathfinder (variation of Dungeons & Dragons) I've noticed how slow of a learner I am. Say that you want to hit your enemy. You need to roll a die with 6 sides, add your strength bonus and the weapon bonus. As you do more advanced tasks, the rolls and systems increase as well. I never learn them. I have to write them down, all of them, and even then I may take forever to understand it. I never see the pattern and I sometimes slow the others down even though I have the most experience from earlier games. I get confused if someone tells me more than two things at the time and I need them to slow down.
When listening to music, I have a very hard time understanding the lyrics, no matter what music it is. The same happens when I listen to people talking during meals. I often have to ask people to repeat themselves. And I guess I should mention that I sometimes trace off totally when talking to someone on the phone. Sometimes I just fall out. Sometimes they have to repeat a time or date they just said, even though I was paying attention. It just didn't stick to my brain any better than a rubber ball to a wall.
I'm also gonna add something else... Have you ever felt like your mind is a series of images like zapping between TV channels? Some of them grainy, some of them out of focus, constantly being bombarded with sounds and music and voices without context? I have this quite a lot. And if I read a book or hear a character description (roleplay, D&D, audiobooks...), I have a VERY, VERY hard time visualizing it. Their face just won't come into focus, their clothes constantly vary and it's like a dissolving image in water. And sometimes my mind adds qualities I know they don't have. Like how I can't help but to imagine a tall, strong and manly captain on a steampunk pirate ship, very short of growth. I try to shake it, even draw him, but it just. Won't. Let me. It's frustrating.
I'm sure there is more, I've already forgotten something I wanted to add, but I'll assume I'm at the end, and now I shall stop. I can always edit the post later.
So, TFF, what do you think of all this? Tell me anything you can think of.
I am strongly thinking about going to the doctor and ask if they can test me and I would like some feedback from you guys.
Thank you. Very much.
