just to get it all off my chest

[MinxKitty]

I write facebook notes to let everything out, stop all the stress building up.. But when you have a massive secret, you can't post it on the biggest social networking site in the world!! So really just need to get it all off my chest.. Only one other person knows about this, and he was amazingly understanding as he can relate to it.. But I know none of my other friends, and especially family will be.. So here goes...

I'm a girl, well woman, I'm 19.. Since I was old enough to dress myself, I dressed as a guy.. I always copied my brother and his friends and found more happiness around guys doing more guy things than girls.. The conversations of hair and make up and boyfriends almost killed me at school (all girls school).. I've never felt right or like I fitted in!!  I started to dress more feminine when I got to 13 and realised I'd never get a boyfriend looking the way I did, but I hate it..  Now I'm getting older and finding out more, I'm realising I just want to be a guy!! Its not because I love girls more, I'm bi, but prefer guys.. I suppose if I was a guy, I'd be more gay, probably completely gay!..  It hurts quite a lot of the time, because this feeling affects every aspect of my life, from everyday conversations and situations to being intimate with people.. I want to be male... I feel so weird saying it outloud!!
There's two things stopping me though.. Firstly, I don't have 27,000£ and it would be hard to save that much!!!   And secondly, I had a miscarriage three years ago and I really want a kid in the future.. Everything I've read says a hysterectomy is advised first due to health reasons, which stops me ever having a kid.. And of course I wouldn't want to mess up the kids life afterwards.. Its hard enough worrying about what people will think of me, let alone a little kid having to tell people 'mummy had a sex change' "/..
Although that makes it a mute point meaning I'd never do it.. I can't shake this feeling, can't stop researching it and how it would work and feel.. I really don't know what to do!!

Well, that's it.. Thank you for reading.. If you have any advice or comments, positive or negative, ill read them with understanding of how awkward this situation would be for everyone!!
Xox

[Aoren Deringer]

Well, it is my understanding that a member on this forum (drakefox, also a good friend of mine) is aquanted with a transgendered person (to and from which gender I am unsure) so he would probably be more effective an arbiter in this situation.

However, to put in my two cents. Gender-changin operations are a serious undertaking, and if you have any doubts (especially when referring to a child) you may want to avoid it. However, seeing as you obviously feel strongly about this, perhaps it would be the choice for you. Many wemon avoid such decisions simply by dressing like a male (oft called being a 'Tomboy') although there can be other reasons for this.
My more legitimate cotribution follows thusly: Many specialists are devoted to aiding people such as yourself. Perhaps you should seek one of them for aid.

[MinxKitty]

Thanks.. Shall have to get up the confidence to go and see a specialist.. There's so many questions I have!! Would probably help quite a lot to talk to someone who really knows what they're talking about!!
Xox

[Aoren Deringer]

Again, I would be most fair in advising you to seek drake (who may link you to this friend of his who went through such an experience)
He should be awake within 3-5 hours based on the time he went to sleep.

[Lumi]

I'm sorry to hear everything has gone like that, as one of the transgender people out there i know the pain you are feeling. As for me i lack the courage to tell people and my parents... for now... this place is one of the only few places where i feel comfortable, accepted.
Everytime some relatives come over and say something like "he's grown into a handsome boy" i feel deep sorrow inside, having to act like it would be a compliment.
there are often time when i feel down and just vent it all out to my friends over in msn who already know of my condition.

I find the idea of crossdressing slightly awkward so i haven't tried that out as of yet, for it is easier for a woman to dress like a man, its just a hoodie and jeans. in my case... slightly more complicated than that i believe.

As the time has gone by, i have grown more accepting of my state, knowing surgery is too expensive for me to ever afford. still i do take small pleasure in certain girly things i do, kinda fun.

If some "higher power" gave me a chance, to change my gender, i'd do it in a heartbeat

sincerely
Lumi

(please do excuse spelling errors for English is not my native language)

[MinxKitty]

Ill agree it is a lot harder for a guy cross dressing .. And society still frowns on both sexs doing it..  I went to the pub once with my friend and her girlfriend, who was dressed like a guy to the point where you couldn't tell if she was a guy or girl.. My parents waiting till they'd left before expressing their horror and gratitude that they had a 'normal daughter', and I died a little inside.. If they ever knew how I felt, I think they'd disown me completely..  I've thought about it so much, how people would react, especially if I had the change, or just started dressing completely like a guy and requesting people call me my chosen male name.. Its hurts to think how many people I'd lose.. At the end of the day, I'm still me, I'd just look how I feel inside, how is that wrong or disgusting?! 
its good to talk to someone who feels the same, I'd gladly swap bodies with you if that was at all possible!! If you ever need someone to vent at, just pm me!!
Xox

[Lumi]

same goes for you, feeling down? just send me a pm or if you happen to have a msn then message me there, im on msn daily

[MinxKitty]

Thanks babe.. I shall pm you my msn now.. I'm not on there much, but I have the app on my phone, so just pm me and ill pop on for a chat
Xox

[Puncia]

It is completely possible to live a more boyish life even as a woman, as far as I know. I have friends, many actually, in real life. Classmates, relatives/friends of other friends and so on, that live on that line between with being a girl and acting more like a boy. They play videogames and do sports and talk about how sexy this and that girl is in movies (even if they're hetero themselves), and they hang out as a single girl in a guy's gang like it was the most natural thing in the world. They also never find any interest in romance/comi movies, makeup and fashion, girl drama, etc., and they never wear anything more girly than a necklace perhaps.

From what I hear, you don't hate your own female body. You don't feel that there are things missing or anything. In my personal opinion (!!) I would advice not to think about a sex change right now. I would firstly try to find someone to talk to in real life. Even just on a hotline. I'm not saying finding help here is bad, but locals usually know where to go and who to seek.

That said, I wish everything good your way. Your experiences are unjust and I hope you find a place in life where you and your loved ones are happy.

[MinxKitty]

Pilose - thank you!  I'm not rushing into anything, itd take me years to save all the money to actually have the change!! I'm trying to find people to talk to, but its so hard to explain exactly how I feel, and even harder to say it outloud for fear of being judged!!
Xox

[Aoren Deringer]

Dont worry about being judged here, your in a barred cell.
We've all been there, some way or another.

[MinxKitty]

Thank you!! Feels good to be fin*lly accepted for me and not who I pretend to be!!
Xox

[Puncia]

Maybe you could send an email to someone where you live? As a start.

[MinxKitty]

Shall have to do some research and/or talk to my doctor and see what's around here...
Thanks for all your support guys, feels amazing
Xox

[wastelander16]

If you still wont my openion hear it is,

I don't think you should do a gender change, unless you wear 100% because if you save up all that money and go thou with it and end up not liking your new body it's back to saving up more money and the back to the cutting board. but you should still do what you feel is right and I hope every thing gets better