I don’t know why, but recently I’ve felt somewhat.. Stressed..? I guess over gender issues on top of a lot of other things. I don’t really know what to make of it because generally, I prefer to look pretty androgynous, and it’s mainly because I don’t exactly feel like I identify with being male or female, or that at times, I feel like I identify with both, if that makes sense. I guess I’m pretty gender neutral is what I’m trying to say. I’m always mistaken for a girly gay boy or a boyish lesbian in both the way I act and how I look (well, kind of, I don’t really express interest in girls, lol, but still). I’m more comfortable not being labeled with a gender; and it’s not that I’m uncomfortable being female, I’m pretty fine with being a girl, it’s that the ability to be ambiguous is more comfortable to me because… Well, people don’t immediately slap other assumptions or label you as soon as they see you, I suppose and you feel less obligated to fulfill gender roles our society sets. I can’t really explain it any further than that.
It kind of frustrates me in a way because recently we’ve been discussing gender in sociology and anthropology… And while I find it pretty interesting, the reactions when people find out that gender is something that is pretty plastic, or that gender neutrality is a good thing… It makes me kind of hate myself. It’s like people are appalled and disgusted that someone is not strictly male or female, or that they can relate or feel connected /unconnected to both of them. It’s probably just because of where I live, but still, it makes me feel as if something is wrong with me, and it makes me wonder who would be willing to accept me when it comes to people my age and dating, ect. because of how negative the reactions are to the facts or observations made. Not everyone in the class does it, but the group I sit around particularly does it when we talk about transgendered people or gender neutral folks (with the exception of the guy who sits to the left of me; he’s actually pretty nice to me even though I was convinced he didn’t like me at first and he occasionally tries to talk to me because he’s a writer and uneasy about going into the creative field) and it really bothers me because they act as if there’s something wrong with people who feel differently about their gender and they just say whatever because I guess they assume that I’m a lesbian or they don’t realize I can relate to the people they’re making fun of. Not to say I’m transgendered, but again, I feel pretty neutral when it comes to my own gender, mentally anyway. There’s not a question that I’m female biologically.
I’ve also thought about wrapping my breasts, but I don’t know if that’s taking it too far or what. I’ve found that I’ve particularly liked hoodie season because I can get away with looking like something between male and female without having to wrap them (because honestly, though I want to do it, I don’t know where to start). But then I get down on myself when people don’t want to be around me or would never consider me as a mate unless I was a last resort or they’re the kind of person that’s so desperate they’d take anything at this point. I like to be me, but at the same time, I don’t want to be alone all the time. I also don’t want to jump through hoops for false acceptance or pretend to be something I’m not just for other people. I don’t know. I feel pretty conflicted lately because of… Well, wanting to be me versus not wanting to be shunned like a freak.
People have always told me that it’s a phase, and that I’d grow out of it… But I’m twenty now, and I’m still the same way I’ve been. If anything how I feel about being ambiguous with my gender has amplified because I consider wrapping / finding other measures to look androgynous. Not to mention, I tried to grow out my hair and be a little more feminine, and it just didn’t feel right. I don’t know what to do anymore because even though there’s pros to doing what I want to do, there are also cons to it as well. Any thoughts / advice?
