i have a story i want to share with you all...it is not a rant...not an advice thread.....its more of sharing. this is a little bit personal to share with a forum i realize..but whom else can i talk to...other then the people i feel have become my new family, that took me in. loved me at face value and accepts me no matter what.
parts of this story are a little graphic emotionaly and idealy, but are all %100 percent true and are not exaggerated in any way. this is me...reaching out from my dark thoughts and memories to mabey reach out and touch someone..wether a fellow sufferer or just someones heart.. this is a story of a daughter that was born with no mother.
the deception began before i even knew i had begun myself...she was a woman of no real status as was he..a seemingly decent marriage, up until you peel back just the top layer. if you looked under him..you saw nothing, but if you looked under hers...you saw a gold digger...a woman with no values other than her own gratification..total disregard for the sanctity of a marriage. and about 5 other men beyond that. i was fairly far along inside her..as was her unfaithfulness. before they had me there were many unsightly blemishes on her "habits" and he begged her to stop, but she saw no other needs but to her own. even being with child didnt deter her. my mother had long since decided to leave my father, she had expensive tastes and wanted to move up in the world so she was to take her pick from his friends and sure enough found her "sugardaddy" in his closest military friend. i never had the chance to have a whole family, as i was to be born into one that was split before i was even to be. however the divorce didnt happen for a while...she thought she had time, but they were discovered and he had finnaly had enough. but she wasnt going to let him have that gratification so she called off there marriage herself...so then i was to have a year or so of visitation rights with this man whom i did not know to be my father...from a early age i was brainwashed into believing this new man was my father....punishements were dealt out to those whom didnt use the word "father" over his proper name. and with enough spankings i learned his new name...daddy.
his existance was wiped from history, pictures..presents. for many years i was to not know of his existance. and even when i did discover i had a true father..i was punished for asking..and told horrible awful lies about him so she could make me think he was a terrible abusive man and she had to keep him from our happy little lives, to cover her lie.
many things happened from then to this new time...a time of lockers and bells..fresman year. the entire time from the age of three i was a mental "complication". from the age of three i was to be heavily medicated until i barely functioned. i had to experience hallucinations...swings of depression..i was deemed unfit for "normal" classes and was to be in the special classes for my entire school life..from elementary school till i graduated highschool. but thats gettiing to far, where i was at was in a pit of zero self worth. i was my mothers possession, i was a lost cause, i wasnt normal, i needed medication to BE normal or at least likeable, and above all i was nothing without my mother. there was nothing i could do to make myself of any value to anyone, and all i could do was underachieve. classes were easy because i was far more advanced then anything special ED had to offer, but dispite what the teachers said she still kept me in there. which really only acedemicaly crippled me so that later on when i joined college i was far below anything they had to teach. but when i was a freshman i met a person that was to be my undooing...he stole from me something that i had already had stolen from me as a child..but it still horryfied me, how any person could force themselves on another like that. i hid it for the longest time...but when it finnaly came to light my mother was informed....and oh was she furious.
i did it for attention she said...i lied she said...it takes two she said....she told me that she had never been more embarrased in her life of me. and i was to be grounded for months. i was devastated...
if this wasnt enough..i turned 18 and had the choice to meet my father for the first time...my sister met him and got to visit when she turned of age, but when it came my time i was forbade to meet this man. me and my sister snuck out and went regardless but what we came back to was a locked door with a new doorknob so we couldnt get in...eventualy we were let back in, but my sister was kicked out and i was grounded...not to speak to anyone. my brother punished for talking to me, and i was to not exist for 3 weeks. i was not allowed from my room..computer passwords were changed..phones disassembled and hidden and i was not allowed to talk to the family or eat with the family...i was in a prison.
meals i had to get myself and eat in my room away from everyone else, and i had to stay in the house. though when she left id sneak out and make calls at my neighbors so my friends would know im ok, but it was maddening. no human contact sitting in my room for 3 weeks..all because i met my father.
im 19 now..im at the end of my rope and i can no longer take it...every single day im job hunting, and each day my mother tells me im a waste. if i dont like her rules i can leave. she is the boss. i am ungrateful. im lazy. im not trying. so i finnaly move out and leave....not a word of warning and i grab my things and leave..she never hears from me again, though that doesnt stop her from hunting me. a few months later i get a email from her showing my adress...and every record she could find of every person in the house and there family and where they lived too... until the situation i was now in eventualy had me sent back...she was more than happy to take me, now she could flaunt it.
"i knew she would come crawling back" was how it was described..while at first i was surprised i was allowed back so openly, i thought mabey she had changed..she even defended me to my stepfather who wasnt going to let me back. but then my hopes crushed..not even a whole week after being home again and its "you dont do things as i say..you can pack your things and get out." nothing had changed...she still had utter control and flaunted it to me daily...reasserting that she was the one that ran me, and that i was never getting out. never once did it seem she even wanted me there but i knew the truth...i knew that i was all she enjoyed. me being there was her favorite thing, because she had a toy that bent to her will because i knew i had to.
21...i leave...i dont tell her where im living now. i pray that i never have to see her again. but no, she will not let me go. so she stalks..my friends she goes after and asks for my adress...my boss she goes to my work and asks him...online she tries to cozy up to my mates parents and get them to tell..she sends me text after text saying "tell mother where you live before she comes looking for you" over and over....emails with threats "tell your sweet mommy where you are like a good loving daughter before i find you OTHER ways and it wont be to your liking."
this isnt a mother...i dont know what she ever was. but what she did was starve me of a family. i never knew what a mother could be...i never got to be with the man that was my father..and when i think of family....the WORD. i get sick...
most days...i dont think of her...but the other days i feel sorrow...anger...longing.
i wonder why did it go that way...why was i beyond basic love...what was so wrong with me, was i that unloveable?
i feel anger...why did i have to go through that..what did i do to earn that sort of family...
i feel lost......when all the people around me have close family bonds, i feel jealous and at the same time hateful of them.
is there anyone else like me..? is there anyone else that feels the cold body of a stone when they reach inside themselves to wish to touch the warmth of a caring family?
id have written more of my tale, but i dont think this forum has enough space for all the injustices and battles ive fought with my family..and this really was to focus more on my mother. but may i know...if anyone else out there feels what i do?
and to those that bothered to read this entire thing....thank you..i feel were even closer you having seen a portion of my journey.
....*hugs tightly*
