Lem'me tell ya'll a story....

[Chrono Blackwyng]

I've had this story in my head for awhile, and just yesterday decided to write on it, if you'd like to join in, please pm me, because I want only comments
(bold only is writing)
Cyrus just came back from the showers, dressed in the fatigues of the boot camp he attended with three other members of his cabin. He sat on top of one bunk, while his bunkmate Phil is usually reading sci-fi comics well after lockdown. His other cabinmates were on a separate bunk, the top and bottom bunk were slept in by Tyrone and Karen respectively. Karen was the only female of the group, and made sure to keep up a wall between them and her. But, a relationship began to develop between Phil and Karen. Not like ‘boyfriend and girlfriend’, more like ‘older sister and younger brother’, she always corrects him, but sticks up for him when Cyrus or Tyrone argue with him. Usually when Cyrus got out of the shower, Karen would throw his clothes right into his face and walk off to drag Phil and Tyrone to lunch while Cyrus changed. However, nobody was in the cabin, and the clothes were stacked on his top bunk, with a note on them.
   After he put his clothes on, Cyrus got to a window and read what looked like Phil’s handwriting. Karen and Tyrone went off towards the mess hall, so I got your clothes and put them up on your bunk since I know you’d forget where they were. Cyrus sighed and crumpled the note up before throwing it into a wastebasket and heading out. He got to the mess-hall, and saw several rows of papers lined up on the bulletin board. Not to mention most of the other recruits were crowding it, seeing where their futures in the military were. Since our country is preparing for a war, as soon as they finished training, fresh recruits got put into an active unit to be sent directly to the front lines. There were more disappointments than cheers when the recruits found their designated spot. Of course, they don’t know who they’re going with since the identification codes are considered taboo to tell. Cyrus was more interested in getting his food first and finding his cabin mates. The food in general was what you would expect from a fast-food restaurant that just replaced all of their meat with tofu-based “meat”.
                Cyrus got his meal and immediately saw his, he snickered at the thought of ‘friends’. He got to the table and Karen gave him a stare of obvious contempt as he sat down, unable to shake her gaze. “So, did any of you see your new unit placement?” Phil shook his head, then looked at Karen, who rolled her eyes before answering. “I’m in the 645 regiment, and only three other people made the cut out of six hundred recruits in this camp, kinda’ sad how all of the other regiments and battalions have at least ten or more” Tyrone almost choked on his “eggs” when he heard her placement.  “Wait, they put you with me?!” Now it was Karen’s turn to spit out the food in her mouth. “Excuse me?!” Karen almost yelled, before Phil got off his chair and went to the board while Cyrus started eating his meal. About ten minutes later, the crowd around the board drastically shrank down and Phil came back with the news. “I’m in 645 too” Karen looked pitiful, she had her elbows on the table and was mouthing a prayer. This was Cyrus’ cue to put his tray up and go check where he was situated. He came back and looked at Karen, who stared back at him with a look that held a rather obvious question. Cyrus nodded and sat down, then Karen heaved a sigh before slumping into the table.

   The P.A system crackled to life when they finished eating. “Okay recruits the jeeps are here, finish up and report to the flag-pole for transportation…”

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

First off, punctuation, new speaker = new line

secondly, what's with the tofu?

thirdly the first paragraph is rolling out as much explanation as possible as though it were a summary. It would sound better and show a greater understanding of the characters if you showed these aspects through their actions and dialogue, rather than telling people that's what they're like.

fourthly

Cyrus got his meal and immediately saw his, he snickered at the thought of ‘friends’.

That sentence really threw me, it comes from out of the blue and disappears almost as quickly. the second sentence slightly supports it in a way but nothing's explained as to why she's contemptuous of him, and then later on

Cyrus nodded and sat down, then Karen heaved a sigh before slumping into the table.

this shows up, apparently showing her relieved that they're all still together... People do tend to have contradictory expressions and emotions, but having it dont in a matter of seconds is bizarre, especially when she starts praying...

It's weird...
I mean it looks like you have a good idea of what you want to do, and what you want to say, but you're saying everything all at once. You have to stagger it.
give one piece of major information then flesh it out. Then the next piece, then flesh it out. I cant really say much about the story itself because I just dont know what is happening here.

sorry if this is a bit harsh. I would say nice things about the story if I knew what it was or who the characters are. Just saying that there's a brother sister thing between two of them, doesnt give me any idea of their actual personalities. Sort out your points, then show them through character interaction.

[Chrono Blackwyng]

let me answer your questions and comments in order...

1: I did not know that, I put it in a story style I was used to....

2: the tofu was just because they couldn't afford actual meat

3: The only person I thought I didn't explain was Tyrone, but I couldn't bring myself to redo the entire thing just to do that one person.

4: His forgetfulness and laziness (last to shower) is the reason she doesn't like him, I'll try to either redo this or explain Tyrone more in the 2nd chapter.

5: Since she doesn't like Cyrus, she heaved a sigh, I didn't want to use thoughts since I felt it would further construe the definition between emotion and dialogue.

6: To be honest, I asked a few FF members for permission that I put them in the story, two have agreed so far and only one of them is in this chapter, I can give you a character sheet if you want for each of them....

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

1: What kinda stories you been readin'? but ok, that's understandable

2:Wait, so they can afford an organised military but they cant afford food? but ok, I can run with that, as long as it holds up in the latter parts of the story

3: All main characters are important enough to deserve a description. In fact all characters in general need at least a visual description. Cyrus doesnt really have a description but atleast has actions, and none of this answers what I said. Show, Dont Tell. You dont get character sheets in stories because it breaks immersion and is uninteresting. Barefaced telling people facts is also uninteresting and loses the human touch that makes everything feel real. express it through description and actions and dialogue. Atleast that's what I think. I kinda live by the Show, Dont Tell principle.

4: ok then... but I dont get what Tyrone has to do with Karen's dislike for Cyrus... but yeah Tyrone needs description.

5: A sigh is ambiguous, do different actions, sounds, or describe how she slumped into the table (heavy? relaxed? does she groan in annoyance?)

6: If this is a story for them, do it for them. I'm judging it as just a story on its own unconnected to anything else. Character Sheets are not allowed unless you expect to put them in the story itself, and that would be like putting a smiley face on a rock. It's not a person yet. Sculpt them into people, sculpt them through the story.

Sorry I'm being quite harsh here. It's just the idea of giving character sheets to someone who cant follow the characters in a novel.... it's like... that's not the point.

[Chrono Blackwyng]

3: All main characters are important enough to deserve a description. In fact all characters in general need at least a visual description. Cyrus doesnt really have a description but atleast has actions, and none of this answers what I said. Show, Dont Tell. You dont get character sheets in stories because it breaks immersion and is uninteresting. Barefaced telling people facts is also uninteresting and loses the human touch that makes everything feel real. express it through description and actions and dialogue. Atleast that's what I think. I kinda live by the Show, Dont Tell principle.

4: ok then... but I dont get what Tyrone has to do with Karen's dislike for Cyrus... but yeah Tyrone needs description.

5: A sigh is ambiguous, do different actions, sounds, or describe how she slumped into the table (heavy? relaxed? does she groan in annoyance?)

6: If this is a story for them, do it for them. I'm judging it as just a story on its own unconnected to anything else. Character Sheets are not allowed unless you expect to put them in the story itself, and that would be like putting a smiley face on a rock. It's not a person yet. Sculpt them into people, sculpt them through the story.

Sorry I'm being quite harsh here. It's just the idea of giving character sheets to someone who cant follow the characters in a novel.... it's like... that's not the point.

3: Second chapter is going to cover the physical descriptions

4: I just explained why Karen dislikes Cyrus. I'll add a paragraph explaining everyone but Cyrus, who should have been explained already.

5: I was hoping her relationship to Cyrus would explain what kind of sigh, sorry for making that assumption 

6: This story was inspired by an rp called Flying Fur, this is basically just an intro...which doesn't explain the chapter. I'll do a heavy re-do before going onto the next chapter, the visual will be post-poned for second chapter.

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

Well then I'll wait for that, see how much better that one will be

[Chrono Blackwyng]

Well then I'll wait for that, see how much better that one will be

(I just now added the revision, fast typing for the win )

Cyrus just came back from the showers, dressed in the fatigues of the boot camp he attended with three other members of his cabin. He sat on top of one bunk, while his bunkmate Phil is usually reading sci-fi comics well after lockdown. His other cabin mates were on a separate bunk, the top and bottom bunk were slept in by Tyrone and Karen respectively. Karen was the only female of the group, and made sure to keep up a wall between them and her. But, a relationship began to develop between Phil and Karen. Not like ‘boyfriend and girlfriend’, more like ‘older sister and younger brother’, she always corrects him, but sticks up for him when Cyrus or Tyrone argue with him. Usually when Cyrus got out of the shower, Karen would throw his clothes right into his face and walk off to drag Phil and Tyrone to lunch while Cyrus changed. However, nobody was in the cabin, and the clothes were stacked on his top bunk, with a note on them.

   After he put his clothes on, Cyrus got to a window and read what looked like Phil’s handwriting. Karen and Tyrone went off towards the mess hall, so I got your clothes and put them up on your bunk since I know you’d forget where they were. Cyrus sighed and crumpled the note up before throwing it into a wastebasket and heading out. He got to the mess-hall, and saw several rows of papers lined up on the bulletin board. Not to mention most of the other recruits were crowding it, seeing where their futures in the military were. Since our country is preparing for a war, as soon as they finished training, fresh recruits got put into an active unit to be sent directly to the front lines. There were more disappointments than cheers when the recruits found their designated spot. Of course, they don’t know who they’re going with since the identification codes are considered taboo to tell. Cyrus was more interested in getting his food first and finding his cabin mates. The food in general was what you would expect from a fast-food restaurant that just replaced all of their meat with tofu-based “meat”. Cyrus got his meal and immediately saw his, he snickered at the thought of ‘friends’. He got to the table and Karen gave him a stare of obvious contempt as he sat down, unable to shake her gaze.

Cyrus had already been with all of his cabin mates long enough to know their personalities. Karen is a stern mother-like figure towards Phil, but a cold-blooded witch towards the other two. Phil usually keeps to himself and only speaks when either spoken to, or when the moment presents itself. Otherwise, he is just a seemingly irresistible target for harassment. Tyrone is just a trouble maker with high marks in the obstacle course. The unspoken pecking order has Karen and Cyrus butting heads, with Tyrone just above Phil. Despite his forgetfulness and general laziness that made him the bane of people like Karen, Cyrus is actually a rather capable soldier. Its probably the only reason he can butt heads with Karen and still live.

 “So, did any of you see your new unit placement?” Phil shook his head, and then looked at Karen, who rolled her eyes before answering.

“I’m in the 645 regiment, and only three other people made the cut out of six hundred recruits in this camp, kind of sad how all of the other regiments and battalions have at least ten or more” Tyrone almost choked on his “eggs” when he heard her placement.
 
“Wait, they put you with me?!” Now it was Karen’s turn to spit out the food in her mouth.

“Excuse me?!” Karen almost yelled, before Phil got off his chair and went to the board while Cyrus started eating his meal. About ten minutes later, the crowd around the board drastically shrank down and Phil came back with the news.

“I’m in 645 too” Karen looked pitiful, she had her elbows on the table and was mouthing a vain prayer. This was Cyrus’ cue to put his tray up and go check where he was situated. He came back and looked at Karen, who stared back at him with a look that held the question of his recruitment. Cyrus nodded and sat down, and then Karen heaved a sigh of heavy depression and sadness before slumping into the table, just centimeters from hitting her forehead on it.

   The P.A system crackled to life when they finished eating.
 “Okay recruits the jeeps are here, finish up and report to the flag-pole for transportation…”

[Gabag]

Everyone conveniently ends up in the 645Th Soaring Eagles Division dont they?

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

Well I cant say that you didnt listen to some of my advice, and that's great but you just stuck a bunch of explanations in one paragraph. Seriously, try showing instead of telling. Dont say that Karen is a mother figure, show that she's a mother figure to phil through how she interacts with phil in comparison to the rest of the group. Dont say Tyrone is a trouble maker, get him to make trouble. There's been no mention of what trouble he makes. You dont have to do it in the first chapter but hint at it through how he acts and what he says. It makes it far more interesting and makes the characters feel like real people rather than the imaginings of a writer.

Karen heaved a sigh of heavy depression and sadness

You might as well just say "she was sad." It's a good try but try describing how she moves.

Either you're going in a different direction than most writers or you have a lot to learn before you can really grasp what I'm saying. Either way, you should probably just keep writing your story and rewrite it once it's finished.

[Chrono Blackwyng]

Well I cant say that you didnt listen to some of my advice, and that's great but you just stuck a bunch of explanations in one paragraph. Seriously, try showing instead of telling. Dont say that Karen is a mother figure, show that she's a mother figure to phil through how she interacts with phil in comparison to the rest of the group. Dont say Tyrone is a trouble maker, get him to make trouble. There's been no mention of what trouble he makes. You dont have to do it in the first chapter but hint at it through how he acts and what he says. It makes it far more interesting and makes the characters feel like real people rather than the imaginings of a writer.

Karen heaved a sigh of heavy depression and sadness

You might as well just say "she was sad." It's a good try but try describing how she moves.

Either you're going in a different direction than most writers or you have a lot to learn before you can really grasp what I'm saying. Either way, you should probably just keep writing your story and rewrite it once it's finished.

Well, I'm typing down the thoughts as they come into my head, so yea...
anyway, I won't be able to really work on the story till the weekend.