Flames of War: Chapter One is now up!

[.: ♥ Kiniia ♥ :.]

Heya furs! now some furs may know I've been working on a story plot for a while now, and well, the first chapter is up, while maybe not the biggest or perhaps best, I need recognition and any Constructive criticism would be muchly appreciated : ) btw, yes it is star wars focused, I thought i'd begin with something I'm familiar with



Flames of War


(This story is set about 5 years after the events of Episode III, the clones have not been turned to Stormtroopers yet but they are the baddies )

Prologue 

Desperation

Sal looked on at the corpses strewn before him, "not like this! I never meant for this to happen!" Falling to his knees, the trooper dropped his rifle to the ground beside him and cradled his head in his hands. The bright sun rolled over the hills, illuminating the foliage and signalling the end of nights gripping hold of terror, it seemed to be quite ironic as it lit up the bloodied, white armour of his former comrades. He took a shuddering breath and looked out into the horizon, seeing the lush, rich environment of Dxun. The long, twisting plant life covered most of the surface, and the shrill calls of various species of creatures echoed throughout the dense jungles.

Sal picked up his rifle once more and proceeded to limp towards the nearest body of water. He had taken a few blaster shots in the most recent battle and the blood had started to leak from his wounds. He was sure that if he didn't get cleaned up soon, the creatures would begin to hunt him, and he didn’t need that.

Chapter One: The Embers of Destiny


Eruptions of blaster shots rang throughout the long, brilliant white hall. CN #143564 or Sal to his friends peered through the scope of his rifle, trying to keep it as steady as he can. The light blue sights trained in on his target. Taking a long, deep breath inwards he held it and pressed his finger down onto the trigger. A quick burst of superheated plasma shot from the end of the gun and tore through the wooden target decimating the upper half.

A large hand was placed upon his shoulder and a serene voice declared "My son, you have been selected for our 'special' programme". Sal could practically feel the quotation marks being placed around the word 'special', he didn’t really have a great feeling about this. But he couldn't exactly say no and so went along with it.

 The young soldier stumbled along behind the Kimenoan in his armour that was a little too big for him. They walked for what seemed like an age until finally The Kimenoan - or Dralcian as Sal knew him - came to a stop before a grand door. A door that was forbidden for recruits to even approach. Raising a thin, stick-like arm, he knocked on the door twice before turning and walking back down the corridor. Stopping only to place a reassuring hand on his shoulder, then he was gone, leaving Sal on his own.

The colossal doors snapped open with a little 'shunk' noise and Sal cautiously took a step forward, he stepped into what seemed to be some sort of observation room, looking up he saw the High Council and what appeared to be four more recruits stood before them.
"Ah, Sal is it? Come closer. Take your place among your comrades. Today is a very special day in your life". Sal took a deep breath and swallowed before moving towards the council and the other recruits.
"Allow me to introduce you to your future squad members; CN #234389 or Rex, CN #574892 or Zeb CN #669422 or Gib, and CN #772100 or Nil. I'm sure you will become familiar during your training." The five recruits looked up in surprise, Zeb spoke up;
"But Elder, I was under the impression we were already training". The Elder chuckled slightly before replying "Pardon me for using a cliché, but I'm afraid your training has only just begun".

Sal woke up in his new dorm; this one was smaller than the last, only housing about 200 clones. Despite the change, he still began the day with his routine; dismantling his gun and cleaning it, before reassembling it, going to the showers, cleaning the sweat and grime off his body from the exercises and training programmes the previous day. Then heading off to the dining halls to have a vitamin filled breakfast and various vaccinations to protect against diseases. Sal's PDA bleeped. It seemed there was going to be a slight change in his routine.

Heading back to his dorm, Sal retrieved his rifle and armour before walking at a brisk pace towards one of the equipment rooms. Upon arrival he spied an old and tired looking trooper looking into blank space with a half lidded gaze, one hand supporting his head, the only thing stopping it from connecting with the desk. Sal walked up to the desk, but the soldier didn’t seem to notice him. He cleared his throat and spoke up "Excuse me sir, I was sent here to exchange equipment?" The older trooper looked him up and down and simply asked "Number?"  His voice seemed quite gruff and throaty, like somebody who knows their drink. Sal stated his number to the other soldier "CN #143564, sir".
"Apoc" said the old man "and drop the sir shit, I’m a lower rank than you now"
"Sorry si-". He caught himself and nodded as Apoc handed him his new equipment.

Looking down he saw a variation on the usual armour he wore, it seemed to be more angular and streamlined with gunmetal grey patches on the shoulders, kneecaps, hands and feet. Stripping down to his birthday suit, it was clear the clones had not been taught modesty. Once he had donned the new armour, he performed a few basic stretches to affirm the suit did not hinder him. Picking up his new weapon, he noticed the weight first; it seemed to be dramatically reduced. He began to ask a question but Apoc answered it for him "It’s the suit. At the moment it's running on it's basic systems, strength and speed enhancement, pretty soon you'll get an implant that regulates your adrenaline levels, making you more resilient and focused". Sal simply nodded, he looked at his hands "By the force, I feel like I could rip down a wall!" Another bleep sounded. Looked like it was time to get his implant and meet back in the observation room to begin his training.

The monstrous doors flew open once more, giving the little sound off as they retracted into the walls. Sal walked confidently up to the High Council and gave a short bow as he stopped. "Good. The squad leader has arrived. Now we can begin." Sal snapped his head up in shock, but remained in respectful silence as the elders continued to explain their training and gave them directions to their own training programmes.

Four intensive months of training passed by, the clones learned how to infiltrate, destabilise and occupy worlds. They learned special survival techniques and how to work in a squad. Normally they would be trained for longer and conditioned better, but time was short and their squad was in demand....Their first mission? Assist the 501st in a assault on Naboo.

[.: ♥ Kiniia ♥ :.]

No feedback? is it that bad? 

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

Most stuff here doesnt get any feedback, I try to give some where I can, but I just cant bring myself to read Star Wars fanfiction. Lots of funky names and established history that I cant bear to trudge through. This has no bearing on your story. It could rival Dickens, but I wouldnt know... also I dont like short little prologues. I see it as a forced and clumsy way of saying "just bear with me, it'll get better eventually."

so in short, this just isnt my thing. For others, it could be, but so many people are willing to post their own work yet not read anyone elses.... I guess I'm really part of the problem.

ahh screw it, I'll read it, but just remember my position on this... dont expect me to be mr happy happy joy joy.

The bright sun rolled over the hills, illuminating the foliage and signalling the end of nights gripping hold of terror, it seemed to be quite ironic as it lit up the bloodied, white armour of his former comrades

how is that ironic?

Stripping down to his birthday suit, it was clear the clones had not been taught modesty

clear to who?

"By the force, I feel like I could rip down a wall!"

I'm not a master of star wars colloquialisms, but do people actually say "by the force"? More importantly, do the clones say that?

The colossal doors

The monstrous doors

first off, what colossal doors? Dont say "the" unless we already know what "the" is. just "Colossal doors" will do because then it's just a simple description... secondly, how are the doors monstrous? more description is needed.

Four intensive months of training passed by, the clones learned how to infiltrate, destabilise and occupy worlds. They learned special survival techniques and how to work in a squad. Normally they would be trained for longer and conditioned better, but time was short and their squad was in demand....Their first mission? Assist the 501st in a assault on Naboo.

what's with the italics?

ok now that the little niggling problems are out of the way, I can review this properly. It may sound like I'm totally bashing your story out right, but I like the idea of doing it from the clone point of view. It's a good angle and something to explore. You have good solid sentences with almost no small mistakes. Your mistakes come in your lack of description. Things seem to jump from one scene to the next with no explanation as to what's going on, as though you're commentary for a film, rather than the film itself. You need to paint pictures with words. Also, try to connect up these seperate scenes and try to convey a sense of time. The last paragraph is strange. It seems far too quick for what it is trying to say.

and finally you're verging into the mistake that everyone makes. Sometimes you tell rather than show. you should always show through description. Dont just outright say that "normally they would be trained for longer and conditioned better," describe the brevity, explain it through character thoughts and actions, as well as dialogue in the higher command.

overall, you have good ideas, you just need to create a more solid environment and flow of time through description.

keep it up if you want to.

[.: ♥ Kiniia ♥ :.]

Wow, thank you so much! See it's stuff like this that can really help a writer like me. If some work only gets praised, then you'll never know how to improve it. It's also good that you don't like star wars, because then you wouldn't be 'blinded' if you will by it. So thank you Asiabunny, I will take it away and improve upon these changes you've mentioned. I may try lengthening the prologue or just getting rid of it completely. I didn't really want to reveal too much of the plot really.

how is that ironic?

Yeah, I'll admit I meant to add in an extra sentence there, as to better understand why it's ironic

clear to who?

Yeah looking back, I can see that err.

I'm not a master of star wars colloquialisms, but do people actually say "by the force"? More importantly, do the clones say that?

Heck if I know, I swear I've heard people use it before though, It was supposed to be a replacement to 'By the Gods' or something. And seing as though there doesn't seem to be gods in the star wars universe I replaced it the force

first off, what colossal doors? Dont say "the" unless we already know what "the" is. just "Colossal doors" will do because then it's just a simple description... secondly, how are the doors monstrous? more description is needed.

Hmm, I never thought that as a problem, I guess I was trying to convey how big they were.

what's with the italics?

I don't know, It was supposed to be some sort of narration. That's a big problem with me, consistency, I'll switch from one style of writing to another without noticing.

I will make the last paragraph longer and less confusing. And add more description.

[Gabag]

so far it's good
but your like me, you dont provide the description you need,
also Sal im assuming is what the veteran clones call 'Shinnies"  (i cant spell so if its wrong imagine its not)

here are 6 simple steps a friend on DA gave me for the description problem

Methods
1) make a rough timeline of the characters life up to their present. Mark in all their achivements and failures.

2)Make it up as you go along

3) Try to place your character in the greater scheme of events before and after you started writing for them and try to give good motivations for them.

4) Write a lot of memes from your characters point of view.

5) Take a long stroll somewhere and think over the plot and characters allowed on the way [two tips for this 1 don't bring an MP3 music will distact you 2 Ignore the looks people give you when you walk past them talking to yourself]

6) look back on you're original inspirations and contemplate were your character will fit in to this


i dont know if it'll help but what the heck,

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

ah character profiles. They're always a must. here's how I do mine:

Name:
Age:
Birth Date:
Sex:
Height:
Weight:
Hair:
Eyes:
Single/Married:
Sexual Orientation:
Race:
Nationality:
Economic Status: 

Education:

Langauges Spoken:

Politics:
Organisations:

Achievements:

Awards:

Defeats:

Emotional Stability:

Basic Drives:

Attitudes/Prejudices:

Diseases/handicaps:

Favourites:
Colour:
Food:
Drinks:
Music:
Art:
Hobbies:
Sports:

Names of people close to : (in order of importance)


Extra:

[Xleena]

I think what you've done so far is great,
Sure theres a few niggles that have been highlighted, but everyones a bit shaky at first, did you see the first few pages of troubled eyes?! 
 I like it all together, and Its made me thirsty for more. I am a sort of star wars fan, but not too much, so reading this might geek me up on lore! wahaha
Go for it!