Author Topic: ~Obscurity~ A Death Note Fan Fiction  (Read 2254 times)

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Offline DaiRraito IS, FurryLAE.

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~Obscurity~ A Death Note Fan Fiction
« on: October 23, 2008, 03:40:23 AM »
I'm starting a Death Note fan fiction... eh.. Hope you guys like it..
Y'know... I don't mind feedback..  -.-

-Obscurity-
A Death Note Fan Fiction

Chapter One


   Daisuke stared at the fan above him... watching one of the blades rotate.  He was sitting on his bed.  As Daisuke rubbed his nose, he stood up and went into the bathroom neighbouring his bedroom.  Staring at his self in the mirror, he sighed.  Daisuke had bleached blonde, shoulder-length hair.  It was naturally straight.  His eyes were a pale blue grey, and he had a pale complexion.  Very pale, he thought.  Daisuke slumped back into his room and onto his bed, falling asleep. 


   Daisuke slid on his cotton black jacket and his white messenger's bag which, oddly, could fit all of his college supplies.  "Have a good day, Daisuke-kun!" His mother called as he waved goodbye.  It was his first day of his second year in college.  Daisuke checked his wristwatch.  "8:55...  I'm gonna be late..." He worried, seeing as the opening ceremony started at 9 o' clock sharp.  Daisuke leaped onto his motor scooter and tapped the footbrake on the bottom with his hand.  The motor started up and he took off down the road, his jacket fluttering in the wind.  "8:57..." Daisuke jumped off the motor scooter, kicking the footbrake on the back.  It slowly crashed into the side of the 'bike wall,' as everyone called it.  "8:59..!"  He sprinted through the grounds and found his usual shortcut. Just as they were taking second-year role call, he jumped at one wall, then leaped to another, grabbing the roof.  "Raito, Daisuke."  One of the teachers called.  Daisuke leaped off the roof of the college building and yelled, "Here!"  He fell on his face in the grass.  Mr. Niwa frowned as he checked Daisuke's name.  "And with five milliseconds to spare,"  Mr. Niwa murmured.
« Last Edit: October 25, 2008, 07:01:52 AM by Daisuke Raito »

Offline Somebody

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Re: ~Obscurity~ A Death Note Fan Fiction
« Reply #1 on: November 05, 2008, 04:12:35 PM »
You know, you should definately keep up with the writing. I cant say I know... anything.. about deathnote but your story seems decent thus far. Keep up with it

Offline Devault

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Re: ~Obscurity~ A Death Note Fan Fiction
« Reply #2 on: November 05, 2008, 06:48:34 PM »
Heh, interesting intro XP I like Raito already...

I can't wait for more!
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Re: ~Obscurity~ A Death Note Fan Fiction
« Reply #3 on: November 08, 2008, 04:20:25 AM »
I didn't mean for his last name to be Raito, but it meant "Light", so... I went with it..  Besides, there's already a character named Akane (Light).
I'll type chapter two tomorrow.. hopefully.

Offline Devault

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Re: ~Obscurity~ A Death Note Fan Fiction
« Reply #4 on: November 08, 2008, 04:23:08 AM »
Good to hear, I'll be waiting for it!
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Re: ~Obscurity~ A Death Note Fan Fiction
« Reply #5 on: November 08, 2008, 04:24:50 AM »
Hmm... i might type it now.. hold on, lemme get my book bag.

Offline Devault

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Re: ~Obscurity~ A Death Note Fan Fiction
« Reply #6 on: November 08, 2008, 04:29:29 AM »
I don't want to rush you, I was just letting you know, I'm looking eagerly forward ^^;
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Re: ~Obscurity~ A Death Note Fan Fiction
« Reply #7 on: November 08, 2008, 04:42:57 AM »
I don't got much on my plate right now.  You're not rushing me, I'm just procrastinating.


-Obscurity-
A Death Note FanFiction
Chapter Two

Daisuke sat in his dorm and fiddled with his fingers.  "Everything okay?" Someone asked.  He was leaning against the doorway with his arms  crossed.  A smile was on his face. 
"What are you so happy about?" Daisuke asked.
"Oh, nothing..." The other man said.
"Okay, come on, Wolff.  Tell me." Daisuke begged.
"Fine...  Akane is in your classes!  ALL of them!" Wolff said excitedly.  Daisuke jumped up, "Yes!!" He shouted, not noticing the door was open.  "What?" Akane asked, peering inside the dorm. 
Akane had beautiful blue hair that stopped at her waist and vibrantly coloured green eyes.  She wore their suual college uniform.  It consisted of a white shirt, a blue skirt, and black high heels.  The shirt was tucked in, of course.  The guys wore white long sleeved shirts, compared tot he girls' shirt sleeved ones.  Plain brown pants, and, of course, a red tie and plain black shoes.
Wolff was African-American, not Japanese.  He wore glasses and, when not in class, a blue jacket with a grey short sleeved shirt under it.  The jacket had short sleeves, too.  Wolff wore blue jeans and black sneakers.  Plain black sneakers.  His hair was black too, and it was a bit shorter than Daisuke's.
All of the three had their uniforms on, considering their next class was in a mere two minutes.  "You guys are gonna be late if you don't get moving!" Akane reminded the two boys cheerfully.  Daisuke and Wolff looked at each other. 
"Uh..." Daisuke hesitated.
"We'll be there in a sec', 'kay?" Wolff said, "We've got to.. uhm... do stuff." He explained.
"Well, alrighty, then!  See ya guys in class!" Akane chimed merrily. She skipped away down the hall.

Offline Devault

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Re: ~Obscurity~ A Death Note Fan Fiction
« Reply #8 on: November 08, 2008, 05:22:39 AM »
Alright, up to you ^.^

And still pretty good, your character descriptions are really nice as well. They're descriptiveenough to give the general idea, but leave just a tad to the imagination so that we can make them how we see them. Really pretty good so far, the only suggestion I can think of is combining the chapters together, but that's just me. I always do long chapters XP

Still, remember, if  I'm taking the time to make a suggestion, I like what I'm reading :P
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Offline DaiRraito IS, FurryLAE.

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Re: ~Obscurity~ A Death Note Fan Fiction
« Reply #9 on: November 08, 2008, 06:41:52 AM »
Yeah.  I  try making the chapters longer, but I wrote chapter two in only 45 minutes... during detention.  >_>

Offline Devault

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Re: ~Obscurity~ A Death Note Fan Fiction
« Reply #10 on: November 08, 2008, 07:27:03 AM »
Ha, good job XP When you have time like that, you're set :P

But remember, I only offer suggestions, I don't tell people what to do
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Re: ~Obscurity~ A Death Note Fan Fiction
« Reply #11 on: November 08, 2008, 07:29:35 AM »
Yeah, I know...
I'll write chapter three.. maybe this weekend... maybe the next..
All I know right now is sleep...
*slumps upstairs to bed*

Offline Devault

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Re: ~Obscurity~ A Death Note Fan Fiction
« Reply #12 on: November 08, 2008, 05:49:19 PM »
XP Gotcha, I'll be eagerly waiting!
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