Hey here's some funny lawyer jokes i found.
  * Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
  * Witness: "No."
  * Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
  * Witness: "No."
  * Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
  * Witness: "No."
  * Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
  * Witness: "No."
  * Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
  * Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
  * Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
  * Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
  * Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
  * Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
  * Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
  * Witness: "Forty-five years."
---
  * Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
  * Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
  * Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
  * Witness: "My name is Susan."
---
  * Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.
---
  * Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"
  * Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."
---
  * Lawyer: "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
---
  * Lawyer: "So you were gone until you returned?"
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  * Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"
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  * Lawyer: "Were you alone or by yourself?"
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  * Lawyer: "How long have you been a French Canadian?"
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  * Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
  * Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"
---
  * Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
  * Witness: "That's me."
  * Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"
---
Lawyer: "Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?"
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  * Lawyer: "How many times have you committed suicide?"
  * Witness: "Four times."
---
  * Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
  * Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."
  * Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
  * Witness: "Yes."
  * Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"
---
# Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
# Witness: "Yes."
# Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also
---
Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."
---
  * Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
  * Witness: "Borofkin."
  * Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
  * Witness: "I can't remember."
  * Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
  * Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"
---
  * Lawyer: "Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?"
  * Witness: "No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region."
(you get it? Lumbar? Lumber?)
---
  * Lawyer: "Are you married?"
  * Witness: "No, I'm divorced."
  * Lawyer: "And what did your husband do before you divorced him?"
  * Witness: "A lot of things I didn't know about."
---
  * Lawyer: "And who is this person you are speaking of?"
  * Witness: "My ex-widow said it.
---
  * Lawyer: "How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?"
  * Witness: "Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good."
---
  * Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
  * Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."
---
  * Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"
  * Witness: "No."
  * Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"
  * Witness: "Picking them up in the air."
  * Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?"
  * Witness: "Attached to the ears."
---
  * Lawyer: "When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?"
  * Other Lawyer: "Objection. That question should be taken out and shot."
---
  * Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?"
  * Witness: "Oral."
  * Lawyer: "How old are you?"
  * Witness: "Oral."
---
  * Lawyer: "What is your relationship with the plaintiff?"
  * Witness: "She is my daughter."
  * Lawyer: "Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?"
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Lawyer: "Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?"
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  * Lawyer: "So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?"
  * Witness: "I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital."
  * Lawyer: "It was covered?"
  * Witness: "Yes, bandaged."
  * Lawyer: "Then, later on...what did you see?"
  * Witness: "I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head."
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Oh and by the way.
Has the Large Hadron Collider Destroyed The World Yet?
Topic: Funny Lawyer joke (Read 3351 times)