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Author Topic: Broken  (Read 2383 times)

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Offline Somebody

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Broken
« on: August 26, 2008, 03:44:58 AM »
 Broken

  It was a star filled night, a clear sky stretching as far as any could see. Diamonds flashed amongst themselves as if playing a mockery to the carnage below. The night was still and not even the most ingorant of crickets dared to make noise. Plumes of smoke rose to meet the sky, demanding its presance be known. Trumping the smoke was fire, great and boasting of its glory taking presidence over all that it ails. This was no ordinary night, a great evil taken hold of the land and strewn all in its wake. A pair of eyes glint against the bloom of the fire, surveying their surroundings. Taloned feet make way through the sand and the stone, each giving a sound of of crushing sand. While very insignificant each, they play to the orchestra of destruction going on about them. Crackles and snaps heard all around as the fire claims hut and shack, flesh and bone.
   The eyes do not give in to temptation of the dancing flames, instead focusing on the greater whole of the tragic seen before them. Bodies strewn about in horrific fashioned, dismemebered and stark. Many of which would of once been called a friend, or a comrade now only serve as a offensive decoration to assault the mind and will of those that bear witness. He carried on, blocking the instinct that would have him turn and run. He carried on, braving the sight of broken families, eggs smashed or strewn across the buildings of the town like a game on hallows eve. A single hut beckons to him, burnt and charred in a sickening manner. The air around it ripe with the smell of burnt flesh and death.
   He cringed and for the first time this raptor felt pause, a unwillingness to go further. The brightness of the flames and the soft crackling of wood played a daring melody, as if falsely temping, comforting him to go further. He clenched his fists and pushed forward, looking into the burnt hut only to find the shredded and burnt remains of a female raptor. His eyes dialated and fixed on the husk before him. She was important to him, a mate, a lover and a friend. She was bent around a hole she had dug into the sand, filled with broken eggs. Despite whatever  the monstrous abomination had done to her, her last effort was to protect her young no matter how fultile a effort it might of been. He didn't loose his composure and he didn't yell wildly into the night. Barely a tear faught its way free of his neon eyes. No action was given on her behalf at that moment he merely stared, unbelieving of what remained of his mate.
  Words finally escaped his scaley lips, spoke softly yet resounding like thunder overturning all the sounds around him. Even the twinkle of the stars seem to halt in the current moment. "My love..." two words and only two words were ever spoken. The fire in the hut nearby had suddenly burnt out, the crickets started to chirp and the stars finally dared to shine. He kneeled down beside her and placed his rope necklace on her corpse, that which bore one of her fangs given as a gift. He didn't shed a tear nor did he offer her a burial. He merely stood and walked away, knowing the earth would take her and the lord protect her. She was whole now, ready for her trip, fang and all. He made his way back down the street between the burning buildings, this time not surveying or taking in the sounds. The brilliance of the fires had dulled and the roaring sounds had gone, there was no emotion left in the raptor. All the fires that burnt within had gone out, he was utterly broken. The pull of vengeance consumed him.
  Days turned into nights and nights into days and neither did any to aid the broken raptor's heart. He marched on, through the marshes and through woods, cities and deserts. Her memory drove him, and revenge fueled him. He slaughtered and maimed, killed and burned all before him leaving nothing but the remnants of all demonic creatures he came across. In the town which they had lit fire, sewn flame into his heart and braught about their inevitable ends. The once noble raptor had become the monster and despite his efforts he only made it worse. Broken was the mind and soul, broken was the raptor who lost his love. Broken is all that dared to stand in his way.
« Last Edit: August 26, 2008, 03:50:47 AM by Tezztor »

Offline flames

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Re: Broken
« Reply #1 on: August 26, 2008, 08:54:43 AM »
Holy mother of fire Tezz! This is incredibly well written! The varied usage of metaphors to convey the devastation really help bring this alive. No tears may have been shed in the story, but a tear is falling right now in RL...
The farewell was premature. My definite stay is not definite. The constants are variable. The greeting was too late.

Offline Somebody

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Re: Broken
« Reply #2 on: August 26, 2008, 09:40:39 AM »
I really appreciate the comments, I tried to portray the emotion of the scene, though to be honest I dont feel it came out as I had planned it. Though maybe it wouldve came out better if I didnt make it up as I went along

Offline flames

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Re: Broken
« Reply #3 on: August 26, 2008, 09:53:01 AM »
Maybe, but some of my best pieces were those I made up as I went along. Planning sometimes kills off some of the emotion, whilst letting it all out at once helps the writing feel more real, even if it sometimes degrades the quality slightly.
The farewell was premature. My definite stay is not definite. The constants are variable. The greeting was too late.

Offline Dr. Strange

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Re: Broken
« Reply #4 on: August 26, 2008, 09:37:48 PM »
*mouth drops and drool comes out* holy cow.... *regains her senses and closes her mouth, blushing* I really love it, Tezz. It's beautiful.
I go by many names; Mistress of the Abandoned; King of the Shattered; Duchess of the Damned; Nightcatcher; and Dreamwatcher.
but I am untamed and therefor
Your Worst Nightmare
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Offline Somebody

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Re: Broken
« Reply #5 on: August 27, 2008, 02:01:57 AM »
Thanks for the comments I really appreciate it. Its a very emotional part in the Story.

Offline Dr. Strange

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Re: Broken
« Reply #6 on: August 31, 2008, 12:22:39 AM »
It is very good. You should keep writing. You have a lot of potential and I'd love to see what else you come up with!
I go by many names; Mistress of the Abandoned; King of the Shattered; Duchess of the Damned; Nightcatcher; and Dreamwatcher.
but I am untamed and therefor
Your Worst Nightmare
~~Dr. Stitches "Sahara" Strange~~ experiment from D13 -------->
Pet's name: A734RF50G
Adopt virtual pets at Chicken Smoothie!

Offline Somebody

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Re: Broken
« Reply #7 on: August 31, 2008, 12:29:24 AM »
I probably will, but I can only do it as it comes to me. If you force it it doesnt come out as good.

Offline Dr. Strange

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Re: Broken
« Reply #8 on: August 31, 2008, 01:12:11 PM »
Yea, same here. I just sit up in my room and listen to music, typing whatever comes to mind. Did you read my poems?
I go by many names; Mistress of the Abandoned; King of the Shattered; Duchess of the Damned; Nightcatcher; and Dreamwatcher.
but I am untamed and therefor
Your Worst Nightmare
~~Dr. Stitches "Sahara" Strange~~ experiment from D13 -------->
Pet's name: A734RF50G
Adopt virtual pets at Chicken Smoothie!

Offline Somebody

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Re: Broken
« Reply #9 on: August 31, 2008, 01:13:57 PM »
Yes I did and I even replied to it :P They were pretty good I liked the sense of emotion in them. Its definately hard to get others to feel what your feelng or trying to express but I think you were able to capture it well

 

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