Need some advice please.

[yamin fox]

Alright so every single relationship that i get in i try my best to make it last and every time it fails. i don't know what i am doing wrong so i will just start listing things off and if you would, tell me if these things are whats holding me back or preventing a long term relationship.

1. I get jealous easily especially when my bf/gf roleplays with others all the time and i feel like they are neglecting me
2. When they are having problems in life i provide the truth and some times i don't sugar coat it.
3. when i have a bad day or something goes wrong and i want help i expect my partner to be there for me and when they aren't i get upset.

these are just some of the things that i do along with some other things that i subconsciously do. So is there any advice that you would give me? or does it seem that some of these things are just stupid to get upset about. Please help me.

[Nicolas Cage]

Well, we can't claim to know every detail regarding your relationships, so there are probably some observations that'll miss the mark or sound completely irrelevant. I'll try my best to address the issues you've shared, but if there's something else on your mind that we can't answer with what's here, you might have to be more specific, either in this thread or in private if you prefer.

1. I get jealous easily especially when my bf/gf roleplays with others all the time and i feel like they are neglecting me

From this, I'm guessing the majority of your relationships are Internet-based. That's a problem in and of itself, because while it allows for a great deal more freedom based on what you can do, it often feels like there's very little commitment because you and your mate are only connected by this one facet. You can share a lot with a person this way, but you're not sharing beds or bathrooms, physical affection, financial troubles, medical concerns, family issues, work schedules etc., and overall there's a lot less to be lost in walking away from an Internet relationship than a physically-supported one. So you have to bear in mind that people might not be as serious about the concept of an online relationship as you are. Often times, literal distance between two people can make someone feel like this isn't something to take seriously, but that it'd be fun to do just to say "I'm in a relationship". I've seen furries get pretty bad about stuff like this, with lists of mates, pets, owners, and whatever else that's basically like adding someone to a friends list. Except sometimes with cybering. Anyway. All that said, how important is commitment in a relationship to you? Do you feel like romantic love is something that should be between two people at a time, and no one else should become involved? If so, you need to make your standards clear whenever you try to start something with someone.

2. When they are having problems in life i provide the truth and some times i don't sugar coat it.

NEVER feel like you are in the wrong for doing this. EVER. Honesty is essential. Sometimes it hurts. But it's important that you're helping your significant other operate under the truth, and that you can be someone they turn to for support if they need it. I assume you're not just saying, "This is how it is, get the **censor** over it", because admittedly, interacting with others does require some tact. But in the case that you're not, then it depends on the other person, and whether or not they do this often. You need to know whether you're comfortable putting up with someone who wears their heart on their sleeves, and if not, then you should consider staying away from the boohoo-y types.

3. when i have a bad day or something goes wrong and i want help i expect my partner to be there for me and when they aren't i get upset.

This isn't bad either. Relationships are, and should be mutual. Just try to be understanding if they ask for space, or are otherwise unable to be there for you at the time. You can always bring it up later if need be, and you should always try to manage such problems to the best of your ability on your own first. Self-sufficiency is a virtue, even when you get attached to others!

Anyway. That's enough of me throwing my opinions at you. I hope some of it was helpful though!

[yamin fox]

WOW. that was a lot of information that you put out there and i have to say i found all of that helpful and it does make sense that people wont take an online relationship serious and i guess that is my problem. Thank you for all of your opinions because they really did help me and i will take those more into consideration with my next relationship. oh and i must say that i got a pretty big smile when i looked in my notifications and i saw that Nicolas Cage responded to my post and in a way that made my day in itself. YOU ARE AMAZING! ok and now with that out of my system, thank you once again for your help. it was very much appreciated 

[Panda]

Good ol' Nicolas makes some good points, but I'll try to add some of my own input, too 

1. I get jealous easily especially when my bf/gf roleplays with others all the time and i feel like they are neglecting me

Although there's nothing wrong with online relationships, he made some good points about people not necessarily taking them seriously. Communication is key here: before you start dating, establish what you both want out of the relationship. Are they looking for long-term, short term, or just someone to get art with? Is it a relationship that extends to real life, or is it just a roleplay thing? Furries are pretty notorious for having roleplay/online only relationships, and while there's nothing wrong with that, it can lead to hurt feelings if all parties aren't on board with what's going on.

You should also be discussing commitment rules/concerns before you start. A lot of people don't consider RPing cheating, so its best to establish rules regarding that before something happens. Trust me, its a lot easier to respect boundaries than it is to wind up in a big fight because your partner(s) didn't realize RPing with a friend would hurt you so much.

2. When they are having problems in life i provide the truth and some times i don't sugar coat it.

You might need to elaborate on this. Honestly, I'm picturing someone telling their SO to "get the **** over it" when they're crying or something. If someone's having an anxiety attack, for example, the last thing they want to hear is how "its not that bad" or "just get over it already." There's nothing wrong with trying to honestly help, but its all about the timing. You'll need to learn to read your partner more (something that comes with time), and be able to tell when its okay to sugarcoat things, and when it's okay to be blunt.

If its still a problem, bring it up. Tell your partner that you prefer to tell the direct truth instead of sugarcoating everything, and that you might need help being reminded to be more gentle. Nobody wants bluntness all the time. If your partner is especially sensitive, work to find a middle ground ("I'm not going to sugarcoat things, but I will watch my language and tone of voice so I don't upset you further") so you're both happy. The key is not changing yourself, but each finding a way to compromise to make the other their happiest.

3. when i have a bad day or something goes wrong and i want help i expect my partner to be there for me and when they aren't i get upset.

Again, communication is key here. Do you tell your partner directly you're having a bad day, or do you expect them to just pick up on hints? Hints never work as well as people think they do  Sometimes it might take you straight-up saying "I've had a rough day, can you please make some time for me?" You both also need to be clear on what "being there for you" means: do you want them to talk to you one-on-one for the rest of the night, or would you rather play a game together? Everyone has different requirements for support, so its possible your partner just doesn't know how to support you. Like the first question, its all about setting up guidelines and answering questions before problems arise


Hope I made sense, and hopefully this will help some

[yamin fox]

Thank you for that, i did find that very useful and to elaborate on your second point, i don't just jump the gun and say "get the **** over it" i have only said that a few times to people. what i mean by what i said is that i will help and i will be there for my partner no matter what and i am not so blunt about everything its just i don't over sweeten things. i know that what i just said is a bit confusing and wordy but here is an example. if my partner was to contact me saying that one of their friends just hurt their feelings then i would be compassionate to him/her and be very sweet about it. but, if he/she was to keep complaining about it for a week on end then i would get somewhat testy and just say what i was thinking. i know what subjects to be straight to the point on and which ones i should be more gentle with. i hope that clears a few things up. on another note i have found out that to a lot of furries role playing isn't considered cheating or not being true to someone else but am i wrong to get jealous over that? in your opinion would you say that i am just being paranoid? i know in the end it is my decision on the matter.

[Panda]

on another note i have found out that to a lot of furries role playing isn't considered cheating or not being true to someone else but am i wrong to get jealous over that? in your opinion would you say that i am just being paranoid? i know in the end it is my decision on the matter.

Nahh, you're not being paranoid. In fact, jealousy is usually a sign of a healthy relationship, because it means you care enough about the person that you don't want to lose them c: Even people in open relationships, for example, get jealous; they've just learned to embrace it and deal with it different ways. Its just all a matter of establishing guidelines with your partner