-----------------------------------------------
The first day of school is fast approaching here in Minnesota. I've already come to the realization that this summer homework is just not going to get done. There is no way I could read 650 pages about King Arthur when there is a three page section about the objects around a room. I'm on page 225 and feeling pretty accomplished - hopefully just doing the worksheets will get me by. Now I know that spending time on the forums is not what I should be doing, and the previous two hours on Facebook and Youtube might have been a waste as well, but I do have the excuse of a 9 hour shift today and another 9 hour shift tomorrow, on top of the 8 hour shifts Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, this coming Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday.
In general I am excited for school. New outfits that I feel very comfortable in wearing, new Vans casual shoes that are very different from the runners shoes I have always worn, and a new me that is more defined, more discovered, and more confident. Last year I asked a lot of questions - almost dated a guy who had a crush on me, and was hit on by several other guys. I went on calling myself bi for a while, and was very unclear on how I felt, feeling a but lost. I have since discovered myself and feel confident as I walk in my own shoes. I'm repeating words, however, so lets move on.
There is one thing I am not comfortable with. My tail. My collar. My furry identity, attraction, and kink. I've made 4 tails - two fox ones, a short wolf one, and a long wolf one. I bought one collar off of Amazon - and all of these things I have worn in public - to school on several occasions last year. But I never felt comfortable. I felt nervous, and shy, and ridiculed. I was sad when I chose to hide it, but I'm not happy when I show it. It seems that my only choice is to be sad, or to be... scared. Last year it made me quite emotional and I finally broke down in front of my mother and sister. My mom started crying and had no idea I had felt "this way", saying she supported whatever I came up with. My sister, who had previously poked fun at the tail and collar, along with mother, stopped completely and showed how much she cared for her brother - for the first time in a long time. Yet, still, to this day, I become nervous to the point where I almost scratch the entire idea of going to a convention just to avoid showing my mom a paper with the word "furry" on it. I am terrified to wear the tail anywhere near my father, or grandmother, or stepmother.
My trip to the mall the other day, alone, and with the tail, left me feeling anxiety - nervous to interact with anyone. I wanted to wear the tail, I brought it and put it on in the parking garage - but as soon as I went inside I never stopped moving. I walked faster, I avoided people, I became red hot when anyone saw it. I have found no courage to wear it into or near work, or even bring it up around anyone at work.
It seems as though I am stuck, a closet fur, wanting to express myself, but afraid of being hurt when I do it.
With school fast approaching I am forced into making a decision... am I comfortable to wear the tail around peers? I always thought I would be walking into my first day as junior sporting the tail and being me, but now the time is coming and I am backing further and further away.
-----------------------------------------------
I will never forget Funmi, a.. friend? She was one of the most popular kids in our sophomore year - and certainly the most liked. Every teacher loved her regardless of the class clown she was. All of the girls loved her, all of the guys loved her. She was outgoing, kind, caring, and joyful. Near the end of the school year I was quiet near the end of seventh period, standing in the back of the room watching everyond else join crowds and chat. She came to me and told me that she liked the collar I was wearing. "It brought out my eyes."