Standard.

[Cyril]

{I'm kinda mad the message Icon is "cheesy" but it's not a piece of cheese.}
Okay, I know nobody knows me at all because I mostly do roleplay and pretty much ALWAYS in character because I'm a super nerd and whatever.
But let's start with me; I'm a 17y(to be 18 in Nov; graduated) old guy in California with a few emotional issues and probably a bit of a pompous superiority complex. I also have had a bit of an alcohol problem, although I've been trying to not use(although unsuccessfully; my last mistake was July 3rd) Maybe not, but I like to use hyperboles to make myself feel better. I probably also have an anger issue, or maybe I'm just really mad right now. Oh wait, I almost titled this on how mad I am. Perhaps I'm actually angry, for once.
ANYWAY;
So, I'm an idiot and can never actually like a guy that is actually homosexual, likes me back, and isn't in a relationship.
Well one strolled by and courted me by kinda forcing me to blurt out details about myself that matter in ways that weren't lengthy and dodgy, because that's how I normally speak. Well, at that point he wasn't in a relationship and we had ridiculously good chemistry.
Over the course of the last month, a bit changed. We became really open towards the idea of lewd activity and romantic interaction, or at least it really felt like it. He admitted to this, but I don't really know if he was lying to make me feel better about what I did.
Well, about a week and a half ago, he got a boyfriend. He was an all right guy(though a constant liar, but this IS the internet), but I was really upset. Especially when he rolls up to tell me how excited he is to be with this fox; I express my envy towards the original guy who we will now call Joe.
So, Joe and I continue talking for a bit, because we can just do that for hours and it felt SOOO good to just talk about things without worrying{I'm not a very open person, ever}. I really trusted him, and then we got in an argument over something stupid.
Well, the argument wasn't important about sexual protection{I'm a strict believer, he's a stubborn "I don't care"}, it was something we could have/probably will totally brush off or work through. {Probably the latter}
But the argument brought me an epiphany; that, pardon if this sounds conceited, I'm the other guy, and that I'm clinging to something that isn't mine.

I just told him that we need to be a bit distant and maybe avoid each other for a while, but I still feel like a total mess of muck.
I feel ridiculously envious of something I know I probably won't have, and until I posted upon here I was legitimately about to go buy some liquor, but now I rethink it I don't want to.
I think I'm just tired of being the other guy; I might just want a bit of a spotlight for a while, as attention seeking as that sounds.
I try to be a whole person without other people, because I know relationships won't fix me.
But damn they feel so good.

I feel so melodramatic and rather defensive, but sometimes I have to forget I'm 17.
I guess it's nice to occasionally be able to act like it before I have to do life.
Eheh, it was so hard to do this without cursing V~v I'm just going to fade into the background cosmic radiation again.
If you read that, I'm sorry you have to bear through my awful syntax. I was just directly transferring thought to text.