Who has the answers?

[Luke White-Heart]

As most of you may not know, my mate and I broke up today. It was a long and grueling process, which I need not go into detail here. My problem...is this. I need direction. To the point that I don't want to do something unless I get approval from someone. I prefer taking orders than doing things myself. It's easier, I guess. I don't miss anything, I'm not stepping on toes or violating rules. Unfortunately, this trait has spilled into my being. I keep looking for a sign to tell me what to do, because I don't know what I really want, and I know that I don't know what I really want. I try to stay positive, but it's so hard when you keep making excuses for yourself and get in your own way. I HATE that about myself. And that's another thing, I don't know how to just like myself. And another thing, I want a quick solution. I know there's no such thing, and I try and make myself understand that, but for some reason, it doesn't compute. My head gets so full sometimes I want to pull my ear and let it all drain out. It get so bad sometimes that I can't think straight. And I have a....well, I'm a babyfur. I want to be babied 24/7. I think because my dad killed himself when I was 3...I don't know if I've ever truly gotten over that. There's a guy I know...in South Africa who I've been talking to a lot recently. He dotes on me, and we could meet soon and he could baby me....but, someone told me (indirectly) I need to give it up. Stop fantisizing/pretending. I think the babyfur thing is...unhealthy, but how could it be? People are babyfurs and ab's and dl's and they live happy lives...why can't I do the same? I like it! I don't know why I should give it up, or how to just let go of part of myself. There's so much I don't understand...I just want a break from crises for a bit! Is that too much to ask? Apparently, yes, it is. I don't want to make these decisions! I don't want to grow up, but I do, but I don't, but I do! It's driving me nuts!!! I want to have a good life and make the right choices and not screw up my life, but I don't know what decision will make that reality. There are so many paths ahead of me, and those paths branch off into others, and those do, too! I'm paralyzed by fear. I'm trying to move forward, but I feel like I'm not doing something. Like, if I did THIS my life would start to work out. What is that thing that I'm not doing? NO ONE WILL TELL ME!!! I want to live my own life, but...can I use some lifelines? Or a hint? Or something? Because, I'm lost. So, to get to the point and actually make this fit in the advice category, my question is this...how do I change? How do I stay strong, do what needs to be done? Where are the answers? Why can't I get a hint? Why do I need a hint?


P.S. To those of you wondering why I'm not posting this in my journal, no one replies in my journal anymore. So there's that.

[Armalite_]

We all reach a point in our lives where it comes time to move on, dude.

Things change and it happens everyday. If you know that you've got choices to make to grow up and put childish things aside, there's obviously a reason for you to think that and you know it deep down. Yes, we all have our own hobbies and interests, but we cannot let them control our lives, especially if it means acting like a babyfur 24/7, there's just no way of getting anything done or moving forward with what matters best for you and your own well being.

I've ended my relationship of 4 years for reasons I couldn't even deal with. It wasn't me, it was her, but what upset me most is that she never took the blame for anything, not even once. Ever. Honestly, man, if you want to know the truth, a mate expects a level of maturity to help give back to the relationship to make it better (I don't know if this applies to your case, but it definitely did to mine) and if there isn't enough of it, things go downhill extremely fast if the weight is all on one's shoulders.

You missing your dad seems to have had a definite impact on the way you grew up. You're used to being mothered, and a father figure is what you need to help guide you with these sort of aspects of your life. My dad wasn't around much while I grew up because of his work, when he was, it wasn't a fun experience being around him because he was always angry about something. I grew up hating my dad but the values he taught me growing up were what made me the man I am today, an example of what not to become and only remember what I learned on my own through experiences growing up around him. I have my own bad habits that deteriorate my body everyday, but my personality is what it is and it's an addictive one. I know I'm not perfect and neither is anyone else, but it's not a reason not to try to make ourselves feel good about being who we are or what we're good at. We're all capable of so much yet we all expect so little that we even manage to surprise ourselves with our aspirations and achievements.

I hate putting this bluntly, but that one thing you need to do is grow up and take responsibility and take initiative to action to figure out what's best for you in the long run. What you feel and what habits you're used to will have to be put aside, and it will be difficult and disconcerting but your priorities for what matters most should always be put first, and I feel like you know this already but need that push to the first step.

Live a day at a time, take it easy, and do what you need to do. Small steps. Big change.

[anoni]

  People reply to your journal, you just have one post that doesn't have any replies, that's all, I have had 4-5 posts in a ROW when no one has replied, just remember when one of your posts doesn't get commented on it doesn't mean people have forgotten about you, if you keep posting people will keep replying

 So the concept here is responsibility and pleasure over productivity. Responsibility is good and bad, it's a double edge sword, it allows you to have more things, to be more trusted and to have a more productive life, but also makes you more vulnerable, means you are responsible if things go wrong and etc, etc. You are going to have responsibility in your life, and there's always the chance that things go wrong, and tbh, in some cases they probably will, but those things won't be that bad, you'll live through them and things will be fine. So if you want some advice, there's plenty of advice there for the taking, but advice and guidance doesn't exempt you from responsibility to take charge, advice will help you but YOU still need to do things, life's unfortunately not made to be easy, it's made so you can help people and be a productive part of society. People will help you so you can help other people, that's what's expected, otherwise a society won't function well.

  So here's some actual advice between taking responsibility, but again this is methods on how YOU can help yourself, it's not me doing it for you.

  1. Set up a goal: This is an old one but it helps when you get motivated. You need to have a goal, something to strive towards, what do you want to be? Do you want to go to university and get a degree? Do you want to work? Do you want to be more socially adept? Do you want to be more independent? You need to set yourself some goals, if you don't have goals you can't really have motivation cause what would you be doing anything for? Set up a goal, think long and hard about what YOU want to do, and set that as your goal, your goal can change from time to time but it's important to always have something to strive for.

  2. Plan: Now that you have a goal, work your way to a small goal and plan how you're going to get there. Yes, this will mean getting responsibility, but with proper planning you won't have any problems. A plan should detail with FLEXIBLE (not strict) guidelines on how you achieve your goal, a sequence of steps and how you plan to move from one step to another. Your plan should be flexible, IE: if you're unable to do one step, you might have other opportunities to complete your plan (lets say you wanted to do a degree and you planned to go into a university, but they didn't take you, a strict plan would fall apart there, but a flexible plan and flexible thinking would mean you'd come up with ways to get into that university like starting at a community college or going to a different university and doing a transfer). A plan should also account for if something goes wrong, you should have back up plans all around, never rely on one single plan cause predicting the future is hard and it's very unlikely things will work perfectly. So it's important to have back up plans in case things go awry.

  3. Comfort: It's important to step outside of your comfort zone a little bit. Lets say you wanted to volunteer, you would actually need to volunteer and take some responsibility for yourself to achieve that goal. You need to go out of your comfort zone and put yourself in a situation you may not necessarily like being in, but this will help you, if done correctly you will expand your experiences and the things that scared you most won't scare you anymore. Don't go over board of course, if you're scared of roller coasters I wouldn't go on the fastest, scariest one right away, I'd start small and gradually move up. A good way to step out of your comfort zone is if your friends, co-workers or someone you know suggests something, just say YES, even if you don't want to, you'll find you'll do a lot of cool things you'd never thought you'd do if you do that.

  These are three major tips on getting yourself to take more responsibility, again, these tips won't MAGICALLY allow you to become super productive and love responsibility and know what to do. But they're guidelines, as you say a "nudge" you need to actually DO a lot of the work though.

[Luke White-Heart]

How do I deserve such good friends.    Why does everything I do that has meaning have to be hard? Don't I deserve a break? Wait...I know I'm throwing up a wall, there. God, this is so hard!

[Friday]

Ignoring what everyone else had said because I don't have time to read:

Grow up. I don't mean this in a harsh way. I don't mean this in an insulting way. What I mean is, to live, live, in this world, you have to be able to take care of yourself. You cannot rely on anyone else. It's not until any person in your life is fully expendable to your well-being that you are in no danger of falling through the cracks.

First off, this guy in Africa. Assuming he is who you think he is (he's not), what happens if in five years he dies in a car crash? Suddenly, you have nothing. You've come to rely on someone who simply no longer exists. Like I said, he's also not who you think he is. The deviation may be minor, differences in expectations of him and reality. Or it may be major, like he may mistreat you. Regardless, the image you have of him in your mind won't be who he is in reality. In your mind, he's perfect. But all people are flawed.

Now, The main issue here is you don't know if you want to grow up. It's a scary thing to do, and there's a lot work involved, and that's never fun. So why bother? Well, if you never grow up, you're never truly safe. You're always in danger of being lost. And part of the intoxication of being a child is that other people protect you from that reality. But as you're learning, as you age and get experience, that danger is very real.

So here's the deal. You need to get yourself, somehow, into a position where you can fend for yourself. Once there, you can indulge in whatever kinds of relationships you want. So you've got that to look forward to! And you'll even be able to partake in them safely, without worries of how breakups with effect you or more tragic events like the death of a spouse.

To do so, you need to find some way of motivating yourself. This is, probably, most easily accomplished by empowering yourself. I recommend something that can show you the influence and insight you have as an individual. Art, whether it's literary or visual, can be a great place to start. Start creating, and you start realizing you can create. And that can lead you to create yourself anew.

Another technique is to give yourself an 'other.' An imaginary friend, so to speak, who tells you to do X/Y/Z things that you need to do. Everyone has different versions of this, even if they may not say so. Some people call the friend 'god' (this is not a statement on the legitimacy of religion but a statement on the approach some people take to their religion). Some people call it a to-do list. Some people call it a fursona. Some people call it a ghost of someone dear. It doesn't matter how you envision them, they just have to take the form of someone or something you'll listen to. The 'other' will tell you what to do and help you stay on track because you mentally define them to do so. It can be a big help.

Overall though, cast around for a method or methods that work for you. This is important for your well-being and your life.

[Armalite_]

How do I deserve such good friends.    Why does everything I do that has meaning have to be hard? Don't I deserve a break? Wait...I know I'm throwing up a wall, there. God, this is so hard!

It's only hard because of your attitude fooling yourself into thinking its hard. Change your perspective and strive to make things better. Find a new hobby, play sports, work out, do constructive things that make you happy and distract you from your worries. Everytime you tell yourself you can't do it or that it's "too hard" is only making it more difficult to motivate yourself to help figure out what needs to be done next to help you take control of your life and goals.


Open your mind to new ideas and experiences and try new things. You'll never know what you've been missing out on. Like I said, one day at a time.