...Not sure why I'm writing this.. Its not like I really need advice, and its going to be a pretty pathetic rant so cant really be classed as one.. Guess i just need to put everything out there.. Have no one to talk to, and bottling it all up is bad..
So, I've just moved back to my parents house in Wales to go to College in September.. I've left behind my home town and all my close friends and family in England... Thought I could cope.. But it seems it is easy to think you can cope when you're surrounded by people helping you stand up, when you leave those people you fall down.. And that is exactly what I've done.. I've been here 4 days and I'm already struggling with major depression... I was doing so much better at home!
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'You never really know what you've got 'til its gone'.. Makes perfect sense.. I took everyone for granted, but to be honest, they were the only things keeping me alive.. From my best girl who would take me to the pub whenever I was slightly down, to my best guy mate who would come find me when things got really bad..
He's the main person I'm missing.. He always gave me a reason to live, a bit of hope, and when that didnt work, he dragged me through the depression and back to normality... I have no one to do that here, and to be honest, I cant do it on my own..
I need that support, that encouragement, and that reason to live.. I said I hated my home town after a while, but I didnt... I got really down, and it was that town that pulled me through and kept me alive... What do I do without it? I'm getting really bad...
I've given up on religion.. God never answered my prayers, my mate was more of a God and loving guardian to me... And I got so desperate, I even tried to give my soul to the devil, but turns out hes just fiction too, because I'm still alive...
Every night I go to sleep just begging with anyone listening for me not to wake up in the morning.. And every morning I wake up a little sadder simply because I am still alive... I dont know what to do.. Because I'm holding on for those few people back home, because I know they care.. But if things get any worse, I dont know if I'll care enough to stay alive for them...
I need a reason to live, I need to feel important in life.. I know thats stupid, but it always has been me... If i have no purpose, then what is the point in me being alive, I'm just wasting oxygen that could be used for someone more worth while..
And yes, I am about to go to College and then onto university to train to become a Midwife.. But I can never seem to look to what good I will be in the future.. Its all about the here and now for me.. And there is nothing right now...
People constantly make me feel like shit, simply because im a burden on them.. My parents dont want me living here, my boyfriends moving away from me and doesnt seem to care, and my friends complain about having to deal with me constantly... this is the life I chose to live?? I am trying to change, but I dont know how.. I cant suddenly stop being depressed..
The doctors havent helped, I've had my depressant tablets stopped because i cant be trusted not to try and OD on them, and counsellors just pass me from one to the other, because there is too much wrong with me for one counsellor to deal with.. No one seems to want to help.. And I dont know what to do... I'm sick of asking for help, just to be turned away... The entire medical profession cant see me for who I am, and how much pain I'm in...
I like being a furry, as much as I've wanted to be a cat since i could walk and talk.. Its a nice escape.. with certain people, I can act all cute, cuddly and shy.. And they dont take that as a depressive person hiding, they take it as me being intouch with my furry side...
I dont know how to make someone, anyone realise I'm going to end up dead if I dont get the help I need.. This is killing me slowly... I dont think I'll have to physically do anything myself in the end.. I mean, I barley eat or sleep, i constantly cry, I drink or smoke lots... Surely my lifestyle is not a good one... And its all due to depression...
The thing is... There are people that make me happy... If only they cared...
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Topic: A reason to live... (Read 1109 times)