I'm writing this mainly to just vent, If anyone has any advice or comforting words I don't mind. But this is just mainly a vent.
Lately, I just feel...insignificant. I mainly come upon these feelings strongly at night when I'm in my room but quiet recently it occurs even during the evening.
When I feel these emotions I always feeling unimportant and a waste of space. That if I died no one could notice and even if they did I would be forgotten of quickly.
I'm guessing these thoughts come from my feelings of not accomplishing or finding anything worthwhile to hold on to. The past with my family, friends, and relationships don't really help me think I'm of any true worth.
I try so hard to be perfect, at least what my imagination conjures up perfection, and even though I try hard I tend to not make my goal and only settle for second best. At first I'm fine with second best but then I try again to reach my goal and once again, fall back on only what I can achieve. So I pretend in front of people that I'm happy with who and what I am. But, its just a mask. I'm always being compared to my mother and/or my sister I feel as if I'm a product of failure. Especially since during my birth I gave my mother a huge hernia that always made her look pregnant and she hated it.
My Autism didn't make my mother and fathers life easy. At times I feel that maybe I was part of the cause of my mother's death with all the stress I use to give her as a child. My "odd" actions of pretending to be an animal, having tantrums in stores, antisocial behavior, and the works couldn't of made it easier for her when she was dealing with much more than just that. I could never be perfect like Ashlee or Mark..In looks or personality. Only in school.
She always told me I was her favorite and so did my dad. If my mother loved me so much than why did she always leave me alone at home with my dad, who at the time did nothing but drugs, yell at me, and secluded me to my room. My father didn't exhibit any fatherly warmth towards me during my childhood. Only my baby-toddlers years and after my mother passed away. But he still always had enough room in his heart for his drugs. Clearly no one could step in front of his addiction, not even me.
Since his three year arrest he writes me letters from jail and at every court hearing he trys to appear or call. It brings me some comfort but fills me with anxiety. I can't forget everything he has done to me whenever he was on these drugs. He can't remember but I can never forget. & I'm too afraid to tell him. I love and hate him with all my heart, and its topped with guilt. When he gets out of jail he wants me to live with him again, since I'll be 18 by then. I don't want to and I'm afraid of when to let him know. Hes made the same mistake so many times, how will this time be a real change?
Matthew...its been almost a year with him. It'll be a full 365 days as of this upcoming Saturday. I love him, I really do. But I don't think I deserve him. After the 6th month point of our relationship I've become alot more flirtatious, sometimes taking to extremes that go way over board. I still feel feelings for an ex of mine, named Andrew. All in all in a nutshell I don't even know what the hell I'm doing.
I want Matthew in my life no matter what and I always want to be there for him. I just don't know whats going with my head and heart that I get like this. Some days I'm so loyal and kind and nice to him. Others I'm mean and I annoy him with my playful "trolling" and he tolerates it. He has alot going on his life and I doubt I'm making it better for him. Three jobs and living back at his dad he must always fight to make time for me for our once a week visits on Saturday.
He always tells me he loves me and wants me as his wife. I want to be and him my husband. But I feel that I'm doing all the wrong things.
He rarely gets to see his friends and when he does I become jealous. Who am I to be jealous when he is just having fun? But I just feel this way. and I hate it. Not to mention that Andrew isn't making anything easy. One minute Andrew is loving and caring and utterly sweet to me, which gravitates me towards him. Others, he forgets about me. Not on purpose but he tends to. As if I'm not as important to him as he states. My heart and mind are stuck at a fork in the road.
Its as if my life is coming to a point where I don't even know where the hell I'm going and how I'll end up, if I end up anywhere.
What makes me most nervous is all these doctor visits I've been having to go to lately. I'm not pregnant, and my menstrual hasn't come since August '09. Doctors say it could be many things and I've been taking and doing tests non stop. The past week I've already had 9 tubes of blood taken from me.
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Topic: Venti. (Read 281 times)