Okay, it's a great idea, and I love the idea of it being an all-in-one that raises the dead, but the actual execution wasnt great. Here's the notes I made while reading it:
I get confused by some of these sentences:
Shreddy never had a particular taste for fish, but he'd been in a sour mood for days.
what does a sour mood have to do with fish?
promise-shaped
What's the shape of a promise?
Yes, the Red-Haired Woman forced him into it
how did she force him? I'm completely lost
a broken All-in-One
all-in-one what? I got confused until i carried on reading the rest. I shouldn't be getting confused.
also, I'm pretty sure this isn't how cats think.
panting like a puppy
what? why? I mean, I've seen cats pant like puppies and they don't do it from getting temporarily blinded.
Had the All-in-One resurrected the goldfish?
no need for this, we can already see that for ourselves.
an instant, he saw through the goldfish's eyes.
dont just tell it, show it. Show us what he sees. in fact, the show don't tell rule really should be more adhered to. It's all very "and then he did this, and it felt strange, so then he did this, and it felt strange"
How terrible to die as a fish!
what's the difference between dying as a fish than dying as a cat?
have a mind of its own!
That exclamation point feels reeeaally out of place
Shreddy watched intently with his own cat eyes as his Orchidbane body squeezed through one of the holes in the chicken wire. Nose twitching, Orchidbane skittered across the windowsill and up to the first orchid pot. With a little leap, he landed in the moist potting soil. He sunk his claws into the base of the lush orchid stem (Shreddy gave a sigh of contentment) and stared up the length of the flower. Orchids were trees to him.
you said orchid five times in five sentences. too much orchid orchid orchid. Use other words and descriptions.
catly
That's not a word. Use Feline
She had bought a catnip plant to replace her orchids
why did she do that?
Like I said before, It's a good story and the ideas are great... just not the execution.
Topic: The Necromouser (Read 1197 times)