-The 3rd Colony- A struggle for Truth- Kitt's growing novel ^^

[x]

A great continuation. You have just the right amount of detail and interest. Not too little...not too much. While I personally would put more detail to make it a more vivid reading, that's just me. For your genre--- it is fine the way it is.

Right now there's not enough for me to do one of my big plot/character run-downs, but I can again try to help with technicality. It seems as though you like to stick with one sentence type, and one sentence type for the most part. I do this too, as you will tell from reading my story I sent you. I just wanted to describe this problem for you in detail. Don't fret too much over what I'm saying.

 

Clattering footsteps interrupted Jareth’s inner monologue, and he passed two fair-haired Trade-assistants who walked by without a backward glance. They were talking animatedly, one of them pointing to something on his thin data-pad, and the other nodding in agreement. Ignoring them in return, Jareth re-traced a route he had taken many times, finally reaching a door set flush with the corridor wall.

I'll use this paragraph as an example of your sentence variety issue. In all three of these, and in the entire section all together, you have the same exact set up going on: character/object does something (insert comma) then character/object does something in return to that (optional insert comma and continue with details or more character action). There are not many sentences just with description or just with thought or just with detailed action or even with an unusal sentence format to add interest or a PANG of realization, etc. They all just seem to have that same set up. In brief. Sentence variety is a great thing in this world.

[KittKat chunky~]

Could you pwease give an example of another kind of sentence structure/type i could use?

 I try my hardest but you are right, it could use more variation like you said, but its only recently ive started to develop my writing skills... And some advice on other sentence types that work well to add variation would help a lot 

Post Merge: July 09, 2010, 09:02:23 PMOh, and i might as well add this... i'l attach an image of what the page looks like in the word doc again.. i dunno why, but i enjoy putting in the occasional bit like this 
 

[attachment deleted by admin]

[x]

Hmmm....I have to log off now, but I am currently working on a writing guide to post here, and what you need may just be in there. I might even post an extra article on that subject in it....Im really sorry that I have to leave or I would help out a lot more!  :'(

[KittKat chunky~]

Dont worry about it... And a writing guide would be cool 

Anyhoo *goes back to editing, re-editing, writing and re-writing*

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

What I do to avoid repetetive sentence structure is to look at the number of commas in a sentence. If there tends to be the same amount all the time, I switch things up. A new comma tends to indicate a new clause... I don't know how effective this is though.

[KittKat chunky~]

Well i'l try and be more varied with my sentences if i can... anyhow... next section i guess:

-“Julie Kallithea... I requested those dealership reviews over ten minutes ago. Your overseer alleged you are normally a very capable Trade-Advisor. Usually I am a very tolerant man, but you and you’re Merchant-caste nonsense, are testing my patience!”-

Sighing, Julie adjusted her wireless headset into a more comfortable position. She leant across the steel desk, and picked up her data-pad “Colonel Lupez, I am a civilian Trade-advisor. Your department is involved with the Military-caste, and so unfortunately I lack the necessary rank to retrieve, and evaluate the information you require...” On the other end of the line, it sounded like someone was grinding two blocks of granite together. Colonel Lupez had the irksome habit of gnashing his teeth, when particularly angry. As the static-amplified noise continued, Julie looked up around the air-conditioned office, in a brief attempt to compose herself. The walls where covered in off-white matte panels, and a long screen set into one of them displayed continually changing trade-market statistics.

The sound finally abated when, as Julie could only assume, the Colonel had lit up a cigar to settle his fraught nerves. -“Look... Kalli’, I am not someone who wants to hear pathetic excuses”-

Julie sighed yet again, looking down at her data-pad “The best I can do is hand your case over to a Trade-attendant in the Military revenue office... The request may take several more hours to be analysed, but it will be much superior to anything we could do here...”

Lupez snarled. That did not, it seemed, constitute as satisfactory. –“You Merchant-Caste imbeciles, have had me running around in circles through your departments, for hours now!”- He took a brief breath, before rampaging onwards –“Surely, when I ask for the assistance of a qualified Trade-advisor, that is what I should receive? Not some blundering, inept... Woman... Who can’t even retrieve the necessary files from her network!”-  As Julie tried desperately to retort over the Colonel’s shouting, the office door slid open, and then closed again. Julie looked vaguely up at the newcomer, and gave a shriek of surprise. Her data-pad slipped off the desk, and clattered loudly onto the steel floor.

“Jareth! What the-? Oh, nothing Colonel... A colleague of mine requires immediate assistance; I shall file your request through to the Military Revenue office sir, Good day now.” The explosive bellows of the Colonel where suddenly cut-off, as Julie hung up. She looked sternly at Jareth, glaring in peeved annoyance. “I thought you said we weren’t to meet during work hours, Jareth.”

Kneeling down to pick up her data-pad, Jareth smirked childishly. “I thought this would add to our... secrecy. Besides, I’m just here to deliver these inter-caste memos, routine stuff.” He handed over a sheaf of print-out papers; taking them briskly, Julie skimmed over them.

“These aren’t necessary until tomorrow Jareth, why would you deliver them today?” Looking back up, she was met by a teasing Kiss, as Jareth handed the data-pad to her.
 
“Jareth!” She pushed him away, eyes darting to the closed door behind him, and the reception beyond. “Not during work hours... shoo!” She stood up from behind her desk, and gave him a slight push towards the exit. He turned to leave, about to open the door, when he was dragged back by the shoulder. Julie pulled him in a tentative embrace, trying to avoid the worst oil-stains “Just... Don’t surprise me like that again, especially not in my office. If the overseer had walked in on us” She let go and sighed, tucking away the strands of her hair that were not plaited “You where right, of course.  We need to be more careful.”


Its a long section... so sorry for the big-block-'o'-text .... but i felt this bit has to be read as a whole rather than broken down too small.... comments, criticism, help and just general reading of my creation are very welcome as always! 

Oh, and hope you enjoyed another of Jareth's and his now named 'friend's secret meetings   

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

This was good, very character-centric, with nice little details. It's certainly one of my favourite parts so far... not that it went by without fault.

I wasn't keen on the "Woman" comment. It seemed like a bit of a cheap shot to make people not like the colonel But then that's just how I see. A million others would see nothing wrong with using blatant, undisguised chauvanism to indicate an unlikable character. I just think that normally people aren't so obvious about their prejudice.

Also, there were some other bits:

Colonel Lupez had the irksome habit of gnashing his teeth, when particularly angry.

No need for "when particularly angry." it works great as it is, without the clarifier.

As the static-amplified noise continued

I'm guessing you're talking about the teeth? If so, there's no need for this.

Julie could only assume, the Colonel had lit up a cigar to settle his fraught nerves

Why would she assume this? can she hear him smoking? if so, then say so.

But yeah, those are the main ones. either way, I really liked this.

[KittKat chunky~]

Im glad you liked it, i enjoyed writing this part very much 


As for the "woman" comment, i can remove it... i just added it in as an afterthought...  Anyhoo, time to work on the little problems...

And again, thank ye for taking the time to read, and im glad you enjoyed it 

[KittKat chunky~]

Right-o! I havnt managed much writing recently (too much re-painting of doorways and paintballing!  )  But, fair is fair, and i shall show all you guys an' gals the next part to the story...

It seems your catching up, soon i'l have to put this thread on pause to give me time to write more! Until then, back to re-editing and writing 



Weaving between the jostling crowds of workers and Drones, Tanaka Chenova continued to wipe the greasy stains from her hands. Turning into a smaller and much less crowded corridor, she stopped beside an open doorway, above which a grimy sign read -“Regime Information booth no.48”-

As she walked in, the single fluorescent light strip overhead buzzed erratically, before finally bursting into light. The room was only large enough for a single person to stand in, due to one whole wall being taken up by a tall drone. The machine reached from floor to ceiling, and a large touch screen sat at shoulder height in its centre. It too flickered on, and displayed a welcoming message, along with a tinny melodic tone. 

---Good Day Citizen, How may I be of service? ---

A long list of information subjects scrolled up the screen, which when clicked on, opened up into another inventory of sub-topics. All documents stored in the Drones had to be written by Regime-certified writers, and were updated on a semi-regular basis. Tanaka spent several moments searching, before finding what she had been looking for. The machine hummed, and the suitable text file opened:

---Regime Information Drone, Query: ---

---Military Caste Drones, Colony 2 Defence force---

The Military Caste is a collective group, tasked with ensuring the safety of all Colonial residents. Very few caste members actually participate in surface guard duties, due to the hostile conditions of Colony 2. Instead, vast numbers of co-ordinated Drone systems are used to run automated patrols, across the planet’s surface.

Each individual Mining City is assigned its own defence force of around twenty thousand automatons, comprising a mixture of MarkII Tank Drones and other, less common military variants. The mining cities are all responsible for the maintenance of their individual defence systems. A larger planetary defence force is maintained collectively by all cities, which is used to patrol the off-limits northern hemisphere.

The Drones suffer heavy damage while on active patrol, and thus are rotated back into repair slots regularly. The damage is mainly caused by treacherous dust storms, but also from minor asteroid fragments as well as simulated combat between city defence systems. Without the Military Caste Drones, as well as the men and women who constantly keep them repaired, Colony 2 would not be the secure and powerful authority it is today.

---Link to information file: Colony 2, and Colonial city Ruszáyev ---

---Link to information file: The almighty Regime---

---Link to information file: Colony 1---





Although not entirely satisfied with the explanation, Tanaka turned to walk out of the cubicle. She stopped abruptly; the very last link on the screen had caught her attention. A puzzled frown crept across her brow, as she leant close to the flickering letters. “Colony one?” She muttered under her breath, that couldn’t be right. She had been through information Drones before, on various occasions, and never had there been mention of another colony.

In fact, from all her recent years of Regime-certified education, Tanaka couldn’t remember anything about an original planet. Although during her tutoring, she hadn’t really learnt much at all. The engineer in the teaching cubicle beside her, had proven to be ample... distraction.

Tanaka leant out of the cubicle, and glanced briefly down the steel corridor beyond. For once it was silent and empty, beside the hum of cooling vents, and buzz of fluorescent lights. Everyone was at their appointed work shifts by now, and only the occasional clatter of footsteps echoed through the corridors.  She ducked quickly back in, and turned to the screen again; the flickering words were still there.

Licking her lips, Tanaka spoke softly under her breath “O-kay... Let’s see what we got here.” She tapped hesitantly on the link, and waited. The machine whirred, and the beginnings of a text file scrolled up the screen.



---Regime Information Drone, Query: ---

---Colony 1---

To this day, the Regime continues to ensure that...

The screen flickered suddenly, hazy static blurring the words into disarray. Tanaka took a rapid step back, as the Drone whirred again, this time high-pitched and buzzing. The screen flickered, as a message flashed vividly across it:

---Critical System Error, Unauthorised Data Access---

The screen whined even louder, static reaching a soaring crescendo.  Suddenly it died entirely, along with the only light in the cubicle ceiling. Outside, the sharp -plink- of fluorescent lights going out, echoed through the swiftly darkening corridor.

Tanaka stood trembling, as suffocating darkness pressed in. Instinctively she did the one thing she could; shout... “Fracking hell... Somebody... Help!” Frozen panic coursed through her mind, as she reached blindly towards the door. Amidst the confusion she stumbled, and the side of her head struck cold steel with a sickening crack.


O-kay... another rather long section... but i think it has to be read as a whole... mistakes and errors still loiter around in my writing, so any help in weeding them out would be great!     Well, hope you enjoy...

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

Personally I didn't find any grammatical or spelling errors or any of that technical stuff, but i  did have a problem with the ideas you're throwing in.

“Colony one?” She muttered under her breath, that couldn’t be right. She had been through information Drones before, on various occasions, and never had there been mention of another colony.

Colony 1? shouldn't people expect there to be a colony 1? i mean... if there's a colony 2 then it's just common sense that there's a colony 1, right?

The screen whined even louder, static reaching a soaring crescendo.  Suddenly it died entirely, along with the only light in the cubicle ceiling. Outside, the sharp -plink- of fluorescent lights going out, echoed through the swiftly darkening corridor.

Tanaka stood trembling, as suffocating darkness pressed in. Instinctively she did the one thing she could; shout... “Fracking hell... Somebody... Help!” Frozen panic coursed through her mind, as she reached blindly towards the door. Amidst the confusion she stumbled, and the side of her head struck cold steel with a sickening crack.

I don't get it, what just happened? I mean, there's no need for the electrics to die just because someone accessed an unauthorised file. That's highly inefficient security.  Lock the computer down, yes, but don't break the lights as well. If she's been captured by the  regime, then send an electric charge through the walls or the computer. Or just put security drones outside the booth.


I like the progression that things are going in. The movement is good. it works. Let's see where it goes.

[KittKat chunky~]

Colony 1? shouldn't people expect there to be a colony 1? i mean... if there's a colony 2 then it's just common sense that there's a colony 1, right?

and

I don't get it, what just happened? I mean, there's no need for the electrics to die just because someone accessed an unauthorised file. That's highly inefficient security.  Lock the computer down, yes, but don't break the lights as well. If she's been captured by the  regime, then send an electric charge through the walls or the computer. Or just put security drones outside the booth.

both will be explained very soon... This was a part where i could see problems arising, and may have to change it later on so that it makes more sense... But both those points will be explained through events soon to happen... i hope 


And thanks, im glad the movement works... trying to keep a sense of mystery or drama and movement, without rushing the story, and without dragging events on forever, is very hard i find... but yeah... this is a very work-in-progress section, and may need re-writing in certain aspects later on to make more sense perhaps...

[KittKat chunky~]

Another chapter boys n' girls!    Finally got round to bothering to post it...

Chapter 3: Overturned Stones

Jareth stood silently, watching the flickering numbers scroll past as the elevator plunged into the depths of Ruszáyev. Rather close beside him, stood a young Merchant-caste trader. The boy, for he barely looked sixteen, was fidgeting restlessly. Tapping his foot on the steel floor, he constantly glanced up at the flickering display, as the elevator continued on its humming drop.

Jareth turned slightly, to take a proper look at him. His uniform was similar to the kind Julie wore, though lacking the elegant blue-trim, and his dark hair had been cut brutally short. Thin beads of perspiration ran down his forehead, as he held tightly to a sheaf of papers.

 “First day on the job, kid?” The abrupt question startled the trader, causing him to promptly drop the papers he had been holding. Not being un-kind person, Jareth stooped down to help gather the sheets up. After several moments of scrambling around their knees and cursing, the last fluttering page was snatched up by the trader. Standing back up, and handing over the papers he had caught, Jareth grimaced apologetically. The humming of the lift suddenly stopped, and a cheerfully tinny voice chimed in.

“Welcome to Engineer bay #32, level minus -6000 of the upper sector. Have a productive day, citizens...” The door slid open with a hiss, and the trader stepped out hurriedly, leaving Jareth alone in the elevator. He sighed, watching the youngster start to hesitantly walk left, towards the canteens.

 “Citizen Jareth, could you please vacate the elevator... The Regime is sure you have great work to attend to!” The elevator had chimed in again; Jareth could have sworn they were overly optimistic on purpose. He sighed and stepped out into the empty corridor beyond, just in time to see the trader walking away, now in the completely opposite direction. He was muttering under his breath, glancing at the sprawling maps of the lower sector.

Jareth couldn’t help but smile in amusement, as he muttered to himself “We’ve all been there... The Kid’s gonna be fine.” He stopped abruptly, looking down. A single sheet of paper lay alone on the cold steel floor. He looked back up, but the trader had already disappeared. Running a hand through his still tangled hair, Jareth groaned under his breath “Bugger it, stupid conscience.” With that he snatched the paper up, and started to run.




Oookay... yeah, start to another chapter.... tell me what you think...  Also, attached another screenshot of the word.doc version for anyone who is interested... again, these images/decoration stuff i do purely for fun, and cos i enjoy graphic design type work     Also, main reason why its been a while between this and the last update, is because i needed time to write more  



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[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

I've got to be honest with you, I didn't like this bit. Not because of any technical issue or stylistic choice... just that kid. I don't like that kid. He's a bit of a raging cliché.
He gets startled by someone saying hello
He drops his schoolbooks... or in this case, papers... and someone more confident and socially capable helps him pick them up.
He even does the whole exit right and then seconds later exits left thing. It's an old joke that still can be done well, but it's particularly difficult in prose.
I know these are things that many people do in real life (except dropping stuff when someone says Hi. I've never seen anyone actually do that,) but it's like a scene out of a stereotypical high school sitcom, or perhaps the weak and pathetic protagonist of some stereotypical anime. I don't like this kid.

Maybe I'm judging him way too early though. I mean, he's only just been introduced. I don't know what will happen next with him... but that said, first impressions are painfully important.

As for the regular issues and mistakes that aren't major but are useful to know about, here are my notes:

The boy, for he barely looked sixteen, was fidgeting restlessly. Tapping his foot on the steel floor

That should be one sentence

he constantly glanced up at the flickering display

You already said it was flickering before.

After several moments of scrambling around their knees and cursing

Sounds like they're both cursing, when really it should just be the boy.

Standing back up, and handing over the papers he had caught, Jareth grimaced apologetically

You can totally write that in a more fluid manner.

Jareth grimaced an apology, and stood up, handing the papers back.

The humming of the lift suddenly stopped

Well it didn't suddenly stop. It stopped as intended. Suddenly sounds like a surprise stop.

level minus -6000

level minus minus 6000?

Jareth could have sworn they were overly optimistic on purpose

Well obviously.



Anyway, work hard and please please please try to avoid a cliché

[KittKat chunky~]

Its funny how all you sometimes need is for someone else to take a look at your work, and point out the problems... Now that youve explained it to me, i really do see what a big cliché it is..... Methinks this section needs a re-write 


Oh also:

level minus minus 6000?

Yeah... The entire city is underground (or at least mos of it is)... I should have posted it earlier, but it totally slipped my mind 


Remember where i had that section shoved in the middle of a chapter? Well i decided that it did indeed stick out like a sore thumb, and so tried to re-write it just so that at least it wasnt so bad:



Footsteps reverberating on the steel flooring, he weaved between workers, quickly catching up with his group of engineers. The rearmost two greeted him with a friendly “Good morning, Chief” as they walked through a pair of steel bulkhead doors.

Ruszáyev was Jareth’s birth place, and assumedly, it would be his death place too. The colossal structure stretched down into stone and earth like a vast, upside-down steel pyramid.  Its tiered levels incorporating munitions and supply factories, as well as miles wide Engineer-bays.  <-- The Re-written part

The bay which Jareth was supervising at present did not repair mining machinery; but instead had the privileged job of repairing drones used by the military caste. These where the automated defence force of the Regime, and had to be constantly renovated to ensure the safety of the Colony. The engineering deck was unfeasibly vast, full of constant buzzing, shriek of twisted metal and cascades of sparks. Immense fluorescent light strips hummed overhead, set into the cavernous ceiling.


I'm not sure if that is any better, and i am probably going to go back and try to re-write it again... but i feel it is at least marginally better than having the big block of information shoved in... This was the reader gets some background information, without it slowing the story up... hopefully 

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

Sprinkling exposition over a wide area is a good idea, but that particular point is very... odd. The first paragraph is rather close up and personal, and then suddenly jumps to the idea of a massive city, and then suddenly jumps right back to the personal again. It's a bit jarring. Like a splinter on a smooth piece of wood.