-The 3rd Colony- A struggle for Truth- Kitt's growing novel ^^

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

I already said how I feel about the Drone query thing stuck in the middle of a paragraph, so i won't repeat myself on that.

but it seems no matter how many times i read over it... both  out-loud and not, i seem to always miss some mistakes like that

which is why I shall point some out for you

The Drones are the only citizens able to consistently work on the surface of the planet

Then why do the drones tell the citizens what the temperature is up there, the humans will rarely or even never see it?

set atop the hull twin kinetic cannons leered threateningly

They're cannons. you don't need to say that they are threatening.

Jareth Snapped irritably

Don't say that he's irritated, show it.In fact, saying that he snapped is more than enough. Though some authors would say that modifiers like "snapped" patch up bad dialogue, as in the dialogue should show through the emotions of the words that he's snapping at someone.

ANYWAY, I'm looking forward to reading past what happens after this. It should be fun

[KittKat chunky~]

 

My word count for this story has now reached 4,600-ish ....... *looks at previous short story attempts* ... thats more than ive ever written on one story 


Anyway... thanks again for the help.... And i understand about having that drone query bit stuck in-between there.... i'm hoping that once ive written some more, i can go back and find a better place for it / re-write....  Anyhow... new stuff     .... these sections are new ones, and ones that will have large numbers of mistakes in them... but here we go anyway....

Chapter 2: ‘Secrets and Lies’

The store room door closed quietly, as Jareth twisted the circular handle counter-clockwise. The bulky doorway itself was plastered with signs, warnings of ‘Hazardous explosives!’, and ‘Only authorised entrance!’  He swiped his wrist across a flickering red panel on the door, there was a faint beep, followed by a loud click as the entrance locked. 

The humming fluorescent light strips where already lit, as he turned to face the serried rows of ammunition and supply crates. Smiling gratefully, Jareth was greeted by the fair skinned Trade-advisor waiting for him. As always during working hours; she wore a close fitting white uniform, trimmed with the rich blue colour of the Merchant caste. Her immaculate clothing was so at odds, with his oil-stained overalls.  And just as every time they met, he studied her fine features carefully; longingly.
 
Swiftly he embraced her; running his callused fingers through her plaited hazel hair, he breathed in her familiar sweet fragrance.  But then he scowled suddenly, and pulled back to look intently into her russet eyes “I said we shouldn’t meet during my shifts... We could get caught one of these days.” She batted away his concerns with a single motion, tucking her unfastened hair behind her ears and smiling gleefully. Jareth cherished it when she did that. “Look... No matter where or when you meet me, we could still get caught. The caste system ensures that, so I see this little meeting simply as an addition to our, secrecy.” Leaning around him, she looked to the large steel door “And you’re quite sure it’s locked this time?”

Jareth nodded, not once taking his eyes from the pale nape of her neck... She laughed softly again, a noise that cleared away Jareth’s worries, like the winds of Colony 2 over its dusty surface. She leant close, holding him tightly “Well then, I say they won’t be missing you on your shift for at least fifteen minutes. And my dealership conference can wait, for you...”


I'm still posting in short sections intentionally... it helps me focus more on each section bit-by-bit... and im sure it makes it easier to read for you guys too    .....
Also, about the drone still telling Jareth what the temperature is outside.... You'l find throughout the story that much, if not all, of the City's technology/machinery is severely outdated and hasnt been updated for a very long time.... That morning message is one that was used when the Colony was first set up, and when workers would often be much closer to the surface, sometimes even having to work outside in protective suits... hopefully this will get explained more later on....

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

I liked this. It was good, it felt close and confined, and certainly intimate. It works well, though I don't get why the merchant caste have tight fitting clothes. But that's a personal gripe.

ANYWAY! on to the nitty gritty problems.

as Jareth twisted the circular handle counter-clockwise

irrelevant details.

The humming fluorescent light strips where already lit

Most people expect lights to be lit. There's no need to say that they are lit.

Smiling gratefully, Jareth was greeted by the fair skinned Trade-advisor waiting for him

no need for gratefully. We alrady get that he wanted her to be there.

And just as every time they met, he studied her fine features carefully; longingly

no need for longingly. we already get that from carefully.

Swiftly he embraced her

No need for swiftly, the speed of the action comes from the abruptness of the sentence.

“I said we shouldn’t meet during my shifts... We could get caught one of these days.” She batted away his concerns with a single motion, tucking her unfastened hair behind her ears and smiling gleefully. Jareth cherished it when she did that. “Look... No matter where or when you meet me, we could still get caught.

New speaker = new line

The caste system ensures that

No real reason to say that. both from a plot and background angle and from a dialogue angle. we know there's a caste system, we assume they can't meet because of it. They know there's a caste system, they know they cant meet because of it. No point stating the obvious.

cleared away Jareth’s worries, like the winds of Colony 2 over its dusty surface.

Nobody in that room knows what the winds of colony 2 are like. Certainly not Jareth anyway.


Anyway, yeah that was good, I liked that.

[KittKat chunky~]

I'm glad you liked it. I wrote it because of your suggestion that i should include more detail about their relationship, and how it is secretive, from the first write-up of this story 

And i'm trying to make sure that i keep a new line for each speaker... i'm not sure why i keep forgetting to do that 

Anyway.... I'm home for today, no school, rather horrible weather... time for some writing 

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

Good kitty, *Strokes Kitt*

[KittKat chunky~]

*Purrs* yay, strokings  

Anyway.... the next section in this chapter... again, keeping them short... and again its all still work in progress as always:




Back in the Cavernous Service-Bay, Technical-Engineer Tanaka leaned over the optic-sensor of a particularly damaged Tank-Drone. Its red ‘eye’ lens was cracked, and the surrounding steel was pitted with deep scratches. The machine bore obvious signs of metal-stress, so much so that as she shifted her weight, an armoured panel groaned in protest. Tanaka paused to shout instructions to another engineer, fighting to be heard over the buzz of a nearby fusion torch.

Shaking her head, she pulled out the Lens and its accompanied wiring, with a firm twist. Tanaka talked to herself, as she often did while working, while jumping down from the dilapidated drone “God Knows how they get so beat’ up... This Tread-Head looks like it’s been in a fracking war zone!” She landed lightly on the steel flooring, laughing. Her grin petered out however, as a tall and straight backed figure frowned down at her. The clean-shaven Regime-office looked sternly from her, to the Drone, his dark red uniform accompanied by a slim pistol. A weapon he had the right to use on mere trouble-makers, and dangerous revolutionists alike.

“It is not your place to question... Knowledge culminates from work. Be productive, diligent, and the Regime shall reward you... A Technical-Engineer is a fine position for someone of your age, better not to risk demotion through unnecessary trouble” He paused, leaning closer to read the Identity clasp on her lapel “Miss Tanaka Chenova.”

With that the officer walked on, eyes roving slowly over the workers. Watching him go, Tanaka frowned and slowly turned back to the busted automaton. She scanned over her own personal data-pad; this drone had been in service now since before she was born. It had all its parts replaced so many times; that barely an inch of it was part of the original machine. Kneeling down she looked underneath it, rusty oil dripped onto the conveyor belt below as she drew an inward, whistling breath.

It was true though, and strangely she had never thought about it before. How did the drones get so badly damaged, when the Colony was seemingly never under any actual attack? Weathering from dust storms couldn’t be the sole cause of the damage they were ordered to repair, day after day. She frowned, tapping her foot impatiently. Questions where not normally encouraged, but this was something that had been niggling away for a long time now.

Coming to a conclusion, Tanaka sighed, and pulled a long red and white striped sticker from her belt. She climbed onto the conveyor belt beside the drone, and slapped it firmly across the dented hull:

---Unserviceable Crap---





Across the vast engineer bay, a storeroom entrance swung open, and a brief blur of white went unnoticed by workers nearby. Jareth followed suite, at a much slower pace, and closed the door behind him. She was already walking hurriedly towards the express elevators, talking into her wireless headset. She had received an interrupting call from her overseer, and an ‘urgent problem in the trade office’ had warranted her immediate attention. Jareth watched her auburn hair, in its tight plait, bobbing so energetically behind her as she walked. He sighed, turning to face the mass of steel and cascading sparks, and muttered bitterly under his breath...

 “Back to work Jareth...”



Okay... so while Jareth and his love affair remain the main character/s in the story... i decided this engineer will be a secondary character... she will play an integrall part to the plot later on  
Also i'm expecting there to be mistakes here, or parts that could do with being cleared up better... more of this character, and the others, will come soon... Anyway, hope you enjoy!  

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

I like this, it's a good spread of the small and the large. Massive problems and ideas, mixed with human stories. That's what every tale needs.

I picked out a few problems, but nothing to go crazy about. It's simple stuff. I'll probably pick out more in a later version of this, but as it is now, it's pretty good.

Its red ‘eye’ lens was cracked

that doesn't really work for me... I would put

the lens of its red 'eye'

Tanaka talked to herself, as she often did while working, while jumping down from the dilapidated drone

Two "while"s is not good. you could say

Tanak talked to herself, as she often did while working, and jumped down from the dilapidated drone

strangely she had never thought about it before.

but then how could this issue have been

something that had been niggling away for a long time now.

Good work Kitty Katt

[KittKat chunky~]

Thanks Asia, hopefully its a good sign that there arent any major problems with it  

Anyhow, next section coming up as soon as i finish checking it over    



----

Okay... next section  

The end to another long work shift was signalled by two claxon blasts, which resonated throughout the engineer bay. Everywhere, tools where set down, and the vast crowd of Engineers surged towards the bulkhead doors. Jareth sighed, and slipped his data-pad into the large pouch on his belt. He stayed at his post beside a work-bench, watching as weary workers left the Repair bay. Shifts in the city where carefully correlated, so that no assembly or repair line was ever truly shut down. Work continued day in and day out, so sure enough, new teams of engineers where marching in through the bay entrances.

“Evening Chief Jareth...” A wiry man walked past, nodding to Jareth and clapping a passing Engineer on the back. The engineer returned the gesture, nodding to Jareth also.

Jareth nodded in return to both of them and yawned widely, despite his best attempts to hold it in. He addressed the first of the two, with polite familiarity “Another night shift, Chief Terrill?”

The man shrugged half-heartedly, flicking through several memos on his data-pad... “For us, this is practically the daytime!” Jareth laughed wearily in return, an expression mostly of sympathy, as he started to walk away. But instead of following the main stream of Engineers, he turned left towards the express elevators.

Stopping outside the door of elevator #A38, Jareth swiped his wrist across the red panel set into the steel. Every citizen of the colony had an identity-chip placed under their skin from birth, which monitored their rank in the Regime. Some elevators or doors, such as this one, required a higher level of authority to be used or opened. Waiting patiently for the machine to process the information, Jareth noticed Engineer Tanaka, also walking apart from the main crowds. Most Engineers would be making their way to the mess hall, perhaps to play a game of Red-diamond cards, and wind down before heading off for bunk-time. It seemed he was not the only one with other intentions. “Tanaka! Where you headed?”

She stopped momentarily beside him, wiping the oil off her hands with a cloth distractedly. “Oh, I just... Just got some paperwork to finish off, Chief... You?”

Jareth nodded approvingly, motioning a thumb towards the elevator that he was still waiting for “Just going up to deliver some memos, at one of the Merchant-Trade Offices... Routine stuff...”

Tanaka smiled, giving him the conspiratorial wink again “Ah, right you are sir.” And with that she carried on down the corridor, against the flow of other people. Jareth watched her disappear from sight around the corner, as the elevator door opened with a hiss.

The express elevator was much smaller than the maintenance lifts, and the steel surfaces still had their chrome finish. Tapping the touch screen beside the door, Jareth quickly found level -860 in the upper sector. Merchant-Caste workers were mostly higher ranking than engineers; and so many worked much further up, in the vast-tiered city.

The lift set off with a low hum, speeding up as the numbers on the display flashed backwards, running from level -6000 and counting. Jareth himself had only been at the planetary surface once in his lifetime. He had been sent up to repair a vital air conduit, and a brief glimpse was all he saw, through a pane of storm-proof Perspex. All he had seen on that day was howling wind, and constant swirling dust that obscured everything; a bleak landscape and nothing more. Drumming his fingers against his belt, Jareth waited as the elevator rose up out of the city’s depths.



Okies.... thats it for the next section... not particularly exciting, but its leading up to bigger stuff    help/comments appreciated as always...

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

You know what, you're either really very good at first drafts, or I'm getting rather lax in my criticism, or maybe I'm just tired. Normally problems jump out at me, screaming to be pointed out, named and shamed.

I've only found two major problems here. Everything else is great for a first draft. My only wonder is whether or not your redrafting skills are up to making something really truly great. But we'll get to that hurdle when it really matters. As for right now, here's what I found.

work-bench, watching as weary workers

Do you really want that alliteration?

“Evening Chief Jareth...”

That doesn't sound natural to me. Just "Evening Jareth," sounds better in my opinion, since they're both of equal rank.

[KittKat chunky~]

or maybe I'm just tired

Im guessing the latter 


And as for the two problems... that alliteration was indeed a mistake... too many wubbleyus

And yes, seeing as they're equal rank he wouldn't really say Chief...


But as for my redrafting skills, and making something truly great? I havnt a clue    this is the first story I've actually written that has gotten this far, so i have no idea if i can do that... but as you said, we'll see about that when the time comes 

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

Well be sure to keep working on this. its' good stuff.

[KittKat chunky~]

Very encouraging words    Thank ye

Post Merge: July 08, 2010, 09:00:25 PMOookay... next section... im guessing many problems with this one...

After what seemed an age, the lift’s humming lessened, and a flat-toned voice chimed in. “Welcome to the Merchant Trade Offices, level minus 860 of the upper sector. Have a nice day, citizen Jareth...”

The doors opened with a soft hiss, and Jareth stepped out into the bright passageway.  It was wider than the lower sector corridors; the air was cool and refreshing after the confined elevator. All the surfaces where still brushed steel, but here the chrome finish glistened below the silent light strips. Turning right, he followed his mental map of the Merchant Offices, from the brief visits to the upper sector.  While he knew every turn and alcove of the engineering levels, up here was like a journey into a marsh, never quite sure if your foot would suddenly sink into what you thought was solid ground. Jareth turned right again, passing a sleek-bodied service drone, which whirred and continued to clean the steel wall-panels. Obviously it was only a saying he had heard, for having been born in Ruszáyev, swamps weren’t really in high supply below ground. 

Clattering footsteps interrupted Jareth’s inner monologue, and he passed two fair-haired Trade-assistants who walked by without a backward glance. They were talking animatedly, one of them pointing to something on his thin data-pad, and the other nodding in agreement. Ignoring them in return, Jareth re-traced a route he had taken many times, finally reaching a door set flush with the corridor wall.

‘Merchant Trade Office #339 – Resource and Dealership Management’

Holding his wrist over the flickering red panel, Jareth waited a moment as it flashed once in confirmation. The door slid open onto a long reception room, lit by the same soft light panels. Behind the desk facing the doorway, a Grey-haired overseer looked up briefly, her red uniform immaculate. She gave Jareth a momentary frown, before looking back down at the data-slate she was working at. Immediately behind the desk where a dozen steel doors; each leading to separate offices, Jareth walked past the overseer to the leftmost entrance. Opening it with a sweep of the wrist, he stepped quietly in.

So yeah... help / criticisms welcome...

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

I like it. It's got lots of style. A real vision there. A few more rich and vivid descriptions would help, but as it is, it's pretty good... but yeah there's a lot more errors than before

Jareth...”

The doors opened with a soft hiss, and Jareth

You said Jareth twice very close to eachother. It doesn't sound right to me.

It was wider than the lower sector corridors; the air was cool and refreshing

Semi-colon doesn't really work there. just put comma, "and" instead.

never quite sure if your foot would suddenly sink into what you thought was solid ground

i get that it's a metaphor but i don't see how it applies that relevantly to this situation.

Code: [Select]

Obviously it was only a saying he had heard, for having been born in RuszáyevDon't do this. Don't point out this kind of stuff. NOt only is it unnecessary clarification which can be fixed by using a saying relevant to Jareth and his situation, but it also plants the point of view too far into the eyes of Jareth. If you get that close where it's almost as if he's speaking, then it might as well be a first person narrative.

animatedly

Didn't know that was a word. and even if it is, it's a clunky adverb. The sentence can fit better without the adverbiness of it. But "animated" is a good word to use.

Ignoring them in return

So if he ignores them, how can he take notice of them to make such a description, if we are to be this close to his point of view.

set flush with the corridor wall

This is me just being stupid, but i've never understood what that means.

‘Merchant Trade Office #339 – Resource and Dealership Management’

Is it really necessary for this to be seperate. It can easily be integrated, so you need a good reason not to.

Holding his wrist over the flickering red panel, Jareth waited a moment as it flashed once in confirmation

How does he know it flashed if it's flickering all the time?



But yeah, I like your stuff. It could be real good.

[KittKat chunky~]

But yeah, I like your stuff. It could be real good.

Thanks, i enjoy writing it too 

set flush with the corridor wall
This is me just being stupid, but i've never understood what that means.

If you say set flush with somthing, it means :  Arranged with adjacent sides, surfaces, or edges close together: a sofa flush against the wall.  <-- hehe... dictionary     So in this case, none of the door is sticking out, or embedded in.. its smoothly integrated into the wall..

 
Anyway... time to clean up the messes... where's my grammatical mop?

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

If you say set flush with somthing, it means :  Arranged with adjacent sides, surfaces, or edges close together: a sofa flush against the wall.  <-- hehe... dictionary     So in this case, none of the door is sticking out, or embedded in.. its smoothly integrated into the wall..

I learn something new every day