another rant and 'too kind' friends (drug topic involved)

[Calun the Bat]

Has anyone ever dealt with someone who was 'too kind'? Like, even when you can see the dangers and risks of certain toxic people, they still welcome and befriend them and excuse the negative behavior and activities? I've been trapped in a bad place lately, because I had a STRONG hit from depression and illness, and certain friends haven't been able to spend time with me. Which I can't blame them for, because life has a way of messing things up, and when you find spare time it's understandable that you'd want to get away from your best friend in favor of new ones and strangers.


So I've been alone and painfully struggling with depression in a way I haven't ever had before. It's been so bad that, well, I won't go into details. But the point is, I've been on the bottom of the pile lately. Both in life, and with friends. Even my best friend. Again, things happen, that's not the issue.


But what I'm curious about is sort of related to an old rant I once made.


What do you do when a friend adamantly insists on making excuses for and insistent on talking with and prioritizing toxic people over their alleged best friend?


All my life I've been a pretty quiet and reserved person, and as such I've grown to be good at observations. I've been working security for a long time, and they liked me because of my ability to read people well and discern who's a good egg and who's a bad seed.


Someone I know has lately been getting tight with a druggie. This druggie talks with his other friends about it, and openly jokes about drugs. He reminds me (ironically in personality, too) a LOT of someone I knew in school. Well, two people overall, but he reminds me specifically of one of them in their personality. Anyway, it seems like this new druggie is trying to get really tight with my my aforementioned friend, and I can tell that they're definitely still active with drugs and absolutely not trying to change their ways.


They keep trying to make excuses for the person by saying "he's trying to change", even though he's actively not, and he's still making light of his drug use. I am very concerned for my friend, because the one person I knew from school ended up in jail and homeless, and the other one ended up in prison, homeless, and frequently 'attacked'.


I REALLY don't like that they're associating with this druggie, and completely ignoring the risks, as well as all the warning signs. I REALLY, REEAAALLY don't want to see them get sucked into this person's life, and worse, get put into a position where they'll get drawn in, hurt, or worse because of him. But they refuse to listen to me, they have a blindfold over their eyes that by being nice and pretending that if they ignore it it'll go away.


I hate confrontation, and I'm going to be one of the first to say 'live and let live', but I also believe that you can't ignore the problems and just think nothing will happen to you. By ignoring threats, you just set yourself up for them.


Nothing quite as hurtful as being left alone while struggling with the worst depression of your life, AND watching someone you care for willingly ignore dangers and be stuck on the bottom of the barrel.

[Ventus Fall]

There are two things you can do. One can even be a follow-up from the other one.
Both you probably don't want to do.

1) You can (at first) talk to them directly about it. Telling your worries and concerns. Be direct. Friendly yet firm.

2) Break off contact. You can do this with a reason or not as to why.


(Also, sorry if I missed anything. I'm getting sicker and sicker and focus is bad, but I'd want to help ;3; )

[Calun the Bat]

There are two things you can do. One can even be a follow-up from the other one.
Both you probably don't want to do.

1) You can (at first) talk to them directly about it. Telling your worries and concerns. Be direct. Friendly yet firm.

2) Break off contact. You can do this with a reason or not as to why.


(Also, sorry if I missed anything. I'm getting sicker and sicker and focus is bad, but I'd want to help ;3; )

Thanks. (and I feel ya! I got really sick to the stomach about two days ago, and it's still got me messed up ;_;)


But yeah, I already did the first. I explained that I've seen the way this person talks and jokes about it casually. I'm super worried that the way he's been trying to get all 'friendly' and lying about 'getting over it' is going to drag my friend in, but they refuse to listen, or even consider it. They think that 'the drugs are staying at home, so it's okay'. Which is just insane to even consider as a valid statement.


I love this person way too much to ever cut them off. It's just astonishing to see someone allow such destructive people in their life, and ignore their best friend's concern. Every time I see the druggie, I worry that my friend is going to end up getting drugged, attacked, robbed, etc.


I really don't want to come off as controlling or like I'm telling them what to do, but this kind of person? They're a really bad seed, and at this point in their life... the way he is now... he will bring nothing but trouble. Maybe someday if he actually DID get past drugs. But not now. And I'm just scared to find out my best has been victimized because they refused to acknowledge the warning signs and to at least stay at distance.

[Trixsie Vixen]

This is such a difficult situation you are in.


I think it is really important to look at why your friend is doing what they are doing.  If they are basically a kind person you thinks they can help and wants to save the druggie from themselves, well that is noble but risky.


I suggest you talk to your friend again.  But not to try and change their mind, but to get real about the challenges of helping someone with a drug problem.  Are they familiar with those challenges? What are their plans to deal with them? Do they know what behaviour to expect from an addict and what are their plans to tackle those behaviours.


In short a reality check on their belief that they can save someone just through good intentions.  This might get them to acknowledge that it is more complex than they had thought.


Failing that, see if they will agree on some benchmarks for things getting out of hand.  In essence, there could come a time when they will be over their heads and still trying to make excuses or justify their actions, things which they would agree now are unacceptable but come the time might not be so clear.  Work out what lines can't be crossed and have them agree in advance.  Your friend needs to honestly identify what would be crossing the line and agree to stop if that should happen.  Agreeing in advance will make it easier should that time come.


Finally, if the problem is basically that your friend is just too kind for their own good, find them a new person to help.  Basically there is no shortage of people who desperately need help but without the baggage of drug use.  Just lure them away with someone in more need.


I wish I could be more helpful.