For Whom The Bell Tolls

[Soryu/Miayuki Isumi]

I will be posting this gradually, so the more people who read it the more I will post it is over 11 thousand words))

      The center of this worldlette is actually a small yellow dwarf. The pieces of this world are separate; chunks of different sizes orbit this sun at close range, although this isn't such a bad thing as the sun is so small. A large breathable gas cloud is also encircling the worldlette. The landscape chunks all rotate at different rates and some not at all. Some are a lot easier to live on than others. Consequently communities have been set up on the ones that are most comfortable. The life forms on this worldlette are all anthropomorphic, and their species appearance is dictated by their inner personality, along with their gender. They travel between the landscape pieces via magic, and with bridges between the more stable ones. Gravity is always local to each landscape piece, as in despite their size they still pull things towards themselves. This also keeps the water down. Water clouds pass through the gas cloud around the sun, closer to the worldlette than the sun though, so it rains on occasion, usually the places that rotate more get more rain and are surrounded by more clouds than the still landscape chunks. The legends of this worldlette tell of a time when the sun was huge, and the worldlette was as one, with many others of different kinds circling the sun at different distances. Although despite these documented legends, there is still a religion based around similar ideas.

         The air god broke apart his body so that the inhabitants of the worldlette might breath. The sun god shed his skin so that the inhabitants might come closer and stay warm from the eternal night of the sky outside. The god of water sacrificed itself onto the goddess of earth, so that plants might grow and the inhabitants might drink and eat. The goddess of earth rendered herself apart at the sight of the sacrifice of the others, and so the lands were divided and created. Schooling on the larger and easier to live on land masses teaches a bunch of rudimentary magic abilities to aid in every day life, such as the ability to cross between land masses, how to shield yourself in an emergency, and of course there are a number of little tricks that are passed down during lunch time between students that aren't taught in class, such as how to craft a magic sword, how to push or pull objects, and the best way to wedgies other classmates when their magic shields are down. How to create a light source, and how to enhance your body to shift larger objects are just some of the more common ones that everyone gets taught by their parents.

         The political system is largely based in a city-state style of way. Usually there isn't enough land for more than one large city per land mass. The mayor or king is either successive to the previous one, inherits the responsibility of the city from their predecessor, or is elected by a majority vote. Language and arithmetic are all core schooling subjects. Money is universal across the worldlette, although trading of goods and magic knowledge are also means to gain things you want. Depending on how religious someone is, or how culturally sensitive they are, they may call the worldlette the Earth Goddess, Isya (the legendary name of the worldlette), or just The World.

          Miayuki had just arrived in this city, and was staying at one of the slightly cheaper inns near the outer part of the city. It's a uninteresting wooden building, log cabin-style construction as it's so close to the cities surrounding forest. The inn keeper is an old bear, who tends the place by himself. There are three bedrooms, although one of the other occupants left yesterday shortly after she had arrived, so she was the only one there. The room she was in is rather generously large, although sparsely furnished with just a chest of draws and 2 single beds, along with 2 bedside tables. The windows of the room look out down the hills, with few houses along the street the inn is on, and the forest down the hill growing thicker.

          Miayuki opened her eyes to the warm rays of light drifting over her half nude body. The night before was highly warm and she found it difficult to sleep. Picking up a towel she wrapped it around herself and left a message with the inn keeper to tell her daughter that she would be back soon. She sighed heavily feeling the light of the day greet her as she exited the building. Making her way down to the lake she hung up her towel over a branch and removed the remainder of her clothing. Closing her eyes she began to hum a song and a soft flash of light lit up the area and the water was now in the form of a dragon leaving the lake empty. Stepping into the muddy remains she covered herself in the healthy remains ((the mud)) and motioned to the dragon. The creature took in a deep inhale and upon releasing it sent a heavy stream of water over the woman until it refilled the lake and its form collapsed into the body of water ending the creature’s short existence. Sinking into the water to the lower half of her mouth she sighed in relief and relaxed.

          Birds scatter from the surrounding trees as the dragon takes form, and after moments of its passing return to investigate. A few colorful green, gold, and deep blue parrots land on the lower branches of a tree that overhangs the lake. A number of disturbed fish splash away down the end of the lake away from the disturbance. The water continues to placidly run through the lake now that it has been returned to its normal course. A flash of green alerts you to the presence of a forest spirit, her shimmering body obscured by leaves as she peers out from behind a tree at you, obviously bought here by the magic you used. She disappears behind the tree moments later. The sun plays down through the leaves of the surrounding trees as a warm breeze flitters through the branches and over the lake.

           She stood from the water and perked her ears detecting something amiss. Closing her eyes and kneeling she prayed to the water in apology for disturbing its natural flow and turned to the direction of the sound. Waving her arm threads and pins appeared dancing in a certain motion and within a few motions a gown was made and grasped itself around Mia. She stepped forwards the edge of the crimson garb dragging behind her as she advanced. She spoke in the language of nature at first hoping that it was a forest spirit and not something that would be trouble "Hello. My name is Miayuki Isumi I was simply bathing myself I apologize for the disturbance now if you could please explain why you are here I am sure we can get along if we try" she said her golden red tinted eyes scanning the forest for motion.

            A flash of green passes between two trees on the edge of the lake not far from you before the spirit appears again, although this time you get a better look at it. It has long, slender ears from the side of its head, and it appears without a muzzle. Green shimmering images of leaves play over its body, although you can tell its female as some of the leaves skip a beat. It takes a few steps out from behind the tree, looking slightly scared, shy, and cautious, "P-please, be careful of the fish. This forest has become my home..." She clutches a hand to her mouth and looks down to her left, her eyelids closing slightly, "I do not mind you bathing, but please be kind to this forest." Her visage shimmers as the light-leaves dance around her. A number of the smaller parrots chirp and come down to rest on lower branches near her.

((Anyways end the opening))

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

well it's certainly imaginative. I love the idea of a chunks of planet orbitting a tiny sun (though when you called it a yellow dwarf, i totally got the wrong idea ) The science behind it is sketchy, and i'm guessing that the lands that dont move are either in total frozen darkness or constant blazing heat, so would have little to no life upon them. Either way it works and it's a good foundation and setting for the story. However, when you're talking about the world and its inhabitants, it sounds like a brochure. it's very matter of fact. Personally, i like to reveal things slowly as if they're completely normal, because to the characters, they are completely normal.

Once you get to the characters, there's a visible *clunk* between describing the world (brochure mode) and telling the story. The tone doesnt change massively, but you do change from present to past tense for no apparent reason, and you flit between the two from then on. It's also clunky because you drop in a character with not a single word to explain who she is. You just drop her in expecting everyone to either know her already or just accept everything you throw at them, including a daughter that totally threw me off, because it's such a throwaway comment as if we should already know this information. You seem to do this a lot, including not telling us what city she is in, or what landmass, which would be fine if you hadnt spent three paragraphs explaining the geography before hand.

I tend to see this type of thing a lot. People have these great ideas and good characters with personality, but they dont know the basics of storytelling to allow them to convey that to the audience. I mean the main problems you seem to have are:

Show dont tell: telling us the bare faced facts of what's going on isnt interesting. Show it to us through character action and interaction, as well as imagery and in depth description of the environment and characters.
Tenses: Stick to either present, past or future tense. Only change if you have a really good reason to. It's one of the main scaffolds to hold your story up. It's not beautiful but it's necessary.
Words in close proximity: Dont say the same word twice in on sentence, actually don't say the same word in two adjacent sentences. You did that quite a bit in sentences like "A number of disturbed fish splash away down the end of the lake away from the disturbance"
Relevant things in relevant places: the affect of the dragon on the wildlife should have been said while the dragon was still there, not afterwards. It's the literary equivalent of "I forgot to mention."
Dont clarify your sentences: If you're sentence needs clarifying, then the sentence needs to be re-written. Example of you clarifying: "Stepping into the muddy remains she covered herself in the healthy remains ((the mud)) and motioned to the dragon"
Imagery is your friend... but dont go crazy: "A number of the smaller parrots," smaller than what? and how small? small as a flea or a kitten... or a whale?

Really most of these are simple small mistakes that could be cleansed with one rule:
Re-read aloud: before you show anyone your stuff, re-read it aloud and make changes accordingly, or else you get mistakes like switching from saying "Miayuki" to saying "you."


it might cure some sentences like: "Green shimmering images of leaves play over its body, although you can tell its female as some of the leaves skip a beat"
I just... I just dont understand it.

But dont take this all as negative. You've got a good strong imagination that most people cant grasp. Your problems are merely technical and are easily fixed with practice.

[Soryu/Miayuki Isumi]

Right... Ok Then...