Ranting from my phone

[Calun the Bat]

Because life is beating the crap out of me right now.

I'll try to elaborate later IF I can get on a computer.

But I'm fighting depression, anxiety, doubt, self hating, and on top of that, my computer died. When it came back from the shop it was almost worst than when it left. I lost ALL of my creative writing which is my work, as well as ruined my gaming. My mom's health is declining, and my own has been in trouble for a while and it seems like it's gonna stay that way.

So everything is crap right now and I'm having a LOT of trouble coping.

[Fuzzpaws]

Sorry to hear, I've dealt with all that as well in the past year and a half or so. along with job issues and car problems. Depression is insidious, and very hard to cope with when you are deep in it.


I don't know you, but can provide a willing ear if you ever need to talk.

[Calun the Bat]

Update from my desktop (while it lasts):


Okay, so here's the rundown, since I really need to vent:


My mom's health has been getting much worse. She's lost a LOT of weight, and her mental state has gone way worse than it even used to be. My brother and I take care of her, even though I end up doing almost all the care, apart from driving. My own health has been messed up for about a month. I myself have lost about 1 to 2 inches from my waist, because my body started rejecting food that's more than about 1 meal a day, maybe about 1 1/2 if I'm lucky.


I have pretty intense social anxiety, unless I'm lucky enough to have a secure place to hide/be comfortable. (for example, someone I trust greatly to be with me, or for a con a costume/suit that I can completely hide in). So between that and my normal depression, I've been feeling pretty horrible.


In fact, there's been another issue on my mind that I haven't even been able to discuss with my best friend who I adore endlessly, but I won't talk about that. If I talk about it, it'll be with her since I trust her more than anyone.


Beyond that, my computer died about a month and a half ago, and now that it's back, I've lost ALL of my writing notes and projects that were on the machine. So I have to restart everything from the beginning IF I want to do so. The machine itself is also so crap that I can't really run much beyond Steam (if I'm lucky), and a browser. I even lost some music in the data transfer.


THEN, at the seasonal work I do, I pretty much can't stand anyone there, except a few, and there's one person in particular who's on really thin ice because they won't leave me alone and are really annoying and rude and forceful and refuse to listen.


AND THEN ON TOP OF THAT, my brother (even though I love him, I don't really like him) is not the greatest of people. We both live with our parents in order to give my mom 24/7 care for my dad, so that he can keep working the career he's made AMAZING strides in without concern. But I do almost all the work, and don't need the stress of him being lazy and entitled while getting free housing in exchange for helping and medicating our mom. SUPPOSED to be splitting the time/effort with me.


AND IT GETS BETTER.


Because of all of this, I've been in talks with aforementioned best friend about moving out with her once she's able to. Which is only a concern because it's very far for me. I don't care about me, but I just want her to be able to be happy and comfortable. Well, that and my dog, who's been with me for about 8 years, and is about 9 years old. I have some concerns about rehousing him since he's been at this location for 8 years.


So yeah. Stressful home life. Upsettingly stressful work life. Lost my 'career' work in a dead computer. Lost nearly all of my gaming/online outlets. Struggling very badly with depression. The list goes on.


And it's getting a lot harder to deal with.

[Ori]

I don;t know if this will help, but let me try to offer a couple tips for some things:

You said your computer is having trouble right? If you know what the problems are with your computer, you maybe able to replace just that part. And of course if you need a better computer, remember building your own is always cheaper, and with a bit of research it shouldn't cost as much as buying a premade one and people say it's not too hard. (Heck you might even be able to salvage some parts. Like the power supply.) (I want to say hard drive, but if you lost a lot of stuff, then nine time out of ten, it's most likely hard drive that got messed up.) If your work has been online before (Anywhere) you may want to check there. You never know, some times you might have a hidden file somewhere backed up unexpectadly. (Although I'm sure you already tried that.)  But if the hard drive itself is messed up, there just MIGHT be a way to recover data from a messed up hard drive. Afterall the way the memory is stored is on a metal disk inside the hard drive. (I think... That might be older versions of hard drives.) I'm not saying Go grab a screwdriver and open it up (Because I'm not that tech savvy so I'm not sure on it.) But maybe you can research your hard drive, and if your hard drive is damaged exteranlly. (Like maybe the metal data disk inside in perfectly fine but the outside part of the hard drive is wrecked.) It just maybe possible to buy another hard drive, swap the parts and regain your memory... (In theory I think it's sound. But I have never done that before, so I suggest researching before attempting something like this.)  (And of course make sure if you do so buy the same EXACT one.)

If it's on a SD card or flash drive... Maybe you can attempt the same thing... Sorry when it comes to smaller memory devices I've got nothing. 

As for eating, maybe you can eat small portions throughout the day. If you can keep something like granola bars on you, maybe you can chew on them from time to time. In addition to a meal.

When it comes to Anxiety maybe you just need to spend time alone. Maybe something like Taking a walk, and listening to music (off sound cloud or another music streaming app.)

Keep a Log/Diary/ journal,  (Penzu is an awesome online journal site) it helps vent. Sometimes you can say more when you know no one is not looking at it.
Since it's online it can never be lost. I think if you have the app you can password protect it, in addition to your phone's lock screen. (And of course people used to keep physical ones.)

Next time why not invest in Google Drive or One Drive? I know it's a pain keeping up with backing up stuff on a flashdrive or SD card, but when it's on the cloud. It's going to stay up there. And trust me, I've tried to delete something and it went to trash and little did I realize that when it's in Trash it's in a folder named 'trash.' And when I got rid of that it got backed up. ;-; Hence I made a new gmail for another google drive... (Which is nice, since I still ahve access to my old google drive.)

[guest22811]

Dang! I don't really know you well but I wish you luck, eh? Vent as much as you like, it's good for you to come out and express your feelings once in a while! And if you ever do need to talk to me, hit me up or Skype me ye?

*hugs you*

[Captain Degenerate]

Is your hard drive intact?

[Calun the Bat]

Sorry guys, can't give an in depth response, my computer got sent out again. but thanks. Er. SHOULD be back soon again, so I'll try to rely better later.

[Fuzzpaws]

fingers crossed Vampyrum... Hope they get it right this time, and that you haven't actually lost anything!

[Nori]

I'll smother you with hugs when you get back from haunt.

[Calun the Bat]

Thanks guys. I'll rely better when I'm back at a keyboard.


Things are mostly better (well, computer wise anyway).


Though it turns out that I DID lose all of my creative writing projects and notes.


Bleh.



And thanks, Nori. ilyyy

Post Merge: October 24, 2016, 09:58:31 AMAlright, sorry for the delay (and sorry for responding. I don't wanna use this rant section as a place to run to and bother everyone >_> )


So, the deal with my computer is this; they had to transfer all available data to a new drive. Which is good, because its a GREAT drive. The downside is that certain files on the desktop were inaccessible. Probably because of corruption. There was a fault in the old power source that was causing extremely small pulses in the electricity flow that was causing hardly noticeable damage over time. The bright side is MOST things were saved. The downside is that NONE of my writing was saved, and some of my music was wiped too. So I'm trying to rework my writing notes when I have the chance, but October has been awful.


Nori could tell you. (And again. Thank you SO much for being there, Nori. You're a life saver.)


There's also the usual life problems at home, but we've worked out some plans for the future that will get me out and into a better place to be. In the short term nothing else has changed, and I'm still trying to beat my mental afflictions that I've kind of learned to accept. But I do have hope that it'll all be okay when Colorado rolls around.