Before starting: this rant/demand for advice might look every chaotic and not be hanging together but I guess that is the way I write stuff down.
This is the story of me, me when I was struggling with me and now is struggling with everything except me.
Where do I begin this with? I could start it with the moment I was born but for everyone their interests I am going to start where it almost all ended.
There where I almost took a leap of faith, to a certain end.
March 18th 2015.
I am in my dorm room done writing an email, I edited my final recording and had written a letter for those who would enter my room.
Whilst tapping nervously my feet when I was sitting in my chair I looked at my watch: 18.32, it was for me time to go.
I get my jacket, close the door behind me and I take the bus to the railwaystation of Ghent.
As soon as I got on the platform I walk to the end of it, knowing being there that no train would be able to stop in time.
But when I was standing there and seeing the train coming closer by and I was just 1m away from jumping, I suddenly feel something pulling me back.
Ofcourse there was no one pulling me or something like that, I just stopped myself and by doing that I missed my chance of jumping in front of the now driving past me train.
I sighed and I thought that I would have another chance the day after. A bit disappointed in myself for not jumping under that train I get on the bus to my dorm.
When I got in my room I slammed the door behind me and with anger I sit down in my chair, open my laptop and start watching some youtube.
For some reason my eye catched that markiplier published a new video, not knowing what to do anymore I start watching it.
When Mark was doing his speech at the end of his video "The static speaks my name" I crash. I get up, I started crying and I fell on the floor.
It was the deepest crash I've ever made, it was that moment I realised I couldn't keep doing that to myself: constantly postponing my suicide instead of seeking help.
FAST FORWARD TO 2016
I got the help I needed, and now I am going really well (politics and studies are skyrocketing)
15/03/2016
I contact a guy saying that I agree with the meeting we would have at the airport in Brussels on the 22nd of march.
We would use this meeting to talk about public transportation possibilities and looking on how to improve them.
For me: it would become my most important meeting of 2016.
22/03/2016
I wake up and I look at my watch: 6.55. I've overslept.
Whilst cursing I jump out of bed, get into my clothes and start running to the railwaystation.
In some sheer amount of panic I jump in a tram in the hope I would get there faster and I was correct.
Luckily I had bought my trainticket in advance to the airport so I run to the platform to see my train leaving the station.
I felt really bad at that moment, knowing you would miss the most important meeting for me of 2016. I call the guy I would meet and he said he was already at the aiport. He took no offence and said it was allright, that we could meet in the afternoon or the day after.
Less than an hour later the bombs exploded at the airport and wounding the guy.
31/03/2016
During my training for becoming a campleader I tore my ligaments very badly.
Because it took one day before I could get any medical help it got worse and I had to walk with crutches.
15/04/2016
Important day: a political simulation in the parliament and the professors would grade us for our performance.
I keep rehearsing my lines of text to make sure I wouldn't fail and get the points I really need.
When I knew I knew the lines of text I exit the house and get on my bike towards the railwaystation.
Whilst crossing a street a woman from the right hits me pretty bad whilst she was texting and driving.
My bycicle got thrashed, I flew over the hood but got nothing, except my right foot that got hit. The same foot with the torn ligaments.
Luckily a police patrol saw it happening, took her and me to the police station for asking some questions and making sure they got everything on paper.
Because I wanted to get really badly to the parliament I refused medical help but I wrote down my foot was hurt.
The police gave me a ride to the station and said that I could get my bike back in the evening to bring it to a workshop.
With my pretty bad hurt foot I get on the trains. Once in Brussels I ran to the parliament, luckily I was on time but after the running I was crying because of the pain I had.
I give my speech for the political simulation. When I was done I had the feeling I screwed up and that I was a miserable fail. However the politicians and professors said that I was a political talent and that I should go into politics because they believe I have a great future in politics.
29/04/2016
I cancel my ticket for a steamtrainfesitval in Maldegem and confirm my booking for the congress of the Young Greens.
30/04/2016
I arrive at the congress. Seeing the other people their opinions I know I won't be popular but since I am a very talented guy in speaking I know I can handle it pretty well, also my lobbying skills are pretty good.
During the congress I can shoot down a lot of propositions that were way too left for me (I am center) and I get a lot of the propositions approved (thanks to lobbying and speaking). Some people now call me an arrogant prick whilst others now really like me and say I should become the next leader of the Youth Party.
When I arrive in the evening at home I recieve the news that a steamtrain his boiler exploded at the festival where I normally would have been. A good friend of mine got 3th degree burned in the face and neck (2nd degree burned in the throat) and was in a life threathening situation.
WHY?
Why am I telling you guys about my life, why am I: a person who wants to keep his identity secret reaviling it all to you.
Simply, because I want to share my perspective of how the things went in my life.
In 2015 my wish was to end my suffering: to kill myself. Just to end it and to have peace with myself.
In 2016 I escaped a certain ending of it all and I was grateful I escaped it.
My shift of things also has a dark side to it. There where in 2015 I would watch my family because I knew every day would be the last day I could saw them I changed a lot in 2016. Now I want to get to the top as fast as I can, I want to reach it and shout I've got it all.
But in that race I was forgetting something, and the 22nd of March made me remember it: my family.
Now I pay more attention to them, however I also start noticing the worst thing I could ever notice: they are getting old.
My grandma is getting worse week by week, she is rapidly losing her skill in autodriving. My grandfather is aging (skin) fast and my mom.
Well, she is the one I worry the most for: her heart is very weak, she has a lot of tumours in her liver, she has Chronic Fatigue synfrom and a new disease at her teeth will mean she will lose all of them in the course of time.
Because all of this, I have a new fear: the fear of loosing them. And I don't know how to handle that fear...
