Health, Sexuality, and anxiety.

[Seko]

Hey guys, I know I've not been very active for a long time but I've been going through some stuff recently and if there's anything the Furry fandom provides it's good listeners. So I'd like to speak about the last little while, namely dealing with the last 5-6 years of high-school and now, having left, the future and my plans. I apologise for "bigoted" phrases, but they are quoted and were at the time applied towards me. If that breaks rules then I am sorry.

When high-school first started, I knew it wasn't going to be easy. I was the youngest kid in my school year, something like 2 weeks above the "not allowed to be here" cutoff. I went from a semi-quiet kid to a total introvert that was constantly bullied and made to feel unwelcome. Walking into classes I'd be called names, people would go "oh, he's in the class" and throw things at me throughout. The only time this would stop was when I was with my three best friends. At the time they were the only people I knew, could talk to, they were the only people that didn't hate me for reasons I never knew about. If I was with my friends other people saw it as a form of "charity" and they would leave me alone for fear of getting on bad terms with my friends. It was the sort of bullying that persisted no matter what I did, I started high-school with medium hair and was bullied for that. I grew my hair and suddenly I was bullied for that too. They'd call me a "freak" and an "albino" despite me not being one. Generally I'd get bullied for all sorts of things I never even knew a person could be bullied about. I went to get an eye-test and was told I have astigmatism (where your eyes are more rugby-ball shaped than spherical), I only told my three friends because they asked. By the end of the week people were blocking me in the halls demanding to know what was "wrong with my eyes" and "why I was a freak". I could never get away from it.

Second year was difficult, in this year we had to attend "sex-ed". Suddenly people knew about that, people had been taught about how two people can love each other, how babies are made, etc. That was the first year someone ever called me a "faggot" or a "gay" or would say that I was some sort of sexual predator because I didn't feel like pursuing relationships at that point. Both girls and boys would approach me and demand to know who I "have a crush on" or if I'm "a fag" long before I ever knew or felt like doing anything relating to love, or sex, or anything like that. I think I was like 12 years old when I started getting bullied for my (at the time unknown) sexuality. Late into the year I became friends with a girl from America, she was an exchange student or something...I'd never had any friends that wanted to go guising (trick-or-treating in America) but apparently it was a big thing in the US so I went with her, It was pretty fun...and by the end of the week a rumor had started that we'd slept together and we never spoke again. A few weeks after we stopped being friends a new rumor that she "found out I was a fag" had started up, and continued to the end of the year.

Around this point I started a long-distance relationship with a girl, It was pretty nice. Totally platonic too, which after all the emphasis on sex and other stuff that my peers seemed to force on me was like a breath of fresh air.

My third year of high-school was a new beginning, I'd gotten my classes and a new circle of friends had formed. Each person was unique and amazing and fun... It was the first time I ever actually felt semi-popular...even though it was only a group of about 13 people at maximum. By this point my hair reached my lower back, I never stopped growing it, but to my surprise my friends actually liked my hair. They said it was "cool" and that it set me apart from other people that were too afraid to be different. To this day I have long hair. It became my way of refusing to conform and change just so people would treat me better. My friends supported me more than I could have ever imagined and I am so grateful for them doing so...Our friend-circle was renamed "team homo" in reference to how I'd always be bullied. They took my bullying as an attack and began to treat me like the little brother of the group. For the first time I felt safe in high-school.

At this point the long-distance relationship broke down, and after struggling with myself for a while I started another one... with a guy. For a long time I dealt with a "why me?" mindset, and was terrified about the future. The last gay man to do something successful and worthwhile to my country founded the basis of software development, AI, etc and then was driven to suicide by the government. It took me a long time but I came to terms with a simple fact: "No matter what I do for anyone, some people will hate me". It also struck me hard that now something I had been bullied for was now real, it was like people knew before I did. Years of abuse for something that never applied to me until then

Fourth year was much the same, classes don't switch at this point and I was with my friends almost constantly. I was aware though that on my own I would be called names or hit, I began to think they knew about my inner struggles...but I hadn't told anyone by this point. At the end of the year I passed my exams with decent results.

Long distance relationship 2 ended because the other person disappeared.

Fifth year was probably the worst year. Although I met another guy online and that was going great, I got to actually visit him occasionally despite the distance. School started getting harder, I started getting shakier, my migraines got worse (1-2 a week), my stomach started to grumble whenever I got anxious...To top it all off a few weeks before my exams I was physically assaulted. I had been walking home and heard someone running towards me. I had experience with this sort of thing so tensed a few seconds prior, usually it's be a slap or a kick, or something minor...Nope, Full-on hook to the jaw, I fall and carry on walking. Crowd of people yell insults at me, call me a "faggot" and dare the person to hit me again. Luckily they had already gotten bored and walked away. I got home. Police were called and the person was arrested, they got a "warning" and about 2 weeks later began to threaten me for the rest of the year. Exams went poorly that year...I vomited before and after every single exam (all 8 of them) and generally felt awful. When my exam results dropped through the door and the certificate was blank, even for my favourite subjects, I cried.

In Sixth year I was diagnosed with opthalmic (visual debilitating) migraines, a stomach condition thought to be IBS, and anxiety disorder. I spent over half of my days at the school nurse or at home...usually vomiting or unable to move. I had been given sugar pills too, considering that my conditions meant eating on some days was very difficult for me to do. I had a sugar spike and it feel badly one day, I woke up to an ambulance crew trying to stabilise my sugar levels. I'm not diabetic or anything, I had just been unable to eat or drink without vomiting immediately. As time went on I ended my long-distance relationship and began to focus on my exams. Around this time all my friends had been told of my sexuality, and in honor of my "leveling up" the friend-circle was renamed "The fellowship of the fags" I put in something like 100 hours every week of my exam leave, and even then I got a certificate laden with Cs. In just two years I had fallen from an "All 'A's" student to barely scraping entry requirements to get into college. 10 exams yielded a total of three Cs even with all the effort, simply because I got ill.

Now that school has ended I'm looking at uni-gateway courses, hopefully so I can apply for college and still get to where I wanted to go. My anxiety isn't any better...I cut back on my medication thinking I would be okay...but then I was asked to go to the shops to buy some bread. I know that buying bread isn't a big deal, it's easy, it -should- be easy. It wasn't, I needed my brother to walk me there and even then I kept messing up. I had other problems like this, I went to apply for jobs and I even have a work experience next week...but I keep freaking out even though I know I shouldn't. Even if I don't care about the outcome of something, it still scares me.

So as of now I'm a (recently) "out-there" gay guy, with debilitating conditions, and a social disorder. I have no idea what I'm doing anymore, I can't talk to anyone properly and although I've put in the effort to try and feel better like going for runs/exercising (which is super difficult with anxiety disorder)...I don't. I still feel all these negative emotions and I don't know what I'm meant to do with them.

The truth is...I'm angry. I'm angry at people that chipped away at me and made me like this, I'm angry at other people for not helping, and I'm angry at myself for being broken. I'm a social reject and I don't even know how I feel about my sexuality, I know that I'm gay, but I don't know how to cope with it at all. I can't maintain positive friendships without feeling that I'm annoying people, or become a burden because of my own weakness, and when I actually -love- someone I don't feel good enough nor do I think I ever will. I feel so confused about what I'm supposed to do, I can barely cope with myself but I feel so alone, and when I'm selfish and bring people into my life I feel so awful for being the person they love that I end up pushing them away in the end.

Please, there must be someone that feels the same way. I feel like I've had a moat dug around myself by everything that's happened and I feel like I'm completely alone.

[anoni]

  Bullying is truly a terrible thing, the good news you generally won't find that at uni and if you do, it's no longer "kids being kids", people at uni are adults, bullying is assault and if anyone bullies you you can literally go to the police for that and they won't just get a slap on the wrist. So I'll talk about going into uni and so forth later, but the first thing I should stress is to take your medication if you feel you can't cope. A lot of people with psychological disorders go off their medication because they think they can and a lot of people (with depressive disorder or bipolar disorder especially) end up hurting themselves, or putting themselves in a position where they could hurt themselves. No way am I saying that's you, but it's important to take your medication if you feel you need to and there's absolutely no shame in that, after all it sounds like this anxiety wasn't really your fault in any way, more the situation that you had been placed in.

  So uni, now uni is different for many people. Taking a gateway course is good, generally there are many avenues to get into uni so try them all. In general, universities generally have a disability program that can help with stuff and also help with applying (getting a "leg up" to try because you were sick). Your anxiety, IBS and visual problems could most definitely count as a disability so it's important to try to seek these avenues within university to try and get on the same level field as everyone else. Now, university and college can either be the best experience of your life and a generally terrible one and how the experience comes to be is defined on what you do. If you are going to university just to go to classes, learn and get a degree, then you're not gonna have a good time at uni. University allows for a thriving social life, you'll make more friends (that are much more mature than your high school friends), you'll be able to unleash your potential in more open ended avenues and extra-curricular activities, or even just asking the lecturer for more problems (they usually are glad to give them) and you'll be able to share experiences with like-minded people (such as those of the LGBT society, which is almost definitely somewhere on your uni). In general, the university experience is exactly that, an experience, and you should try push for the experience part just as much as the academic side of things (after all these extra curricular stuff would look fantastic on your resume  ). Now, it depends what degree you're doing, if you want to do a degree in Engineering or computer science you'll generally find everyone there is kind-of-sort-of nervous, shy and well, I suppose slightly autistic xD, so in general you won't have the Jocks of high school trying to make fun of everyone (Do note however, this won't be all the people, a majority of people in these fields are actually quite outgoing and friends, but if you prefer the quieter type there are those around too). If you pick something like sport-science or civil engineering, you'll generally get more "jokish" people. Law and social sciences are generally full of people who are quite political in nature and very interested in the concepts of politics, rights and so forth. Sciences differ on the field, generally physicists are basically like the compsci people but have even worse social skills I find, chemists and biologists seem to be ok though. The point is, you'll get different people depending on your subject, so in general if you liked one subject you'll get people who are similar to you in that regard.

  My lecturer Richard Buckland was a godsend for nervous and anxious people like you, he was my first year computer science lecturer and is widely considered the best lecturer to be a student for (and the worst lecturer to be a tutor for ). One thing he said, which is undoubtably hard for someone with anxiety but is really helpful if you can at least try this once or twice, is to sit in a new seat every day for the first two weeks, a seat you hadn't sat on before. Then say hi to the person on your left and the person on your right, just say hi, it's not weird or anything in the first two weeks, you'll meet new people, you'll see them around and in general, people will be friendly. You have a clean slate! So use it!

  Now enough about Uni, lets talk about sexuality. First of all Alan Turing isn't the only "last" famous British homosexual guy, but he's probably the most influential. Either way, there's an entire list on wikipedia of famous LGBT people that's so large, you have to search by letter, it's found here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_gay,_lesbian_or_bisexual_people:_A Many of these entries are British. Now I could say that there's nothing to be concerned about and homosexuality is normal and yadadada, but I'm sure you've heard that before online and you in general already know that. I dunno, for me these words didn't really help, maybe they lifted my spirits for a night but then a few nights later I'd be sad again. So what helped me get over, I suppose, the grief that *GASP* I'm gay. Well, for me it was the people I hang out with. Now, some people like to feel proud to be gay and they like the whole world to know, to those people I say awesome, if that makes you happy than do it! Fly the rainbow flag with pride and show the world that you're proud, but I wasn't one of those people. For me, I didn't LIKE the idea of being proud or making a big deal out of my sexuality, whether it was negative OR positive. I wanted it to simply, not be a big deal, a part of me that was simply "meh", a part that was only important in my romantic life, but unimportant in my daily life. So, I tried to find a community that would accept me for who I am, without making a huge deal out of it, and well I found that community in this forum and in the furry fandom itself. Because, surprise surprise, a majority of people are aren't straight, just check out the "sexuality" thread in the General section, most people are Bi, some are gay, some are PAN and some are asexual. So no one really cares if your gay and that to me gave me some confidence with coming out about my sexuality, which you've already done so well done! But I found out something very curious, I found out that in general, with things like this, people will only consider something a big deal if YOU consider it a big deal. If you consider it a small deal, then people in general will also, there are obvious exceptions to this, but if the people you are talking to are generally intelligent (like the people in university) then you'll find this to be true more so than false. Either way, I followed that principle, and in general acted like being gay wasn't a big deal, I wouldn't tell people I'm gay unless my romantic life came up in conversation, and then I'd just say something like "Do I have a girlfriend? Nah, I have a boyfriend, his name is Lyle, what about you?" and in general if I didn't attract too much attention from it and in general was "relaxed" people would reply the same.

  That was my experience, your experience will be different, but I think it's important to find a community that'll accept you in the bounds that you would want to be accepted in. If you are a rainbow flag baring type, which many people are, then you should check out the Queer society of your college, who'll gladly accept you and encourage to you participate in activities that will strengthen your resolve for your fellow LGBT peers!

[Seko]

Can I start by saying thanks, Anoni. Your post was very informative and helpful.

I'll start taking my medication again, starting this evening...I'll post here how that goes and if I feel better. While I've never -tried- to hurt myself, at pretty low times I've considered it. The whole "if I can't cope what will I do" mindset.

I think college/uni will be neat, although I'm very apprehensive for obvious reasons. I think it will be easier in some ways and harder in others...The people are nicer, certainly, but there are a lot more of them. My last year of high-school exams I was noted as having conditions and ended up in the room for diabetics. It helped quite a lot actually, even just the smaller rooms.

My current plans are to do a 2-2 college-university gateway course, so I get two years in college and then two years in university. I'm doing a conjoined degree in Computer security, networking, and ethical hacking. Afterwards I want to pursue ethical hacking more, it's understaffed at the moment and is pretty interesting.

LGBT stuff at uni is meant to be much better, which is nice. I'm pretty reserved about my feelings towards guys and my although the family I live with know...they don't like it very much. I'm a big fan of the "if people ask" thing, but a lot of people that -do- ask at the current time are the people that would spread it and cause me grief. I've been way too nervous to pursue anything in real life, I had a semi-romantic relationship that involved more physical stuff...but it was one time and I've not pursued anything afterwards. I've never been a large part of the Gay scene. Gay bars, LGBT establishments, and super camp guys make me feel pretty uncomfortable actually...although I suppose my anxiety disorder has something to do with this. The closest thing people I can talk to is my ex who's honestly not great with -feelings stuff- and a bi friend that's never dated a guy before. I know that being gay is normal and there's the whole mix of prenatal hormones, personal mindset, and genetics...and that having an "X gene" "makes me like a member of the X-men who has the power of preferring dudes" and that's sorta cool, I guess.

I've looked for like-minded people where I live but have never found anyone who was legitimate or would be my friend, which sucks. I hope it changes in uni like you say, I really do.