I really just need to let all this out, so here goes...
Vent One
As many of you know, (at least, those on the IRC) I recently broke up with my girlfriend of about two years for various reasons, but particularly because we had a huge personality clash and she wanted me to be someone I'm just not. After a few weeks of bickering back and forth, we seem to be at a mutual acquaintanceship. What bothers me is, even though I technically broke it off with her, I felt this heavy, sick and anxious feeling, as if she were going to cheat on me, when she told me she was hanging out with a male friend in the city looking for paint and such (she's an artist).
I really cared about her a lot, but I never fully trusted her. Although that was probably because she always told me how she drooled over men with abs and told me her fantasies of them, which I won't go into detail here, but she was always making me jealous and it made me wonder how loyal she could really be. On top of that, she was always insisting I "experience" other people, learn them, date them, (online), etc. She also said to me one day, "You know, Gxxx (name withheld for privacy) is a really nice guy, and he's attractive and athletic, and if I could date him I would, but I want to be with you later on in life. But once we move in together and are comfortable with each other, we should date other people in real life." ...What? Like, that totally throws off my whole being loyal thing, she always wanted other people involved. On top of that, she said it just after I got over feeling really depressed and told her so. It's like she either had no regard for my emotions or was just extremely oblivious. Also, whenever I expressed that I felt like I wasn't good enough for her, or that she was going to cheat on me, she'd do one of two things:
A) Get really, really pissed at me and start yelling at me and putting me down, OR
B) Tell me how beautiful I am, how lucky she is to have me, tell me how much she loved me, etc.
She tended to treat me on and off like that a lot, although she was usually pretty nasty to me 90% of the time and rarely said she loved me back.
I don't know why I still get uncomfortable with her, but it really bothers me. I mean I guess it's going to take me time to accept the fact that she's going to have someone else when I really had it set in my heart that she'd be my wife if she'd just change a little for me (I changed a LOT for her). Some of the thoughts and mental images I get from time to time thinking about that tend to make me feel pretty sick and anxious... I really want to express this to her, but knowing how she is she'll just question it and then get mad at me, which in turn will make me feel worse.
Any of you guys have suggestions for how to deal with this type of anxiety or jealousy?
Vent Two
I'm not sure how to really talk about this, but here goes...
I'm with someone wonderful now, I mean, absolutely fantastic. Treats me well, makes me really happy, has effects on me that no one else ever has. But a huge problem we have is communication and how to start conversations with one another and keep it going. Another thing that bothers me, and I know it's part of their personality, is their want to get a conversation over quickly, not necessarily because they don't want to talk, but just because it's their nature. So I'll ask how they are, or I'll say something and I get a one-word answer which comes off as pretty cold. It may seem silly but this makes me feel distant and a little shoved off, even though they don't mean it that way at all. I guess it's a little hurtful to me, because I want to be held and loved and picked up and they just don't show much drive or emotion behind their actions, though when we audibly speak to one another, the emotion is very obviously there and it makes me happy.
Anyone have suggestions for this situation?
(I'm exhausted and falling asleep, I'll probably update this tomorrow, but thanks for reading it.)
Topic: Vent: Frustration and a sore heart. (Read 431 times)