Afraid to explain

[Toocat]

I've been meaning to tell my mum that I'm dating Sadie. But then she's going to presume that I'm gay and I don't want her to think that because I'm not sure if I am or not. Obviously, I like girls! I like their personality, their minds, and their bodies but I like guys too. But I don't know how much. I want to say I'm gay but I know it's not entirely true. But the other day when I mentioned pansexuality to my family, my mum was like "So that means you'll do anyone!?" Not directed towards me but to the actual sexuality. I just said, "Hehehe yes" because I was in front of my whole family. And my family aren't necessarily "homo friendly." Which really bothers me. Especially my sister! Okay, you have me, a flaming homosexual, and then my sister, a homophobic, straight girl. And she is always ALWAYS asking me if I'm gay and I keep telling her "no." One time, she made me promise that I would not date a girl. Obviously, I didn't take that to heart. Why would I? And she's always asking if I have a crush or a boyfriend and I say no but smile because I think of Sadie whenever someone asks me that. And then she teases me about it and makes me say something not gay (that's hard to do for me). And then she'll start picking on me for the way I dress and my hair and how I act. She's always trying to get me to do girly things with her and contrary to her belief, I hate being a girl. Why would I want to look more like one? I just feel so uncomfortable around her and my family. It's starting to drive me nuts. Yeah, I would tell them I was dating Sadie and that I was gay but I know they wouldn't react well. It would just give them something new to pick on me about. I'm like, alone in my family. Like, not alone but there's no one really like me. I'm the only gay one that I know of, actually. It's actually kind of stressful. I feel insecure when I go to family reunions and shit like that because I know I'm different from everyone else and it really ticks me off. The closest person like me is my lil' bro, Nick. But he still calls me gay and shit like that. I mean, my older sister taught him to call me ya' know, the curse word for lesbian. Really? I'm just unsure what to do anymore. I know if I tell my mum about Sadie, and how we're an "online" relationship, she's going to presume that Sadie's a pedophile! But I know she's not, OBVIOUSLY OMG. But my mum aLWAYS presumes that my friends are freaks and  pedophiles. Really. I am sick of it. I'm afraid my mum would make me break up with her. (But I won't omg). OKAY, I guess I'm done. Thanks for reading!!!! <333

[anoni]

---Heterosexual------Hetero/bisexual-----------bisexual---------------homo/bisexual----------homosexual------
1 - 2 -  3 -  4 -  5 -  6 -  7 - 8 - 9 - 10 - 11 - 12 - 13 - 14 - 15 - 16 - 17 - 18 - 19 - 20 - 21 - 22 - 23 - 24 - 25

This is my model on sexuality, it's not something that is defined as one person can be either homosexual or heterosexual or bisexual. You can be in-between. So you might be somewhere inbetween 15 - 25, bisexual with a male preference or rather. There's a lot of sources online describing how sexuality isn't concrete and isn't either gay or straight, even some scientific ones, so just do some research and you might have some sources to get educated and then explain it to your mum in best words as you can.

  I know how it feels to be the only gay one in a family, it's rather unnerving and that's why I'm not really public about it, I'm the only gay one I know in real life except for a my ex-mate who lives 2 hours away and my old friend who lives on the other side of the city. So being the only gay one can be hard, but you just have to know that you will always find someone like you online and maybe it might be better to realize that even if you are gay, it doesn't completely isolate you from your family. It's only a part of you and there is bound to be some other similarities you can look on. Also, insulting people can suck, but sometimes people are just trolls and they seek reaction, sometimes it's better to simply, not react. An offensive word for being gay can hurt, but remember that it's just a word, the meaning behind the word is bad but you know your little/big brother doesn't mean it, he just does it to annoy you. Don't let it annoy you and I'm sure he'll stop doing it.

  Telling your parents can be one of the hardest things ever but you can get through it and you'll most likely feel better for it! Hope things go well!

[Rinny]

First of all, getting it all off your chest and writing everything down is a big step. Venting is great to do and it relieves that stress, if you want to I would suggest writing a journal on how all this feels and your experiences for the sake of venting and a lot of people here will read it, I've been meaning to make one for a while but I'm not brave enough! You're brave to write this all down and let other people give you advice so cookie fo' you!

Seriously though, that's awful that people call you offensive words. It truly is, I'm sorry you have to go through that. Even if you were heterosexual it seems like they'd find some way to try and pick on you though, so as Anoni says, ignore them. When I had bullies and someone told me to just ignore them I thought they were stupid. It might take a while depending on how stubborn your lil bro is. When I was growing up from the ages of 12-14 my father was continuously annoying me because I reacted. Albeit it wasn't as harsh as what you're going through but he still picked on me, it wasn't malicious but he was just trying to get a reaction.

Next time it happens just look away from him, here's a bit of a psychology trick...if he's being mean/spiteful to you, don't talk to him or make eye contact. Only make eye contact and give him conversation when he's being nice to you. He should start showing signs of stopping then.

Depending how old you are, the whole 'pedo freak' thing might just be a mother's instinct. My mother was like that when I was chatting on forums when I was 12-16. It's just a matter of trust that will need to be earned, don't take it to heart. This is one of those things that might just take time.

Everyone comes out in a different way due to the fact that everyone's different and everyone's living conditions are different. I would say that whoever is the most tolerant in your family you should just have a private conversation and just tell them how you feel.

I'm sure you can do it. It will just take time. Be brave.

[Toocat]

Thanks so much for this advice guys! I really REALLY appreciate it. I'm not trying to isolate away from my family, but it feels as if that's a last resort. And I don't want to get to that! But I can't help but actually WANT to get to that point where I just don't want to deal with them anymore. And I totally want to tell them I'm gay but I just don't want them to take it as an advantage and use it against me. I mean, the other day my sister told me that I'm setting my self up for failure by cosplaying and stuff. She said that I don't like getting picked on and stuff. But yet, she feels the need to say all these awful things to me that no one else does. I seriously wanted to tell her that she's the only person judging me because of this. And I love her and my brothers but sometimes I just wish that I could leave and never come back.
And yeah, I understand my mum's "pedophile" thing but I wish she would actually listen to me when I say that "I know my friends are not creepy 42 year old men." Because, you can just TELL! I mean, if they are, then wow, they're pretty good actors!
Thanks for the advice guys! It really means a lot!!!

[Rinny]

I seriously know what it's like with the whole parents judging online friends. I honestly didn't blame my parents since they're pretty old and they don't know technology pretty well and thanks to the media the internet is all a dark place where everyone's a pedophile. Granted, it can be dangers but as long as you're smart about it then it's good. I guess just let them know what you're doing and who your friends are online, how you met them, what you talk about, etc. After a little bit they should start to trust you, that's what I had to do. It wasn't very specific either I just said

"This is _____ I met her from _______ we have ______ in common so we talk on _______"


Hey, I cosplay too! My bro made fun of me for it but I guess he's always made fun of me no matter what I do so I didn't take it seriously. Just ignore the insults and be proud of yourself. Cosplaying is a great creative hobby that can teach you a lot of fantastic skills and get you to meet other people!

[Riku Aotsuki]

This isn't the most lengthy piece of advice, but I know I could've used it a while back. Be yourself. If you honestly think they'll react badly, let them think you're straight. And straight up tell your sister you don't want to be a girly girl. And when you're old enough, you can say "screw you" and ignore them the rest of your life. I came out to my family and friends, and the only one that didn't take it well was my mom. My mom always wanted me to be a perfect Christian boy...heh.
Honestly though, if you want to explain it, the most common definition of pansexuality is that you fall in love with the personality, not the body. And you know what they say...
Anyone who has ever lived any life of worth knows damn well that when you fall in love with someone, it's hopeless. It cannot be controlled, stopped. or rationalized.