Sorry for the incoming word-vomit, I just need to vent somewhere. You are under no obligation to read any of the following.
I got dumped. I don't know when. Days ago. Everything is blurring together since; even with school, I can't tell one day from the next anymore. I have never felt so strongly about anyone in my life before. She was amazingly perfect for me, and she said I was perfect for her; we really were compatible in every way possible.
Then she left.
There was a sharp, sudden decline, and I don't know what caused it. All I know is that she suddenly started breaking down and talking about how she's not ready for a relationship and she doesn't know when she will be. We hadn't been together long, but we clicked so hard and fast that every moment just felt...right. She continually told me throughout this...discussion, that I did nothing wrong; that I did everything RIGHT in fact. I could tell she wasn't lying from the look in her eyes, but despite her conviction, it's hard for me to believe. This is my fifth relationship, and it's totalled just as fast as the others. I have been dumped every single time, and every time, I've been told that it wasn't me, it was them. After five times, I've stopped believing it.
The past few days, I've been doing my best to avoid my usual nature of picking apart every moment I can recall and punishing myself mentally for doing the wrong thing. I've been burying myself in school, video games, exercise, music...whatever I can throw myself into headfirst with as much vigour as possible to avoid thinking about her or the situation at hand. Every night, I've been going to bed at a ridiculous hour, waiting until I'm so completely exhausted that I'll drop off almost immediately without being enabled the time to think or bury myself in the past.
She wants to remain friends, something which I was happy enough to agree to, figuring we'd be good friends, like myself and my previous ex (who, to this day, remains one of my closest friends, to the point that we can joke about our brief stint dating), but we just aren't talking like we used to, as though she's trying to stop herself from getting attached again. I'm doing my best to be as detached, and simultaneously friendly, as I can, but she's making it difficult by being irresponsive. I feel it's too dangerous to bring these things up however, as I don't want her to have another panic attack because she feels I'm pressuring her, even if I'm not. While she doesn't have any "issues" in the strictest sense, her previous relationship messed her up pretty bad - three years of dating a manipulative, detached douchebag will do that- and she's said that me being loving and caring is scary and unnatural for her, and that's part of the reason she needs time to herself.
I thought we were doing okay until the day before yesterday when she stood me up. We agreed to meet outside my apartment building at 4:30 in the afternoon to have coffee, and so she could pick up some books on John Lennon that I ordered for her (We're both big fans of The Beatles) with her coming straight from work, not too far. She finished at four and, as I mentioned, said she'd be there by 4:30. I texted her only three times over that whole day; once to check we were still on, a second time when she didn't reply and I was just trying to confirm because if she wasn't coming, I wanted to catch a bus...
By six that evening, I'd finally accepted she wasn't coming. That's when I sent her the third and final message, saying that if she ever decided to turn up, that I wouldn't be there. It sounds harsh, but I was polite as I could be about it, given that I was feeling pretty bitter. I went to my grandparent's place (I am soon moving out of my apartment. I'm struggling financially, and there are too many bad memories in the building.) and finally, at nearly nine PM, she sends me an IM, apologising profusely. She had been asked to work late, which I had allowed myself to believe while I was waiting in the freezing cold like an idiot, then finally trailed off with something about forgetting. I know it sounds melodramatic to hang onto it, but that hurts. Less than a week after the break up and she forgets all about plans we literally went over the night before. You have to admit, that stings a little.
So, that was the day before yesterday, and we haven't spoken since. I sent her an IM yesterday, but she didn't reply for whatever reason, so I didn't press the matter, even though all I'd sent was a hello. Despite my usual manner, I've decided not to bother IM-ing or texting, or calling, or whatever else. If she really wants to be friends, like she said, she's going to have to come to me. If she doesn't, I figure it wasn't meant to be.
I'm sure a lot of this sounds terribly stupid, and I'm sorry for writing so much. If anybody actually reads this, I'll be incredibly surprised, and quietly grateful. I just didn't know where else to turn to post such a tirade ^^;
Topic: Stuck and feeling down (Read 270 times)