'Now I'll Soon (Eternally) Die'

[WolfCubLorent]

-Gone With Love-
12/14/09 ‘Now I’ll Soon (Eternally) Die’
By: Lorent K. Cub

Now watch as my emotions run wildly through the air, without concern and compiled by abysmal despair.
Now watch as my soul burns silently into the sky, without passion or love it’ll surely die.
I’ll take what’s ever left of me and drowned it into the darkest sea.
I’ll throw away your memory and make it an eternal enemy.
Soon they will all know what great pain that was sown through my bone into me skin.
Soon you will believe that these scars are what you perceive to be true and naïve, now my sin.
Forever will there lay a broken heart that will forever stay.
Forever will there stand an empty body that sways forever as sand.

Now watch as my emotions run wildly through the air, without concern and compiled by abysmal despair.
Now watch as my soul burns silently into the sky, without passion or love it’ll surely die.
Die I must for life has lost its lust and with strife I have tossed the final flip of fate to help me decide.
Die I will for your touch does kill with hurt that is much, a thrill that can’t exert my torture inside.

This is what I feel and now…soon after my soul will seal and fall down to the ground with a sound that chimes a heavenly chime for me to rest through out all eternity in time.

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

It's not bad, there's some good attempt at emotive and impactful ideas, so it's good in that respect, BUT

It's rough. Mistakes are scattered about. The rhyme scheme is clumsy and obvious, but the rhythm does hold together with some solid competence.
Some of your phrases dont work, like

emotions run wildly through the air, without concern and compiled by abysmal despair

Compiled? like filed or organised? i'm sure you didnt mean that.
Also:

kill with hurt

sounds rather silly.

Oh and the title: Now I'll Soon (Eternally) Die
Death is kinda eternal anyway. When most people think of death, they think of the eternal kind.

but good ideas overall, just kinda clumsy execution that got in the way.

[Moongaze]

When I read the title I knew...  This is my kind of literature!  Bang up job.  I agree with Asia on a few grounds.  BUT.  I also disagree with a couple points.

Concerning the rhyme scheme:  It's fine to me.  I found this to be quite lyrical.  It had rhythm, it had depth, and yes...  I could sense the emotion.

Also...  Eternal death.  It's metaphorical.  Death is eternal in the eyes of the closed minded.  Eternal death means you are DONE.  You're not coming back as a ghost, you're not going to heaven or hell...  Once granted eternal death...  There's no afterlife.

I really like it!  It appeals to my darker side...  Keep it up!

[Self-sain]

I can be quite critical to for warn you

OK I know it shouldn't bother me but it does bother me putting the  literature in the middle just seem so umm not needed and totally hinders my ability to truly enjoy it I think only cretin poems should be written as such

OK in your work to me just felt wrong, because you switched from one person to a different group of people. Something that was already kind of pointed out was the rhyme scheme I just felt it was unneeded and it was to forced

I just felt that this was wrong over all I don't rely get where your coming from and what it is at all

I'm not saying that its horrible but it was just to confusing for me to get anything from it

That was just my little side note I k ow I can be a little over critical but its best you here it now then if you where going to try any promotional or free reading work

[vancouversarah]

"Die I must [...] Die I will [...]". Talking like Master Yoda you are! MMM! That's a pretty good sign that you still need to work on your meter. I've been told by a number of people who's opinions I respect that rhyme is death in modern poetry and the biggest taboo. I disagree heartily, and say bad meter makes bad poetry. This poem is getting there, but you're going to have to change and even (gasp!) cut some words in order to get this poem into the form you want it.

I see where both AsiaBunny and Moongaze are coming from. If what you're aiming for is the kind of death Moongaze is talking about (no afterlife, reincarnation, limbo, etc.), I'ma toss a word your way: Annihilation. Not really to use that word in particular, but a single word that clearly portrays Moongaze's interpretation of "eternal death". If that's not what you meant, please disregard this and I second AsiaBunny, it's redundant.

It's coming along nicely! Edit! Come back and we'll go again!

[WolfCubLorent]

Well first of all when I say eternally death I do mean it's over, no after life no heaven or hell no feelings left.......
Second, don't read it as *kill with hurt* when I wrote it I reversed the words cause I liked the way it sounds, so what it's supposed to be is *kill with much hurt* which obviously means that it was a painful death okay.
Third, I do not believe that death and ryhming should be seperate, when I write I try to write in different ways that most wouldn't...even if it sounds a little sloppy, but yeah.
Forth, that whole master yoda crap I did not take from, that was my own idea and not some stupid saying from some movie, and if that is true then tell me what part exactly it is on in the movie cause I'm sure that those words arn't.....

*Sigh* thank you everyone for your comments, all were helpful and in the end will help me become a better writer, BUT do not tell me to change the theme of my poetry ever because you don't like it, for example; I mixed death with ryhming....that is one of my what I like to call "uneque poems"....helping with some ryhming parts and A LITTLE BIT OF MAKING THE MEANING OF MY WORDS MORE CLEARER is okay but DON'T tell me to change me theme cause I'll just disregaurd it.....
Anyway, thanks again everyone....i guess I'll try to change it then re-post later this week

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

I wont speak for anyone else, but I dont think people told you to change your theme, we haven't the right to ask you to do that. The only reason the rhyme would be taken away is because the application of it was clumsy and so detracts from the poem itself. We're just advising you on how you can express yourself better.

also, the kill with hurt thing. I personally didn't like it for a few reasons, one of them being that death is more often than not, painful. Also hurt is quite a basic, soft word, and lastly it sounds quite clumsy. It's like saying "I killed him until he was dead" It's clumsy and doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Again, this is just my personal opinion and my advice to you. I'm not telling you to do anything, merely giving you the ideas and options to do so.

[Moongaze]

I look forward to seeing your updates! 

[Self-sain]

I agree with Asiabunny

[vancouversarah]

Forth, that whole master yoda crap I did not take from, that was my own idea and not some stupid saying from some movie, and if that is true then tell me what part exactly it is on in the movie cause I'm sure that those words arn't.....

I didn't mean that you borrowed from the movie word for word. I mean that the word order you chose reminded me of that a bit; it's not a bad thing, and it wasn't my intent to insult your poem, but it is what came to mind.

At any rate, you didn't seem to note the point of my saying that, which is that you appear to be struggling with meter a bit. Like I said, changing the word order is often a sign a poet is still working out the meter of the poem. If you're happy with the way it is, just say so.