The Audience

[Derricklesters2009]

Yet another action thriller by Me.

This one is a Man Vs Himself story that is actually in script form. If you would like to read the full and complete version of "The Audience", you may do so here:

http://www.furaffinity.net/view/2729614

Synopsis:

------ IF YOU WANT TO REALLY FEEL THE POWER OF THE LITERARY ELEMENT IN THE SCRIPT YOU MUST ONLY READ THE SCRIPT AS THIS SYNOPSIS HAS SPOILERS!!!!-------

Christopher Erickson is a cellphone company's represntative whereas he answers customer service lines and goofs off in the office with his friend and co-workers. He has a wife and twin boys whom he loves very much as specified in a scene where he and his wife have dinner together and then get it on. The scene is neither crude nor-pornographic, it is loving and caring and all that jazz.

While at the office, Chris sees a man in a black suit standing in front of him. He looks down and hangs up with the customer he was talking with and looks back up but the man is gone. He's disappeared. Chris keeps seeing this man all over the office and it cause Chris to slowly spiral into madness. He begins hearing voices as if there is an audience in his head watching his every move.

Eventually he is sent home from work after being caught screaming at the chair accross from his desk as he discovers that no one else see's this man. He sees the man in the parking lot and asks him who he is. The man replies, "I am the Network Manager."

The Network manager informs Chris that his life is too boring and that his ratings are low. If he doesn't start doing something interesting soon, then he will be canceled.

Chris assumes this means death and goes home. He then proceeds to do crazy things like buy a boat specifically to wreck it, then go into town and give his car away to the first homeless man he sees and things like that.

The Network manager find Chris and tells him that it's not working. He's going to be canceled soon. Chris responds, "I gave away my car, I wrecked a boat, I won the lottery! What does the audience want?!"

The Network manager then whispers, "Violence, Mr. Erickson."

Chris then walks into town and starts a fight with a man where he pushes him out into the road. Chris kicks the man down and a truck kills the man. Chris then runs all over town, away from the police and into other people's houses, beating people up and killing thier animals. He comes home and sits. The audience grows louder and louder in his head and his wife comes home. He tries to silence the voices by screaming at them. He grabs his wife, Evening, and shouts to her but he cant even hear himself speak anymore. She wrestles away from him. He grows angry with insanity and goes to the kitchen table. He grabs a chair and breaks it on the floor. He then takes one of the legs of the chair and slowly, painfully, and gruesomely beats his wife to death with it. The audience is silent.

The network manager appears behind him and says, "Congratulations, after what you did in the city, we've decided to keep you on the air."

Chris becomes furious as he learns that his wifes death was in vain. He murdered her for no reason. the network manager continues, "there is a catch."

At that moment, police break into the home and see chris with the gun. They begin shooting him. when they cease, chris falls to his knees. The network manager says softly to the dying man, "this is your season finale." and chris dies.

The next scene opens with Chris's grave. There is a young boy who stands before the grave. It's chris's son, who came to visit his dead father and talk to him. The young boy finishes speaking and says goodbye and turns to leave. He stops when he sees the network manager. The network manager smiles and says, "Christopher Erickson Junior? How would you like to be on TV?"

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

These are the notes I wrote as I read it and you should point out that younger users should not read this. In fact, it shouldnt be here at all in my opinion. anyway, to the story.

First phone conversation is a bit long and wordy. A little nip and tuck should get it running smoothly.

Do we really need to hear them deliberating on lunch options? The only vaguely important information is "that's a man's sandwich," and "You take your wife for granted." The rest is fluff.

"Nothing, I just thought that you were saying that you had a date with the evening, so it sounded like a date with yourself and you sound hopeful of some action with your date so it sounded like…"
Long, convoluted, not worth the effort.

The other characters see flat as if they're not real. I'm guessing that's on purpose, if so, good job. Though occasionally, Mr Ericcson verges dangerously into that territory as well. Nobody seems to react to anything. It's like they've got no comprehension of the subtelties of human behaviour.

Rather indulgent later on. It doesnt need to go that over the top.


To conclude, it's a good idea, and generally it's executed well (though a rewrite would not have gone amiss.) I'm guessing it was all psychological, and if so then the other characters need to feel more real, more human. They need to react more naturally than they do. Also, the violence goes way too over the top, it detracts from the reasoning. And he spends way too long at the edge of insanity, There's a lot you can cut out between killing the large guy and killing the wife. Oh and the swearing is a bit much.

[Derricklesters2009]

The first parts are for character development. Unfortunately, they won't be changing. I believe that it introduces the characters the way I want them seen. Also, there aren't any subtlties in the script as my director will be taking care of that. He'll be implementing what he thinks should be involved in the acting and settings that will create that subtle background to the characters that will make them more like actual people.

I am actually suprised and grateful that my script held interest enough for someone to read it all the way through. I appreciate the time you have put into reading my work.

The reason why the reactions are rather dead is because it makes the situation feel more real rather than cinematic. As Chris spirals into insanity, he grows more reactive and violent. Taking into consideration that at that point where he murders the first man he has been hearing voices for an entire month and he's been seeing a man for longer than that, when the smaller man started messing with him he lost it and tried to silence the voices once and for all by doing something crazy. When he got home, he wasn't in his right mind. His wife came in at the wrong place at the wrong time and that's when he beat her to death with the chair.

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

Character development is done through providing a lot of information on the characters. Lunch options and technical support dont do much at all. But oh well, if you're not gonna change it, that's completely your choice. It's your script after all.

The director doesnt know who these people are, you as the writer, need to provide these backstories because that isnt the director's job.

If someone says to you, "I'm hearing voices and seeing things," would you joke about it and not do anything to help? Even if it was your spouse having the apparent mental breakdown? It's not realistic.

I understand the motivations for it, I just think there's no need for everything between the first guy dying and the wife dying. One death is more than enough to push you over the edge, far enough to murder your own wife, especially when someone's telling you to.