One more step.

[Icaredonce]

(removed due to embarrasingly substandard writing as compared to my usual work, will repost with more content, and better developement at a later date)

[Asia Kali Yusufzai]

Okay... I've got a lot of bad things to say about this, but I only say them because I think that someone of your skill can fix them. That you have the ability to. I mean, you're not terrible, and you're certainly not hopeless, but my notes on what follows kinda rips the hell out your little bit of writing. Keep in mind, I want you to keep writing, you have potential to do something interesting. I want to see that.. But i also want to see it done well, so I'm going to criticise you quite harshly. It's what I do.

Now...Honestly, I don't see the point in this intro. If the story is about some woman who came to power long after these people were executed, why put a focus on them? What part of this piece has any real impact in the events of the later story? They're dead. If the fact that they're dead is some motivation for her, then you don't need to spend time on showing them die unless that woman is present.

Also, the coloured text is lazy. Yes it's hard to distinguish characters, but at least try to. Give them some features to identify them by. You've got biker woman, but none of the others have any distinctive features at all. They're just voices in a vacuum.

Also, stop saying "could be considered," or "Can possibly be defined as" or whatever. It creates a weak narrator. It either is or it isn't. And if they've been called "undesirables" by someone then say so. Say they were deemed undesirable, not that "you could call them undesirables if you wanted to, maybe, it's your choice, don't ask me, I don't know." Unless ofcourse there's a good reason for having a weak narrator.

The story that follows is the story of that woman and those she knew, loved, and abandoned in order to satisfy the worlds need for a strong individual.

Don't say you're going to tell a story, we KNOW you're going to tell a story. You don't have to advertise something someone's already reading, you're just giving away spoilers for no reason.

Now remember, please keep writing... just... overhaul

[Icaredonce]

well thats what i get for posting without editing.