Dad Problems

[Seko]

for a while now my dad has been growing more and more aggresive, intrusive and generally angry at everyone. Tonight however it got worse, my dad verbally abused my gran and in his frustration began to insult me and my brother. Also he has began to lecture me and my brother about how we are spoiled brats and must respect him at all times. However he became particularly infuriated when i replied "respect is to earned" and is now insistant that i write him letters on why i am to respect him at all times.

In the last few weeks he has also randomly walked into my home and began to criticise my family for no reason, and its getting to a point where i want nothing to do with him anymore...

some of this i can understand, as a number of months ago his girlfriend died and left him a daughter, but i dont see why he has to be so aggresive to everyone else all the time.

Im seriously considering just telling him to stay out of my life, and it hurts because im trying to find out if im going to lose my father, or if he was never really there to start with...

[Armalite_]

It's true, you don't respect someone who doesn't respect you. Just because he's your dad doesn't mean anything. If he is insistant that you write him letters, tell him to **** off. What's he gonna do? Make you write them? I'm assuming he doesn't live with you guys...so why is he allowed into your house?

I'm sorry, there's only so much I can say because I don't know your family. My house works the same way...except everyone in my house really keeps to themselves. I feel like I'm living in a house with roommates instead of family. My brother's really the only close one I got. I don't respect my parents if they don't respect me. I know I'm living with them and all, but I'd rather be living on my own than live under tyranny.

I can tell you love your dad...or atleast think you should or do. But I know that the hard part is getting to love who he is, not what he is. Nobody deserves to be put down by their father. My dad does it to me all the time. I know how it feels when your best just isn't good enough or when he just doesn't like you in general. Tell him what you think and how you feel. Tell him what you'll do and what will happen if he doesn't change. That should give him some incentive. If he is resistant, stay away from him. You don't need to hear from him. 

One of my best friends up and left his parents one day. He called me and told me his parents kicked him out of the house after a huge fight over respect and w/e. He asked me to drive him to the train station down town and I did. He said he was going to live with his gf for a bit. The whole way down to the station he was telling me how his family was always putting him down because he wasn't like his sisters and cousins who were making it into university and getting better grades and how the Army was no place for him. They began to put him down. He snapped and cussed out his entire family one by one. Understand, he's in the Armed Forces and attending college. He's serving his damn country and isn't getting repect from his own family. They even took away his own car. Before he left my car he told me he lied and that he was running away because of his parents. The guy left his home with nothing but his army gear and a few dollars. Where he is now, I haven't a clue. From what I've heard, his family doesn't even care to know where he went.

Point being, everyone's got their own family problems. Parent's, for some reason, like to think that they dont have an obligation to respect their children. Just because we live with them doesn't mean they're allowed to put us down and shut us out. Speak up and don't end up like my friend, Eddie. 

[WingedZephyr]

I dunno if this will help at all, but...

To me, it sounds like it might help to put some distance between you guys. From the sound of it, he lives close enough to you that he can easily be around all the time. I've had to deal with verbal abuse myself before, and the best thing I ever did was move away and remove myself from that situation. I realize of course it's not the simplest thing to pick up and move, especially when you're talking about a whole family, but I'm just sharing what helped me. Some people aren't as tolerable than others, and having to deal with it every day only makes it more difficult. Giving each other space allows you room to breathe.

If his aggression is severe enough, it probably would be better just to tell him to stay away. It sucks, sure, but you'd probably be better off for it in the end. And if he refuses to stay away, you can get the authorities involved.

You should try talking to him calmly about it though, if you haven't already. You know, not when he's right in the middle of his aggression though. Take him aside at some point when he's more relaxed. Tell him how you're feeling about the whole situation. Or it might help to have someone else tell him for you, like if he listens to his daughter or a mutual friend or something.

[Self-sain]

I dealt with dad issues almost my whole life, I know the feeling about, never being good enough, consistently getting put down, and from what it sounds like, it will only get worse. Soon he may start to get a bit more physical, and will escalate from there, or in my case it did. The best thing to do, is as what zeph said, remove your self, If you father is like mine, then talking dosent work, if they have that "I'm always right" state of mind. He may blame you for everything that went wrong/or is going wrong, but you have to decide, if you want to go through that, or if that its worth it, or you should just remove your self.

As spike said, you seem like you care, but do you care, because he is your dad, or do you care, because he is your father, because he help make you, and not raise you.

[Seko]

thanks for the advice, im going to just tell him how i feel and hope for the best.