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I can't believe this isn't already here!!!!!! okay... everyone can post Jokes here! and I hope everyone laugh really hard when they reads this topic!!
I will start with this joke:
My teacher pointed at me with his ruler and said: "at the end of this ruler is an idiot!!" I got detention after I asked him Which end he was referring to...
and continue with this one (Christians may only read this one, if they don't mind jokes involving god):
Guy: God, how long is a million years to you? God: A minute. Guy: How much is a million dollars to you? God: A penny. Guy: Can I have a penny? God: In a minute.
your turns!! :3
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My teacher pointed at me with his ruler and said: "at the end of this ruler is an idiot!!" I got detention after I asked him Which end he was referring to...
HAHAHAHAHA
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"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"Boo"
"Boo who?"
"Stop crying!"
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XD the legendary "knock knock" jokes XP they never stop being funny!
a brown haired girl was walking on a railroad to one of the sides, saying "19, 19, 19" over and over again, then a blond girl goes over to her and says "that look fun, can I join you? "sure you can", is the answer she gets. after they have walked for a minute or so, the brown haired says "it's much more fun if you say it on the middle of the road!" as the blond girls runs to the middle of the road she says "I will try that!" then a truck drives the blond down, and the blond haired starts again "20, 20, 20" XD
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So the pope walks out of a bar...
No really! It CAN happen!
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Joke 1
By the time Dave pulled into the small town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office. "You've got to have a room somewhere" he pleaded." -- Or just a bed - I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager," and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired travelers assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning Dave came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Dave. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Dave explained." I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
Joke From http://www.joomlaspan.com/fun/jokes/5532/How_to_Get_A_Good_Night_Sleep.html (http://www.joomlaspan.com/fun/jokes/5532/How_to_Get_A_Good_Night_Sleep.html)
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Oh, here's a good one...
Seth McFarlane. XD
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Joke 1
By the time Dave pulled into the small town every hotel room was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the office. "You've got to have a room somewhere" he pleaded." -- Or just a bed - I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager," and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired travelers assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning Dave came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Dave. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," Dave explained." I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
Joke From http://www.joomlaspan.com/fun/jokes/5532/How_to_Get_A_Good_Night_Sleep.html (http://www.joomlaspan.com/fun/jokes/5532/How_to_Get_A_Good_Night_Sleep.html)
awesome!!
A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.
Your daughter, Judith
PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
taken from: http://www.sillylikes.com/view/3761 (http://www.sillylikes.com/view/3761)
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^ XD good one.
Okay, so a massive forest fire breaks out near a local barn, and they call in the city fire department, but no matter how hard they try, they can't put it out. It seems that all is lost when suddenly, the Volunteer Fire Department firefighters come rushing down the hill in their dilapidated old fire truck, rush right into the blaze, and put the fire out all by themselves. The farmer is so happy that his farm was saved that he gives the VFD a thousand dollars.
The VFD is later interviewed by a reporter from the local news network in regards to their brave actions.
"So chief," asked the reporter, "what's the first thing that you guys are gonna do with your thousand dollars?"
"Well, isn't it obvious?" the fire chief said. "We're gonna get those brakes fixed!" XD
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What's green and has wheels?
Grass I lied about the wheels.
lol i didn't make this up but i found it funny :p
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When I first saw this topic I thought great I know loads of jokes, but when I thought about it most of them are either not forum appropriate or rely on accents which not everyone will get. So I present to you this...
A man walks into the Army Navy shop and asks the assistant "Do you have any camouflage trousers?"
"Yes hundreds" replies the assistant "But I can't find them"
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When I first saw this topic I thought great I know loads of jokes, but when I thought about it most of them are either not forum appropriate or rely on accents which not everyone will get. So I present to you this...
A man walks into the Army Navy shop and asks the assistant "Do you have any camouflage trousers?"
"Yes hundreds" replies the assistant "But I can't find them"
epick one!!! and it's bether to post jokes and camouflage a bitt...
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And here are a couple of yuletide jokes for you all!:
Santa: Doctor, I've got a mince pie stuck up my arse.
Doctor: Alright, Mr. Claus, just bend over and let's have a look. Ah, yes, I do believe you have a mince pie stuck up there. I would recommend putting some cream on that.
Elf: Santa, I'm depressed.
Santa: Where's your 'elf-esteem?
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I'm a dyslexic agnostic insomniac- I lie awake all night wondering if there is a dog.
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Okay, so this guy walks into a bar and he gets a concussion.
http://instantrimshot.com/ (http://instantrimshot.com/)
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Here are some more yuletide jokes:
What's a Fjord? - A Norwegian car.
What do you get if you cross a fox with a reindeer? - Vixen.
What do you get if you cross a turkey with an octopus? - Everybody gets a leg at Christmas.
Which of Santa's reindeer is the least polite? - Rudolph.
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Here are some more yuletide jokes:
What's a Fjord? - A Norwegian car.
What do you get if you cross a fox with a reindeer? - Vixen.
What do you get if you cross a turkey with an octopus? - Everybody gets a leg at Christmas.
Which of Santa's reindeer is the least polite? - Rudolph.
XD epick I love the one about the Norwegian car, as I'm from norway too :P but here's my joke XP
there was the Swedish the Norwegian and the Dane, they where at the top of a large building, and should she who reached the ground first... the Swedish jumped off the building, the Norwegian took the stairs running down them, and the Dane took the elevator, who reached the earth first?
Adam and Eva XD
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It's Eve, actually.
X3 Wanna hear a dirty joke?
A white horse falls into a mud puddle.
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um, it really got silent here...
John sits in the living room with the train sett he got the day before, at Christmas, and says: to all you assholes who are on the train! get off, we have waiting pasangers, and to all you who are going on, get the gear up! we don't have all day! his mom comes screaming into the room and grab he's ear, dragging him upstairs: that type of Lanie isn't tolerated here! now you sit in your room for 3 hours and we'll see if you get to play with the train after that, if you use nice words. 3 hours passes, and John goes to the trainsett, and he's mother open her ears as she listens to him: god morning my pasangers, I'm thanking you for choosing our company, and remember your backpack, and to the next pasangers, remember your hand bag can be pleased over the seat. his mother smiles at the kitchen, pleased, the John says: end if someone want to complain at the 3 hours delay, I reffer you to that B*** at the kitchen!
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Wolf: I'll huff and I'll puff...
Pigs: Get out of it! Or you'll be the one with swine flu!
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two peanuts walk into a dark ally and one of them gets asulted XP
Post Merge: December 18, 2011, 03:14:01 AM
So there is this monistary and only the holliest of the holy monks go there. every year the head monk mike hosts the monk of the year awards. This year a monk named Jim wins monk of the year award.
Mike-- "Jim you have won the monk of the year award for this you may have one thing. It can be anything you want, it could be a swimming pool, skittles, a country (ANYTHING)
Jim-- wow that sounds amazing but i think ill have an apple an orange and a peice of string.
Mike--What?
Jim-- yea an apple an orange and a peice of string.
So mike gives jim his prize and that night there are weird noises and flashing lights coming from Jims room. the next morning Mike walks up to jim.
Mike-- Hey jim what were all those noises coming from your room
Jim-- Im sorry Mike i cant tell you that.
So the next year Jim wins monk of the year again. Once more Mike calls Jim into his office.
Mike-- Jim you have won monk of the year again. For this you may have anything you want (ANYTHING) IT could be a planet, Wild berry skittles. Those are just a few options. The sky is the limit Jim
Jim-- Wow anything i want huh. Well i think ill have an apple an orange and a peice of string.
Mike-- Again?
Jim-- Yea an apple an orange and a peice of string.
So jm givs him the apple orange and string and again there are weird noises and lights from Jims bedroom.
Mike-- Jim i cant stand it anymore if you dont tell me want those noises and lights are im kicking you out of the monistary.
Jim-- Ok ill tell you but you may not tell another lving soul.
So Jim procceded to tell Mike the secret.
and jim never told.
wOW THIS TOOK ME A LONG TIME TO WRITE XD
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Okay here's a good one...
The FBI blows up and everyone dies.
XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD
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Jimmy: Grandpa, make a frog noise.
Grandpa: No! I don't want to!
Jimmy: Please (!).
Grandpa: Why's it so important to you that I should make a frog noise?
Jimmy: It's because Mum says that if you croak, we can all go to Disney World.
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I've just taken my 4 year old son to see santa.
As he sat down on his knee,
he immediately started crying.
I said, "Calm down, he won't hurt you."
"Are you having a laugh?" he screamed,
"How much does this kid weigh?"
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Why is it alright for Thomas (the Tank Engine) to be naughty all year round? - He enjoys getting coal for Christmas. XD
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, a Norwegian, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie,
an American, an Egyptian, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian,
an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a
Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a
Brazilian, a Canadian, an Argentinian, a Korean and a Swiss man walked
into a pub. The bouncer says “Sorry.. I can’t let you in without a
Thai”.
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Please don't lynch me...
http://longestjokeintheworld.com/ (http://longestjokeintheworld.com/)
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what do you call a man attacked by a lion? Claude *badum tsss*
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This is one I made up myself (I later found out it had already been made though >.>) It's a physics joke though so Idk how many people will get it >.>
Why are physicists bad at sex life? Because when they find the correct position, they don't know the correct momentum and when they find the correct momentum, they don't know the correct position!
3 men walk into a bar, they were taken to the hospital moments later.
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Okay, so a duck walks into a resturant...
Well, you know how it goes. ;)
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This may have been posted before...
So...there's a guy in a bar, and the guy next to him (who's clearly drunk) bets him that he can jump out of the window and walk back up into the bar again. The first guy accepts, and the drunk one jumps out of the window and walks back in just fine. Then, the first guy tries to do the same, and falls to a, to say the least, uncomfortable landing. The bartender then says "Wow Superman, you're mean when you're drunk!"
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what do you call a man with a shovel?
Dug
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What do you call a blind dear?
No eye deer
What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
Still no eye dear
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what do you call a man without a shovel?
dugless
what do you call a blind dear with no legs or genitalia?
still no *cough* eye dear
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A Canadian, an American and an Australian were all tied up, lining up to be killed by a fire squad.
As the gunmen aimed at the Canadian, he had to think fast, so he shouted at the top of his voice.
AVALANCHE!
In the confusion of this, he managed to untie himself and escape.
The American saw what the Canadian did and as the gunmen lined up to kill him, he shouted
FLOOD!!
In the confusion of this, he managed to untie himself and escape.
The Australian saw what his two companions had done and as the gunmen lined up to shoot, he shouted
FIRE!!!
...and that was the end of the Australian
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i heard that one but as a blonde joke... :P
two blondes walk into a bar
you would have thought one of them would have seen it
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(Blonde joke time!)
In the women's bathroom at a nice restaurant there is a magical mirror, if you tell the truth in front of the mirror you get a wish but, if you lie, you disappear.
A brunette walks into the bathroom and, not knowing about the mirrors magic, goes in front of the mirror and says.
"I think I am the beautiful woman in the world!"
And POOF, she disappears.
A red head walks into the room, also no knowing about the mirror, and goes in front of the mirror and states
"I think I am the most successful woman in the world!"
And POOF, she disappears.
A blonde woman walks into the bathroom, not knowing the magical mirror, and goes in front of the mirror and says.
"I think..."
And POOF she disappears.
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blonde, ginger and a brunette are running away from a farmer for trespassing.
they run and hide in a barn and hide in some bales of hay
the farmer comes with his pitch fork and pokes where the brunette is
she goes "woof woof"
the farmer being slightly drunk, dismisses her as a dog
the farmer then goes to where the ginger is hiding and pokes with this fork
she goes "meow meow"
the farmer dismisses her as a cat
the farmer then starts poking where the blonde is
she goes "hay hay"
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3 women are dangling off a cliff, a blonde holding onto the cliff edge, a brunette holding on to the blondes legs and a red head holding onto the brunettes legs.
The blonde struggles, but alas she says, "I can't make it up, there's too much weight!"
So the red head makes a speech, she says, "I am but one person, I have some aspirations to my life, sure, but if I let go and fall to my death, you two will survive. You two are great people, you have always been my friends and I would trust you with my very life, my very soul, I want you to live on. So I will drop, to save you both, to let the world continue, with the beautiful souls that you are"
The speech was very touching, all the girls had tears in there eyes, the blonde thought it was so great she decided to clap...
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blonde brunette and red head are lying in the grass looking at the stars
"i bet red heads were the first to colonize the world" said the red head
"i bet brunettes were the first to go into space" said the brunette
"it doesn't matter" said the blonde "blondes will be the first to go to the sun"
"how?"asked the blonde "the sun is too hot and you will melt"
"don't be silly" said the blonde "we will go at night time"
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Ahh! haven't heard that one before XD
Three physics/maths jokes:
A neutron walks into a bar, the neutron buys a drink and asks "how much?". The bartender replies, "For you? no charge!"
Two atoms are talking why one atom says to the other, "I think I lost an electron!", the second atom asks "Are you sure?" the first atom says "I'm positive!"
i and pi are having an argument, i finally is fed up with pi so i says "GET RATIONAL!" and pi goes, "GET REAL!"
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lol is it sad i get all of those jokes? :P
a dog walks into a bar
but he is shown out because animals aren't aloud in bars
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Three people are captured by cannibals.
The cannibals tell each person that they must go into the forest and find at least 3 of the same fruit, then they must come back to face the second test!
The first person comes back with 3 apples, the cannibals go up to him and say "You must shove all those apples up your butt and if you make one sound we shall eat you."
The first person looks shocked and stunned, but he reluctantly accepts, he gets ready, "Ok, ok... one.... t-t-t-t-woo... AHHH!" with that he is mauled and eaten.
The second person comes back with 10 grapes, the cannibals go up to him and say "You must shove all those grapes up yoru butt and if you make one sound we shall eat you."
The second person looks smug, he goes "haha, ok, this should be easy... one... two... three... four... five... six... seven... eight... nin... nine? BAHHAHAHAHAHA!" with that he is mauled and eaten.
The two people meet in heaven and the first person asked "Why did you laugh?! you could of survived!" the second person says "I couldn't help it! I saw the other guy carrying pineapples!"
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rofl
how do you help a hungry cannibal?
you give him a hand
:P
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Iron man... [Fe]male?
If you are what you eat... are cannibals the only real people?
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you are what you eat?... pity i really enjoy almonds
why did the boy drop his icecream?
because he was hit by a bus
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What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? the holocaust.
What do you call a man with one arm, two noses and 3 testicles? names.
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why do german showers have 11 holes?
jews only have 10 fingers.
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(Ok, lets get out of borderline offensive just in case mods are watching XD)
There was once an ugly barnacle, he was so ugly everyone died, the end.
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(patrik for the win)
person 1: i know a fox with no nose.
person 2: how does he smell?
person 1: terrible.
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(haha XD how mean XD)
A man and woman were making love, when the man stopped and asked the woman
"Billy looks different from our other 9 kids... does he have a different father?"
The woman nervously, reluctantly and sadly said... "yes"
The man tried to hold back a tear in his eye, but he had to know, he asked "Who is it?"
The woman looked at the man and almost bursting into tears, says "you"
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lol
why did the bubblegum cross the road?
it was stuck to the chicken's foot
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Why did Einstein cross the road?
He didn't, the road crossed Einstein! XD
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where does electricity come from?
battery chickens
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There was a couple that had a wedding, on the wedding day the husband found a box of the wife's and asked the wife what was in the box,
The wife told the husband that the box was secret and he is not allowed to open it. The husband pleaded every anniversary to open the box but to no prevail.
Finally on their 35th anniversary she finally let him open the box, in the box was two roses and $30,000. The husband asked
"What's with the roses?"
The wife says, "Well, every time I cheated on you, I picked a rose"
The husband was saddened, but not by much, after all after 35 years she only cheated on him once. So the husband asked,
"Well... ok, I guess that's acceptable, what about the money?"
The wife said, "Everytime I passed a florist I sold the roses..."
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What's 8ft tall, green, and won't talk to you? - The Incredible Sulk. XD
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what colour does a smurf go when you choke it?
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Alright, time for a CLEAN joke...
Why couldn't the skeleton tango at the ball?
Because he had no-body to dance with
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why couldn't the skeleton cross the road?
he didn't have the guts
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An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic because of the many strange... occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.
To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old b****** dig. I had him buried upside down......."
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(This isn't really a joke, just something my brother said about 2 days ago when buying a coffee)
I'll have a large flat white... just how I like my woman
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rofl
words from the pedobear
i like girls how i like my wine...
i probably shouldn't finish it...
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I take the "the" out of psychotherapist.
(Insanity wolf)
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i've seen that, i'm still trying to find a sign with that on it and take the "the" out :P
why did the chicken cross the road
did you assume there was an answer here? no one knows the answer!
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Want here a joke?
Women's rights! (LOL sorry, just had to say it XD)
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XP that made my day.
i'm stopping myself from going full on sexist...
urm
a giraffe falls a sleep in a bar, the barman shouts at it's owner "you can't leave that lyin' there"
the owner replied, slightly drunk, "that's not a lion, it's a giraffe"
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i've seen that, i'm still trying to find a sign with that on it and take the "the" out :P
why did the chicken cross the road
did you assume there was an answer here? no one knows the answer!
I have the answer!!! to get to the other side!!!
and here's a divorce letter I read some days back... I haven't posted it here cuz of the length, so I put up a link instead:
http://excellent-jokes.blogspot.com/2010/12orce-letter.html (http://excellent-jokes.blogspot.com/2010/12orce-letter.html)
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what's brown and sticky?
a stick
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British officer: Ah, my man! Have you come to die?
Australian soldier: No, sir. I came yester-die.
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what's round an orange?
an orange
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What's Sticky, white and usually hot when it comes out?
Chewing gum
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What stays hot, no matter how much you freeze it?
Chili Peppers
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What can run but can't walk?
Water!
What gets wetter as it dries?
A towel!
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a man goes to a computer shop an purchases the best computer they have.
the next day he comes back and demands a refund
"my coffee holder is broken, i want a refind" said the angry customer
"the computer we sold to you has no coffee holder" said the clerk
"yes it does, you press this button and it comes out here" said the customer, as he pointed to the DVD drive of an on-display computer.
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(Classic all time favourite AHOY)
*Computer prompts a message saying "press any key"*
hmm... where's the any key?
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god mode is on F13
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Chuck norris doesn't get wet...
B)
Water gets chuck norris!
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when god said "let there be light"
chuck norris said "say please"
then bruce lee said "you dare challenge me?"
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In the beginning there was nothing...
...then Chuck Norris round house kicked that nothing in the face and shouted "GET A JOB!"
thus is the story of the universe XD
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jesus walked on water
chuck norris swam on land
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I don't know if this has been posted in this thread yet so, here we go...
Chuck Norris clogs the toilet every time, even #1.
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Chuck norris cannot shave
Instead he kicks himself in the face, for only chuck norris can cut chuck norris!
Chuck Norris doesn't have a night light, the darkness is just afraid of him!
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Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun
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Chuck Norris, Mr. T, Bruce Lee and Duke Nukem all went into a building.
The building instantly exploded for that amount of awesome cannot be simply contained
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There is no chin under Chuck Norris' beard, only another fist.
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Chuck Norris is Father Times grandpa B)
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Fear of spiders is aracnaphobia, fear of tight spaces is chlaustraphobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic
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Pigs: Please! Don't eat us!
Wolf: Have no fear, I'm Jewish!
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Two hydrogen atoms are walking along when one of them stops and say to the other "I just lost my electron!"
The other says "Are you sure?"
The first one says "I'm posotive."
XD XD XD
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chuck norris is so powerfull he can roundhouse kick you phone and kill everyone in your contacts
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chucknorris tore his facebook page in half
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Whats the most unrealistic thing about Harry Potter?
a ginger with friends
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I'm going to hell for this
why are gingers not like bricks?
Gingers don't get layed
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what do gingers miss most about parties?
the invitation!
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Anoni is in for a nice surprise when he logs on next. lol
An Irishman, Englishman and a Scotsman are walking through a forest when they see a slide in the middle of a clearing. As they approach it fairy appears and says;
"This is a magical slide, whatever you say on the way down you will land in a pile of"
So the Scotsman goes first and shouts "gold" as he slides down and lands in a pile of gold.
The Englisman goes next and says "diamonds" and he lands in a pile of diamonds.
On his way down the Irishman catches his sleeve on a screw and cries "aw shit"
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Oh no!
That doesn't sound good.
But it's funny.
There is an "I" in Chuck Norris, but there is definitely no "team"
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SOOOOOOOOO MAAAAAAAAAAANY GIIIIIIIIIIIIIINGER JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKES!
:'(
Well hey, [apparently] god hates gay people, so whenever someone says that to me I shall point to my hair! MWAHHAHAHA
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Romeo and Juliet killed themselves because they heard Chuck Norris was in town.
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Whoever said energy has to be conserved...
...obviously never heard of chuck norris...
...for chuck norris's round house kick
Can
Never
Be
CONSERVED
...EVER
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Why is Rick Astley awesome?
Because HE'S not some jerk who insults gingers. >:(
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There was once a rich millionaire, who owned a mansion of state affair,
With a large rectangle water filled pool, alligators roamed cause the owner thought it was cool,
During a dinner party with fancy guests, the millionaire exclaims, quite in jest.
"Anyone who swims from one side to the other, will get all my money and my lovely lover"
There were no people who decided to dive, under the fear they would be eaten alive
So the millionaire states again, this time with power, "You will also get my entire estates tower"
Still, again, there was no one who dived. Still under the fear of being eaten alive.
The millionaire, being confident, shrugs... he states "You will also get all my drugs"
Suddenly there's a massive splash, a guest swims across in a dash
He makes it to the other side, he gets up as he survived
The millionaire was very surprised, he wouldn't believe it with his own eyes
he states "You want all my stuff?" the guest looks at him with a puff
The guest angrily stares around, everyone is silent no one makes a sound
The guest say "no, it's quite cool, I just want to know the moron who pushed me in the pool!"
(This was a joke I heard earlier, I was bored so I turned it into a rhyme XD)
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Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
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Three husbands died and went to heaven, when they met Saint Peter at the pearly gates, Saint peter said,
"Alright, in heaven, you can get one form of transport, that form of transport is based on how faithful you are to your wife". Then, Saint peter called on the first husband and said, "Eric, you have cheated on your wife 2 times, so you are going to be given a scrappy old Ute", the first husband sighed, but took his gift.
Then Saint Peter went to the second husband and stated, "Mark, you have only cheated on your wife once, so here is a small Toyota car", the second husband was slightly happy with his gift and took it graciously.
Then Saint Peter went to the third husband and stated, "Jeff, you have never cheated on your wife, so here is a the best Ferrari" the third husband was filled with glee and took his new car with absolute pleasure.
A few weeks later the three husbands meet up, but they see the third husband is constantly crying, they other husbands ask, "What's wrong?", and the third husband stated, "My wife died", the two husbands look puzzled, they say, "Well isn't that a good thing? Now you get to see her" and the third husband said, "Yeah it was all fine and great, until I noticed she was using a skateboard"
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Did you hear about the astronaut that stepped on a chewing gum, he got stuck in orbit!
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Schrodinger's cat walked into a bar
...and didn't
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someday long ago, but somehow in the future D: :S
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Brunette, ginger and a blonde die in a car crash.
They go to heaven and are welcomed by god who said
"Here are 100 stairs. On each is a joke and they get funnier the higher you go. You have to read each joke and if you laugh you go straight to hell"
The first to go is the brunette who makes it to the 16th stair before laughing and being banished to hell.
The same goes for the ginger who managed to reach the 42nd stair.
Finally goes the blonde who manages to make it to the 99th step with a straight face before laughing hysterically and failing gods test.
God then asks "you know you only had one more step to go. Was the last joke really that funny?"
"No," the blonde said "I'd only just got the first joke"
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Here's one I heard earlier today:
*4 middle age men are meeting each other in an old high school reunion, Guy 1 goes to the bathroom while the other three guys Talk about their sons*
Guy 2: My son has become such a success! He has built a large software company, became really successful and bought his best friend a Ferrari!
Guy 3: Oh? You think that's good? Well my son went into the aviation industry and eventually started his own aviation corporation, he became so rich he bought his best friend a JET!
Guy 4: Oh please; my son went into engineering and became a world renowned civil engineer, he got so rich that he built his best friend a CASTLE!
*Guy 1 comes back from the bathroom and wonders what they were all talking about*
Guy 1: Oh, what are you guys talking about?
Guy 2: We were just talking about how successful our sons are, what does your son do?
Guy 1: Oh well, my son is gay and works at a gay bar as a male stripper,
Guy 2: Hmm, you must feel bad that your son hasn't become a success.
Guy 1: Not really, he's doing really well. In fact recently he got a Ferrari, A plane and a Castle from his three boyfriends!
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XD that one was awesome, a little on edge, but awesome
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*knock, knock*
who's there?
*knock, knock*
who's there?!*
*knock, knock*
OPEN THE COFFIN! I DON'T THINK HE'S DEAD!
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How well do salmon tolerate being eaten?
They bear it.
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A joke I heard today is of the "Intelligent Design Sort"
The chances of an array being in the order that it's in is 1 / n!. Such a small likelihood couldn't of happened by chance, therefore it must of been put there by an intelligent sorter, in an order that is simply too complex for our mortal minds to understand. Therefore by attempting to sort the algorithm with our preconceptions of "ascending" would actually be unsorting it.
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What's a sharks favorite game.
Swallow the leader! ;D
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What do you call a woman who fell off a clff? Eileen Dover!
-Notice: The following joke does not endorse drug use-
What drug do you take during an Earthquake? Crack!
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What has a head, a tail but no body? A coin!
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What is brown and sticky?
A stick!
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What goes up & down but it doesn't move?
Stairs!
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What can run but can't walk?
Water!
(Got that one from Dragon Ball)
What gets wetter as it dries?
A towel!
(Got that one from family guy XD)
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Why don't nomads have cell phones?
Cause of all the roaming charges!
Definition of Reputation:
Raping a Puta!
(This one was made by my best friend, when our English teacher told us to search for some words in the dictionary xD)
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HAHAHA. Y'know, it' funny... This situation. It reminds me of a joke...
See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum... And one night, one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moonlight... Stretching away to freedom.
Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend daredn't make the leap. Y'see... Y'see, he's afraid of falling. So then the first guy has an idea... He says, 'Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!' B-but the second guy just shakes his head. He suh- says... He says, 'Wh-what do you think I am? CRAZY? You'd turn it off when I was halfway across!'
Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Haa…Fnff oh, do excuse me…Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!
Batman: The Killing Joke
Best joke I have ever heard. It's a beautiful because it symbolises the two of them, Batman and Joker.
The Joker is just using the joke as a vehicle to explain how it feels about their current situation. He even starts out saying, "this situation. It reminds me of a joke." And what is the situation? Batman has just offered the Joker a chance at redemption, just as the inmate has offered a light. And through the inmate saying that he does not trust the other too keep the light on, the Joker has told Batman that he does not trust him.
Actually...
(http://i48.tinypic.com/r1aasz.jpg)(http://i46.tinypic.com/34zfw3b.jpg)(http://i49.tinypic.com/2m6x104.jpg)
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My computer once beat me at chess. However it was no match for me at kick boxing.