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Creative Arts and Media => Creative Writing => Topic started by: Shenzii on August 12, 2009, 04:56:33 AM

Title: First real poetry [caution: may not be great]
Post by: Shenzii on August 12, 2009, 04:56:33 AM

Waves crash upon the shore,
greeting those who bask in its galore.
Some say the waves are kissing the sand,
others say they hold hand in hand.

My heart beats when you're around.
It beats to the steady waves a butterflies wings, or
to the beat of the waves upon the shore.
You touch is so gently and warm
In my stomach flutters form.

I feel so alone,
some help would be nice
perhaps even hand to loan.
I feel so afraid,
as if I'm the only on this earth
even surround by my friends, I feel surrounded
by a barracade.
I feel so hollow,
I wish to feel a simple heart beat,
it even echoes when I swallow.

Have you ever felt so alone?
As if no one existed on this perfect little planet?
Perhaps to feel separated from everyone,
even when you're surrounded?

The sun kissing the waves so gently,
As every wave meets the shore.
The white caps slowly crawling up the beach,
tickling your toes.

The sun kisses your soft skin,
as the grass tickles your toes.
The flowers under your chin,
the gentle summer breeze as it blows.
Your smile, so big and wide,
You're life is waiting, don't hide.

Title: Re: First real poetry [caution: may not be great]
Post by: Asia Kali Yusufzai on August 12, 2009, 04:30:45 PM

It feels like it's struggling to keep everything rhyming in the flowery bits. It sounds weird and odd... the words dont really fit.

I like that you stop rhyming when the mood changes, though the change is very abrupt.

I think you should have done something different for the last part, instead of going back to strict and awkward rhymes .You could have messed around with space and timing.

either way, it's got promise, it just needs expansion

Title: Re: First real poetry [caution: may not be great]
Post by: Shenzii on August 12, 2009, 04:53:33 PM

Thanks. Yea I'm not much for poetry but I gave it a go.