The Furry Forums
Creative Arts and Media => Creative Writing => Topic started by: Uncertainty on August 07, 2009, 08:01:56 AM
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"That drink isn't going to drink itself, you know." The chubby bartender said to the raccoon.
"I know." The raccoon relied. It was his fourth drink, but instead of drinking it like the other three, he was simply pushing the ice cubes to the bottom with a straw, and silently watching as they floated up. He took a look around at the bar. Of course no one was there. The place was poorly lit, on a bad side of town, on a week night. There were a couple of people, but no one who seemed to be alive to anything more than the drinks they were drinking, except a pianist, a cat, who sat in the corner, playing a piano with an inappropriately chipper tune. The raccoon looked back at his drink, lifted it to his lips, and took a gulp, only to set it back down on the bar, and push the ice cubes back down to the bottom, to no avail. He looked up at a mirror behind the bar, and took a look at himself. This was the last place he ever dreamed he would be, on a weeknight, at 32.
As he began to contemplate getting up and leaving, the piano abruptly stopped. The raccoon's heart started to pound, as the cat showed up next to him at the bar. He simply looked forward, trying to stay in his own world.
"Hey, gimme a drink, and take it from my pay. Something... well, you know what I like." The cat said.
"You lazy bum." The bartender muttered, but proceeded to prepare a drink.
"Haven't seen you around here." The cat said, looking at the raccoon.
".... Guess not." The raccoon replied.
"What's your name?"
"Philippe." The raccoon answered.
"Philippe... Is that Canadian or some-"
"French." Philippe interrupted, turning to the cat. "It's french."
"French, eh? You know, you look familiar."
"... I get that a lot." He lied.
The cat turned around in his stool, taking a look at the clock on the wall. "I get out here in 15, but I've never slept too well at night. Always feel so alive. Anyway, I'd love to have someone to share that with. You know, if you're interested. I kinda just wander the area."
Philippe paused for a second, subtly placing his hand on his knee to keep his leg from shaking. "It's not safe to be out here at night."
"Now, you see, that's what I get alot." The cat replied. "Oh, how rude of me. My name is-"
"Daniel." Phillippe interrupted.
"How'd you know?"
"It's on the poster out front." Philippe explained.
"Oh." Daniel laughed. "Well, if it's not safe, maybe you should protect me." Philippe looked down at the floor, silently. "Every journey stars with one step, and all that...."
"That first step is the hardest."
Daniel skulked. "You know, I'm very persistent. Especially for people as cute as you."
".... Fine."
"Great, as soon as I get off-"
"If you're going to sit there and goof off, then just go now." The bartender growled.
"Excellent." Daniel stood up, grabbing Philippe's paw. "Come on!" He said, pulling Philippe along somewhat forcefully.
"Where are you taking me?" Philippe asked, as his company was very clearly dragging him in a very specific direction of town.
"You'll see."
Before long, Philippe found himself, with the cat, sitting on a bench, looking over at a view of the city.
"It's it beautiful?" Daniel asked.
"Sure..."
"... Do you mind if I lean on you?"
"Sure..."
Daniel smiled, and put his head on Philippe's shoulder. "This feels nice."
"... You've said that before."
"What?"
Philippe cleared this throat. "When we were younger... I was your mate."
"What do you mean?" Daniel asked.
"I changed my name. Julien. I look different, I guess. You remember, right?"
Daniel stood up. "Yeah, actually, I do. You cheated on me.... I can't believe I'm out here with... you." Daniel snapped, and started walking off.
Philippe sat there, watching the sunrise, alone, with a view of the city. He regretted saying anything, but he knew he had to. He looked out over the city, as it, almost suddenly, seemed to spring into a new life. He pushed himself from the bench. That first step was the hardest. As it always was. However, he finally managed to take it.
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It's a good story, though the ending was particularly abrupt and things were said a bit too blatant and in your face, but it's a good story with strong characters, and that's what i like.
You make a mistake that i often do. You put a good strong description in one place, and when people start talking and the action starts moving, all description goes out the window and it's all dialogue. You gotta put both, especially when people move from one place to another.
Before long, Philippe found himself, with the cat, sitting on a bench, looking over at a view of the city.
more description would not only give a place, but an atmosphere to it. It would evoke an emotion.
either way, well done
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To be fair, I wrote this somewhat therapeutically, in the course of 30 minutes or so. I didn't put as much effort into it as I should have. I guess it turned out good, for my writing, all things considered...