The Furry Forums

Creative Arts and Media => Creative Writing => Topic started by: Kindran Ornitier on May 08, 2009, 04:29:55 AM

Title: Who loved?
Post by: Kindran Ornitier on May 08, 2009, 04:29:55 AM

I wrote this during one of my depressed moments. It's still a rough draft. But comments and critique are welcome.

first they say they love you
Then they say they care
Then they turn their back
And leave you standing there

Who was there when you needed me?
Who was there when you cried?
And now you turn your back on me
Never caring that I tried

When I used to pray
For my family to work
Did you answer when I cried?
No. You never cared. 
And now I'm through with you

 

Title: Re: Who loved?
Post by: .: ♥ Kiniia ♥ :. on May 08, 2009, 04:43:12 AM

Very nice poem, I liked it. Just a few suggestions; in the second verse, third line...I think the word would be better as 'turn'
and in the third verse third line, I think it would be better as: No. You never cared or No. You never did care.

just trying to help ^^

Title: Re: Who loved?
Post by: Kindran Ornitier on May 08, 2009, 04:46:09 AM

Alright thank you stupid auto spell check. Does that look better?

Title: Re: Who loved?
Post by: .: ♥ Kiniia ♥ :. on May 08, 2009, 04:47:16 AM

Yep, much...I think it's improved the flow alot better as well, well done! *applaud*

Title: Re: Who loved?
Post by: WingedZephyr on May 08, 2009, 05:14:54 AM

It's not a bad start. I think the last stanza could use some work with the syllable count though, and if you're going to rhyme the first two, leaving the last one un-rhymed kinda throws it off.

Title: Re: Who loved?
Post by: Shenzii on May 08, 2009, 05:18:14 AM

Nice job! Better than I could ever do