The Furry Forums
Furry Chat => Rants and Advice => Topic started by: Malina on January 03, 2017, 04:12:36 PM
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Hey, so I've been having a lot of doubts over what my gender identity is and am looking for any help or advice anyone can give.
I've never really been an overly 'masculine' person, sometimes trying being manly out to see if it suits me and always feeling uncomfortable or (what I thought to be) incoherently wrong. On the flip side, I grew up mostly spending time with my older sister and her female friends, which gave me opportunities to try more 'feminine' rolls (even dressing up as a girl for halloween one year); this also feeling wrong. In recent history I've been growing my hair out and wearing subtle eyeliner (mostly because that's what I think looks good on me) and wearing just t-shirt and jeans (which aren't exactly gender specific). This has felt better than the other two options but now I'm really wondering what I identify as; being traditionally male doesn't feel particularly right and traditionally female definitely feels wrong, but a mix of both doesn't really feel right either and it's stressing me trying to figure this out ;s
Any comments or advice would be really helpful and I'd love you forever for it. Thanks for reading I guess ^^
PS: I know it's unrelated but if it helps I'm asexual.
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I know this terrible advice but- try not to stress. which is terrible because it's very hard not to stress! but really what you've described I would say try and relax. Don't try and force yourself into a role or force yourself to fit into a specific term or identity. Just try and relax and experiment, try new things and just see how it feels. You don't need to rush and figure this out today or tomorrow. Take your time and try and find where you feel most comfortable.
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Just be you :P
There's also not just one way to be a man and one way to be a woman, so don't think that society is forcing you into one of either forms. Just keep on being you and doing what makes you feel comfortable. We spend way more time these days worrying about what labels we need than what is necessary.
Be you, because you are awesome the way you are :)
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If you must have a classification, you could be considered agender or gender-fluid.
agender means you neither identify as a male or female. This could also be androgynous or andro-gender, though that means you identify as partly male and partly female (as if it is unclear if you're male or female)
genderfluid means some days you feel like a male, some days you feel like a female.
Either way, I agree with everyone else's advice, in that just be yourself, you don't need to classify yourself you can just do what feels right for you and forget all the social norms or what people expect of you. But if you must have a classification, it could be one of those two things.
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Thank you all for your advice, it really does mean a lot to me :)
It's not really I feel make some days and female other days, it's more I feel male some days and nothing other days (although it's mostly feeling nothing). I also found an LGBT+ youth group in my town in going to go to with an old friend so that should be fun.
But again thanks so much for your comments the been really insightful :3
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I should clarify that gender fluid means you're fluid between at least more than one gender, it didn't have to be male or female.
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I should clarify that gender fluid means you're fluid between at least more than one gender, it didn't have to be male or female.
This! You could also be bigender, with the two genders being "male" and "something else".
What you described sounds like agender though ^_^ But all in all its up to you, of course! Just keep doing your thing
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Mostly I would repeat a point already made, that you should just be yourself and let yourself develop without trying to second guess yourself. If you need a label it will come later and be more accurate.
However I do have a question, if you found a description which seemed to fit you perfectly, what would that mean to you? The answer to this might help how you choose to define your gender identity.
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Well of the label fit me perfectly I guess I'd adopt it :p
That being said labels can make people prejudge you and/or stereotype you but seeing as the society we live in more or less requires labels I'd probably adopt it
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Wow, didn't realise a lot of the moderation team posted here already XD
Did not realise you had a thread here, Rhudé :)
Reading through it though, I agree with everyone here.
You already know a bit about me, so I'll try to keep it short, and it's probably going to sound similar to others' posts so far, so you're warned XD
Stressing about something such as what gender you are can be rather more stress-inducing than figuring out what gender you are. Such things usually develop over time as your body grows but also -and more importantly perhaps in this case- your mind. You'll gain experience, you'll start to figure out what you like and don't like. What pronouns you prefer to be called, or if you don't prefer to be called anything, etc.
I would disagree with Razot that society doesn't force us to choose one or the other. However, this doesn't mean we should blindly listen and abide by the general society norms. Laws and regulations are slowly changing to make sure there is less of a forced choice on what we want to be.
Ehhh, so summarised I would say to take your time. Don't worry or feel stressed if it's not coming fast to you. Try to focus on other things, let it develop naturally. Once you are ready (your mind at ease), you figured out what you want, you will know.
This sounds pretty vague, but once you have found out (at least for me this was the case) you might notice how less stressed you are about your gender and maybe even your biolgical gender/sex. (I know you said you were asexual, but sometimes these two go hand in hand without people often realising it.)
So I hope this helps in some way :S
Well of the label fit me perfectly I guess I'd adopt it :p
That being said labels can make people prejudge you and/or stereotype you but seeing as the society we live in more or less requires labels I'd probably adopt it
While I agree labels are susceptible for prejudgements, they are needed. Especially in today's society. I would say (and would really want this to happen) to drop all labels and start looking at each other as individuals, what each and everyone's problem is. But it's not as simple.
We set up labels so others can understand (or understand easier) why certain people have certain issues, or why they feel the way they do.
With labels people try to fix the problem of not understanding people. Of course sometimes having the opposite effect ^^;
All in all, I would wish there was no need for labels, but we as humans have.
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I was actually gonna make a thread similar to this.
Gender roles are complete garbage. They had a place in older civilizations or societies or whatever, but we no longer need them. They should be disposed of as they hurt a lot of people. But of course, traditionalists want to keep them and defend that there are "reasons" for them.
The problem is that they change heavily over time. Did you see the disco outfits that straight men wore in the 70's? Any man wearing it today would be called gay. Did you see the paintings of men from the 1700's and 1600's in wigs and long colorful draped clothing? A men described wearing that now would be considered girly.
The Maasai tribe in Kenya is very interesting. The male warriors are the only ones allowed to have long hair, and the women have to shave their heads every month. Some society have longer hair as normal or even required for men.
I never had any sisters or close female friends, so I never really got to socialize with girls. I was stuck with "boy stuff" whether I wanted it or not. And I was fine with it as a kid, but people do change and my curiosity for stuff labeled "girly" began to grow and I was made to feel ashamed of that.
I'm not trans or anything, and I don't use gender labels, but I just feel it's stupid for me to have to follow male gender roles. Hell, it's torture. After a lot of LGBT people and furries told me I had to look more manly (yeah, you see the irony in this?), I made an attempt. After 2 months of depression and self-harming, I realized I couldn't do the "manly" thing. It isn't right for me. I shaved off years worth of growing my hair out. I'm 1 year in to growing it back but it's growing incredibly slow. I threw out a lot my more "feminine" clothes to try and get manly ones. And now I want them back. Luckily I kept my eyeliner and nail polish but I'm like afraid to use it.
I just feel defeated. I did everything to get respect and didn't get it. And all the guys who told me I'd look better manly- after I showed them pics, all they had to say was "Oh, you look okay." or "You're not that ugly.". Yep, I did all that and didn't even get approval for it. I was livid.
I wouldn't wish my situation onto anybody. I had no friends growing up- nobody is willing to befriend a feminine guy. I'm nobody's dating option. Plus, I'm ugly, have no talents, and horrible at socializing. I'm like every bad thing combined.
I can't even say how I really feel on here, my post will get deleted.
I hope someone reads my reply. Maybe it will help someone. Please don't change for anybody- it won't work.
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I went to multiple workshops on gender identity. The first thing you have to remember is that gender and sexuality are not one single thing. You can say hey that guy is super masculine or that guy is super fem, but that doesn't mean he wants to identify as a male. I have lots of friends who are non gender specific. My friends identify as "they" or "xe/xeir/xeirs". Gender roles are not set in stone and it's something that is so engraved into society now that it's a headache. Keep wearing what makes you comfortable. Keep wearing that eyeliner, jeans, and t shirts. You may be categorized as a male based upon your genitals, but that doesn't mean you need to identify as one. Don't get discouraged and let other people stress you out. :) Take care, hope this helps.
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Hey guys I wanna first thank you for all your responses, they've been very insightful :)
If you could help me a bit more, I think I'm experiencing dysphoria now because I have balls. I can't sleep because I'm worrying about them, breathing quickly cuz of them and just being really snappy and stuff with others. The main reason is that I'm going bald already and they say eunuchs (people who have had their balls removed) never go bald, and for me my hair is the most special thing I'm actually proud of of me and seeing it go due to these bloody things I hate is making me go crazy
I asked my dad to get me an appointment at the gp (which my therapist recommended) but I doubt he will as he hates this idea of me doing this. But I'm going to push as hard as I can
Thank you again for your replies, it's really nice knowing there are people out there who are willing to listen :)
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I'm not sure if you can't go bald if you remove your balls. Women go bald too and they never had testicles to begin with XD
I mean, I suppose it's possible. That it delays baldness or decreases the chances of it happening, but I wouldn't focus too much on that as a solution to becoming bald. If it works it works, but otherwise I wouldn't suggest to remove them just because of that. Does baldness happen in your family? And if so, does it happen at a young age or way later?
Considering this topic and what I think so far how I feel things have been going, you're still not 100% certain of your gender and how you physically want to be. And what about the future? (Do you want kids or not, if you want to be able to get kids and keep your male body overall, this would be hard without testicles.) If you're not sure on that aspect, I would not recommend taking any steps to remove or add anything to your body.
I would suggest you talk to a sexologist or a psychologist whi has experience and knowlegde on this issue (not only removing testicles, but also with regards to your gender identity and such more :)).
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Yeah baldness runs in the family and starts very early, so I'm looking forward to that very much(!) I also have the wonderful fortune of having a lot of genetic diseases so even if I do want kids I've already decided I don't want to give them those genes because my wife will have to take loads of pills and precautions to stop them becoming pretty severely disabled (like my sister is, unfortunately), so if I want kids adopting seems like the best option
I've been reading a lot about this and the benefits of it far outweigh the disadvantages so it's something I do wanna do :v
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I think you need to do more research into hormones and their functions. Being a Eunuch does have some advantages, but I think they are largely outweighed by the fact that you'll probably end up living a much shorter life.
Men have Testosterone that helps to fight off the largely destructive hormone Oestrogen and it's effects. The way Women avoid the problems of Oestrogen, is by simply just having more of it. When a Woman gets old, they have less Oestrogen and can end up with all manner of cancers, memory difficulties, osteoporosis and straight up going senile.
The same kind of happens with Men who with age end up with declining levels of Testosterone and a slight rise in Oestrogen levels, also causing more problems.
If you want to be a Eunuch, you will have the advantage of being free from the controlling hormone Testosterone which very much so clouds judgement and action. Eunuchs have been, historically, kept in high seats as valued counsellors to kings and emperors. The Chinese emperor always had a Eunuch for guidance or governing as they did so without having their dick get in the way of thinking straight.
However the negatives outweigh the positives. Having no balls, you'll no longer have Testosterone fighting the Oestrogen and because you don't have ovaries, you won't have enough Oestrogen to keep you from it's negatives.
You will develop:
-Softer skin
-Some female secondary sex traits (gynecomastia)
-Hair that won't disappear
-Osteoporosis (the bones of your body basically turning into dust)
-Significantly higher risk of cancer
-Trouble keeping train of thought and possible memory issues
What I see in modern Eunuchs is that they end up back on hormones one way or another. Either Oestrogen or Testosterone. Women have also started taking more Oestrogen supplements post menopause, just to keep up the oestrogen levels as their bodies just don't make enough
If you really want to go without balls, I recommend accepting that you'll live a shorter life, or just going mtf. I guess in your case, the only real negative of hitting up the Oestrogen, is that you will still have the whole clouded judgement thing, but from the other gender :P